Been saving some up so I had a nice little grouping. Just so people might understand the thoughts that slowly kill us.
Ok let me start off with I’ve been channeling my OCD behaviors into Bullet Journal ing. I love it and it’s helpful for me. It’s cathartic. It gets crap out of my head. It shuts out Ed and Edie’s voices for a bit.
Naturally, I’m on Pinterest looking for things to “bujo” as us lazy I mean cool kids say.
I stumbled on these. They are so going in. An excellent reminder [for me minus the prayer part but insert mindfulness].
I’m guilty of a lot of these. Helps me identify. Are you?
I am being transitioned to another doctor.
Ironically, while my therapist filled my spot and cut her hours, she basically needs closure with our relationship.
I needed her. She wasn’t there for me.
I AM THE ONE WITH ABANDONMENT ISSUES!!
I wanted to die.
She left me there.
Then she turfs me to someone else.
Yea must be hard for her.
Well the sick bitch in me is like –ya I’m SO anorexic I’ve broken two therapists now!!
Yet I’m still getting fatter.
And earlier this week when I saw my psychiatrist I had to briefly relieve all my trauma of the past few months with no ability for treatment–just a tell her why I was so stressed and wanted to die thing. She had no clue. My therapist didn’t tell her shit.
Good communication team!!
So I’ve gained weight. Because I’m not eating.
I had to talk about that.
I resume treatment immediately because the insurance bullshit is dealt with.
I’ve been deemed acute/critical.
Because I am barely eating. Self harming. OCD high. Anxiety high. And treatment was abruptly cut three months ago when I was at a critical stage.
But the debate is on if I should be just outpatient.
Ha. We will see.
Goodbye old therapist later this week.
Just like waiting for your crush to call after a date, that long awaited call came.
And thankfully I’m still alive to take it. Ed didn’t kill me yet.
Okay this is super cheesy, but I am really ecstatic to say I have 100 followers!!
Thank you to all of you who find what I write and post interesting enough to subscribe!
And a bigger thanks to those of you who interact with comments, likes, and reblogs!! ❤
You have no idea how much all of this means to me!!
Literally, it has been a huge goal of mine for the past 2 years! Thanks for making this happen!
I set out to blog to share my voice on eating disorders so people could hear the struggle.
I still aim to do that and I hope that it has proven educational, helpful, and a close human element. That human face to the silent and lonely struggle that kills.
I am an open book.
I do not EVER promote proana or promia material.
I do apologize if my struggles have ever been triggering to anyone. But this is me: Cassie.
This is Cassie and Ed’s voice.
As I continue to blog, I hope to add a few things to my experiences with anorexia.
I will stick with my weekly list challenge and try to keep up with my daily photo challenge. I still encourage others to join!! I would like to incorporate in some research that is healthcare based as well as topics as suggested by you, my readers.
Anything y’all want to hear? Please comment! Or shoot me an email or kik.
I still want to promote community and am here as myself; flaws and all.
To another 100 followers, whenever it might happen! I am grateful for all of you! love you ❤
in it together
Disclaimer: I am not a therapist. I am not trying to pass myself off as a therapist. I am not saying that this should be in place of real medical help. I think these workbooks are great additional support and I recommend them based on my own personal experiences alone. Nothing works for everyone.
When I first started seeing Cherry, she immediately recommended two books for me with sections to read, specific to my needs and understanding. She also gave me sections to pass on to my friends and family to better understand what I was going through.
I read through the two books and frankly cried a lot. It was my first step of acceptance of a real problem. These two books are aimed at family members of teens with eating disorders, but let me tell you…I found it much easier to read something aimed and directed at someone else and their perspective of me. It made me really realize I had a problem and made it easier for me to accept treatment.
The first two pictures are those books.
Cherry actually trained and worked with Dr. Lock and it was a fresh perspective to be a part of his program and understand the treatment approach I was about to undergo. It’s common in the UK but newer here in the U.S.
I highly recommend these two books. Given to me by my CBT Eating Disorder trained therapist who does family approached therapy with the goal of keeping patients out of inpatient as much as possible; keeping them in the real world and facing those stimuli instead.
Now the nurse in me needed a hands on keep it going approach. I wanted more supplemental work to go with Cherry and her assignments. I did extensive research and found this workbook as seen below. I love love loooove it! I personally wrote all the answers in a notebook and would go back and do it again in the notebook to track progress.
I needed to see actual progress and results for myself and this was the best way that did not involve food diaries. Again, it says self help and I say hell no. Never with anorexia. Excellent addition to therapy and guide during relapse.
It actually carried me far and on the right track. Again my personal issues are cyclical and unchanging until I can leave my invalidating and toxic environment. This books really helped me more than I can express!!
This next book came as a recommendation from someone in my DBT group. Her therapist recommended it so she tried it. She loved it and swore by it. She would tell me about the activities she worked on and how it helped her. I heard and saw her practice and decided to give it a shot.
Totally worth it!! For those who are doing DBT, this is fab!!
If you are new to it, this book is amazing!! It explains everything out to you: concepts and all aspects of DBT approach to therapy.
I need both CBT and DBT so this book reinforces my DBT skills.
The mindfulness is great for everyone. Shit this book is great no matter what you are struggling with: depression, anxiety, eating disorder of any kind, anxiety disorder any kind, mood disorder any kind… You get my point.
It is a workbook that teaches you skills but even evaluates you so you can see where you need to strengthen yourself.
Same style as the previous workbook but focused on bulimia. Pretty awesome to have one on your specific eating disorder if I do say so myself. I am envious!!
I showed Cherry the previous workbook and she was impressed with it. I then told her about this one since she does eating disorders. She researched it, bought it, fell in love with it, and now uses it for her patients who struggle with bulimia. She photocopies the pages and hands them out.
I feel pretty cool that I found a book that my therapist now utilizes as part of her therapy routine. I love that I am able to help others. 😀
So if you struggle with bulimia or even BED, check this workbook out. Maybe you might find one pearl that is helpful.
The sibling to the other two. I have been struggling with anxiety a LOT lately [really Cassie?!?! Hahahaha] so I saw this tonight and thought it was worth a shot and bought it. I’ll let y’all know how it is. But I have a great feeling!
I saw the Bipolar sibling book and decided to include it because some people I follow struggle with BPD. If it is like its sibling the green one, it could be quite helpful. Again, I always say check with your therapist. But anything that can support your work in a positive way should be considered.
Okay ladies and gentlemen!
I hope this was helpful!
These books provide me comfort, support, and strength when I need it most. Skills.
If any of y’all end up investing in any of these and using them, please drop me a line and tell me what you think: good bad otherwise!! I appreciate all criticism and love hearing how they work for others.
I will post about the anxiety one.
If you do not want to reply publicly on here, feel free to hit me up privately:
We are a community of support here and I appreciate y’all so I just want to give back the best I can.
Alright. So the past few days I have had increasing panic and anxiety. So much so the attacks are much more frequent as in they are occurring again. I find myself with the jiggly foot and leg again.
So how is it that I missed these signs? I noticed them. I remember being like, wow I am having increasing amounts of anxiety and panic attacks.
I noticed how I am becoming very influenced emotionally by what I am reading… again. I feel my mood is off–like I am depressed and I am not sure.
I should be excited!
PC is doing a birthday countdown for me!!
Tomorrow I am getting away from it all for my birthday with two of my best friends. Vegas! Where I am always so happy!!
And yet I have been so anxious.
I went on Facebook to upload the Disneyland photos and I debated tagging PC. I was not sure if he would be upset or if it would cause drama because of family, etc. I was trying to be considerate.
I went over to his page [I am fully aware he does not frequent it often] to see how many friends he has to see if I would blend in. There it catches my eye: one very happy PC with his ex girlfriend. She still has his pictures tagged. No they aren’t friends but now she can stalk him.
Now when I broke up with my ex, I deleted all of our pictures. I untagged him and deleted them. I had five years worth of photos.
PC’s ex has not touched them. I think she still has the feels for him. So what has been ruminating this week? Oh that his ex is still in love with him. And that she might try and steal him back…again.
Add that to the cray.
So last night I have a heart to heart with PC. I tell him what I had to say aloud more for myself than him: that I do not believe in the whole “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” mantra. I believe in utter honesty in my relationships.
I do not cheat. Even when I am wasted, I cannot do it.
It was a great convo. He trusts me. I still feel off. I somehow bring up how I am excited to go and eat which is huge and a first for me.
PC takes it and rolls with it: let’s make a lifestyle change.
Long story short I flip out because I feel like he thinks the cure for anorexia and my life problems is just move to Vegas. But cannot get a nursing job there….I have tried. Another story.
I go to bed tense. I know he was cranky because it was wayyy late for him and shit went down at work and he got called back in. But still.
So today I ended up taking it out on him. I brought up the ex pics. That she’s cute. [Not really I am wayyyyy cuter but she is thinner]. How I am upset. How he seems happier… but seriously he does!!!
He is patient and reminds me I cannot measure his happiness and he is much happier with me. He is convinced that she hates him and that she must have forgotten about those pictures which is why she did not untag him. Um, no. She is 25 years old. She is tech savvy so she knows what she is doing and I guarantee she still wants him and is stalking him. That is why she still has his pictures on her page. That is why he is still tagged. But he wants to think otherwise. I know better having been cheated on, now I am suspicious. Ho in different area code?
I had to take some time to ponder.
Why am I so fucking off? Why am I flipping out? How did I lose control and let that question slip? What is wrong with me?!?!?
Then it dawns on me.
I have not really eaten today as I am heading for my wax. Why not? Oh Ed’s voice silently slipped in and took control.
I am going to Vegas. Where I plan on drinking. Ingesting calories. Not caring and planning out the calories. This scares the shit out of me. Going clubbing with thinner girls. Competing for attention. Wearing a bathing suit. I do feel bolder in Vegas and will wear some more baring clothes but thanks to sickness I have not danced so my core is weak and my lordosis is back and I look pregnant. Hot.
I am going feeling and looking fat and pregnant. Planning out fatty meals [okay just 3 meals a day, snacks, and alcohol].
Normally I starve myself beforehand to negate the calories I am about to ingest…and to make it so I get drunk faster.
And I am fighting this urge so hard. I am trying to continue eating. I swung by Jamba Juice and grabbed my anorexia crisis smoothies and went for it. Get it in. Must break the habit.
As I am fighting this horrid and horrible urge–Ed’s voice–this inner struggle and battle that I have habitually done for over 10 years, I lose control over everything else. Something has to give.
The struggle to eat and fight the thoughts that I am bingeing drains so much energy that my wise mind is out the window. So emotions go crazy.
Hence the crap with PC.
Hence why I want to cry.
Oh ya, and my birthday is Friday.
The ultimate reminder of rejection. The day where everyone in my life, family included, forgets it is my birthday. I feel so insignificant, worthless, rejected.
I hate it. I hate my birthday.
I always end up crying. I always end up wanting to know why I am not good enough.
I always wonder why I am expected to remember everyone else’s birthday–go out of my way to celebrate theirs–and no one can send a fucking text or email; call. A card even!!!
I live the PLUR lifestyle. But my birthday makes me so angry as a defense mechanism because it covers up the hurt and pain of rejection.
My significant anorexia trademarks: rejection, worthlessness, just wanting to be validated.
It is my birthday. I do not want to cry. I want to be loved. I want to be recognized. But I do not want to, nor should I have to, ask for it.
And all of this. All of this is why I am so off this week. My mind and body just automatically goes to shut down during my birthday week and I missed it.
Ed’s voice slipped in and took full control.
And I am not sure if it is worth the battle, at least for my birthday, to fight Ed’s voice.