Tag Archive | bed

I’ve Lost Everything…So I Thought

Last night, or I should say very early this morning, I woke up to some chick screaming and cussing outside my window. Then the fire alarm in the apartment complex across from mine went off.

PC woke up and questioned the sound.

“OH probably some bitter university girl because I heard her scream profanity especially before it went off. She probably pulled it because she’s a brat.” -me

Yes. My complex is filled with entitled Millennials. They’ve done stupid shit before. This nice expensive area has recently gone down hill thanks to these entitled children. Their parents pay for them to have a 4 bedroom apartment to themselves. Must be nice! I’ve never had the option. Ever.

Aren’t able to follow the rules either.

Then the police show up. My curiosity gets me and I want to see the brat getting arrested. I stick my head through the blinds and see him yelling at everyone to get out of the building.

Wait. What? Why?

I look over and there is smoke billowing out of the building.

OH. This is real. That’s a legit fire. Not even 25 yards away. With trees in between our buildings it could leap and we would be next.

And yet with all that smoke, some people refused to evacuate. And others kept harassing the emergency workers.

Insert mind blown wtf faces here. I wanted to go down and backhand them. As a Healthcare provider who has dealt with traumatic situations, I have never EVER understood why people refuse to help when it is needed but love to make emergencies and traumas more difficult.

Please let the emergency crews do their jobs!!!

Get out of the way and stay back. They will come to you! And if they do–do as they ask!

Here of late I have felt that I have lost everything these last few months. And I mean everything. Like all I have is PC. No money. No real job. Nothing.

But in that moment. That moment where you see smoke billowing out and 10 firefighters running in–I realized how much I could lose:

  • All my pictures
  • All my picture books
  • My nice jewelry that I have worked hard on my own to buy
  • My nice purses, same thing, which I can replace, but still something to lose
  • My clothes
  • My brand new items from my bridal shower
  • My kitchenaid mixer
  • All my documents
  • All my books
  • All my therapy work
  • Everything for my wedding
  • And I had to think like I’ve done as a kid [I used to live in a high prone fire area growing up], what can you grab and where is it so you can evacuate immediately for your safety. The things that can’t be replaced but are needed.
  • That’s when I realized I did have things to lose.
  • Another reminder, I don’t want to die….I’m not ready to die.
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    Don’t Sabotage Yourself

    You know that moment when you’re blindsided and everything falls apart?

    Literally everything. You think you have a shaky grasp on certain aspects of your life. The things you should be able to control.

    Poof it’s gone.

    How did it happen? How did you get here?

    No. Really. It’s about what will you do.

    Now.

    Sabotage.

    Sabotage.

    Sabotage. My natural instinct. Well fuck everything else has shattered. It’s only time till those last shards fall. Why not just sweep them away on my terms.

    I should be able to control something.

    Sabotage and its seductive voice. Calling to me.

    They say good things come to those who wait. The tortoise beats the hare. The good always prosper. Good trumps evil. Every other cliche.

    Well what the fyzk. I’m here waiting.

    Because having anorexia wasn’t horrible enough. And anxiety. Several kinds. OCD behaviors. Oh PTSD. Invalidating environments throughout life [including now]. Chronic pain.

    Suffering from those alone is enough to make some people kill themselves.

    So why, why does life or G-d or insert deity of choice keep throwing shit my way?

    The one thing I have left is PC and our wedding. The wedding [date] I had planned was just taken away from me today by today’s events.

    Because working in my hostile environment with a bullying and harassing boss wasn’t enough I’m being forced to quit. I need insurance so marriage is not going to be when I wanted it. Loss. This equals me questioning my life and existence.

    How could someone be allowed to exist like that? And why targeting me?

    Clearly I’m not worthy. Of life or existence. Because I keep getting up and the shot trying to knock me down keeps getting worse.

    I can’t have control over even one aspect of my life like my own. fucking. Wedding.

    Let’s sabotage what’s left: PC.

    Don’t. Sabotage.

    They have won with everything else. They got your wedding. Job. Money. Soul. Health.

    But they can’t have PC and your love.

    Let’s Call It A Comeback

    While I’ve been crafting my multiple tales behind the scenes to release unto you [ooo so fancy sounding] life clearly keeps happening. Anorexia and anxiety don’t just disappear. Those who are cured I am disgustingly envious of.

    Again, I am a lifer.

    I may have learned to cope with it and how to “interact” with anorexia and anxiety, but I will never be cured. Alas, my only cure is death. And while I have begged for it at times and needed it as well, I could never do it.

    I digress.

    I have been struggling a lot lately with stress and eating. I’m doing decently in the sense I’m eating at least one meal a day. This is major for me. It’s not like I’m actively trying to avoid it; I have no hunger instinct so I can go a whole day without even noticing I have not consumed anything. It’s bad.

    My job is unnecessarily stressful. A post to come. But I also have a new stress trigger that is really driving Ed’s voice into overdrive. It will come out in another post, but let’s just say there is an extreme amount of pressure on how I will look and eyes will be on me.

    OH heyyy Ed! Edie, you’re here, too?! Omg it’s a party!!

    Let’s throw in all that PTSD training trying to counteract all that. Mmmm joy.

    A few months ago I was cleared to return to the gym. After 2 years of physical injury. And 1.5 years before that of restriction for therapy.

    Just a reminder, I have hypergymnasia: I have spent excessive amounts of time at the gym in an attempt to lose weight. It was my purge. And when I go to the gym, I lose myself and all sense of time. It’s a total mindfuck to be honest.

    The last time I was in a gym, ugh I was so unhealthy!!! I had just broken my ankle and shoulder. And I was at the gym running on the treadmill while in pain. That was 2 years ago OH SHIT TO THIS WEEK!!!

    Well, I made plans with one of my besties to return to the gym. Part of my recovery contingencies [for life] is I’m not allowed to workout alone. We were supposed to go last week and again Monday.

    I got so anxious I panicked and canceled.

    Between the stress of work and this pressure to be thin, I did the healthy thing and did not go.

    I know if I went, I would be starting under the wrong intentions and it would be downhill from there. My bestie knows everything that’s going on and has been so supportive.

    So today we went. And I was so anxious. And scared.

    I was worried I was too fat in the gym outfit I had. I was honestly fearful of the judgment by people at the gym. I was scared I would lose control. I was afraid I would spiral; that Ed would slide into control.

    What I was most fearful of? My injuries being so bad that they would incapacitate me from doing the exercises I know and love. And I would have lost my identity.

    Good news: the broken shoulder has healed enough through physical therapy that I was able to do the exercises I have done in the past!! I actually cried at the gym. The ankle has as well.

    Bad news: I can’t turn off the hypergymnasia. My beastie turned to me and was like we have been here an hour time to go. I honestly thought it had been 10 minutes.

    Absolutely no concept of time. It’s scary. I could end up hurting myself again. Breaking something. Or, as Eddie points out, getting fatter because I am working out too much without enough caloric intake.

    I gain weight when I stop eating. I am am atypical anorexic due to years of anorexia and no formal treatment till my late twenties.

    I feel disgusted by myself for feeling pleasure in the muscle burn and stamina I have. It’s not because I’m healthier than I thought but for the idea I can keep pushing myself harder.

    But dammit, this is a massive comeback!! Literally years in the making.

    Cassie is back at the gym. My happy place. Under supervision of a bestie. Without therapy support. Trying to do this the right way.

    Here’s a big challenge!!

    Seasonal Anxiety

    Shoutout to my fellow eating disorder sufferers. Our season is approaching.

    DBT Skills: Coping Bullet Journal

    Ok let me start off with I’ve been channeling my OCD behaviors into Bullet Journal ing. I love it and it’s helpful for me. It’s cathartic. It gets crap out of my head. It shuts out Ed and Edie’s voices for a bit. 

    Naturally, I’m on Pinterest looking for things to “bujo” as us lazy I mean cool kids say. 

    I stumbled on these. They are so going in. An excellent reminder [for me minus the prayer part but insert mindfulness].

    I’m guilty of a lot of these. Helps me identify. Are you?

    Quote- Love & Hate

    “There’s a Korean word my grandma taught me. It’s called jung. It’s the connection between two people that can’t be severed, even when love turns to hate. You still have those old feelings for them; you can’t ever completely shake them loose of you; you will always have tenderness in your heart for them.”- Jenny Han, P.S. I Still Love You

    How much I relate to this. This quote stopped me short when I heard it [doing the whole audiobook thing right now].

    It takes a lot for me to hate someone. I hate so very few. Part of the whole PLURR lifestyle I live.

    People who have hurt me and I hate I still think of. You know you’re fucked when you’re literally dead to me; when I feel nothing. This must be why.