Tag Archive | bulimia

A Pocket Full of Fails

Well it’s just how it feels.

And will keep feeling as long as I’m in my invalidating and toxic work environment.

Funny how I flit from one toxicity to the next.

I tried to leave for the better to only end up worse. Ya, it was possible. At least here I’m not throwing up and crying before shifts. Maybe because I’m so numb?

Well, needless to say, by chance of miracles or what, I landed an interview recently.

I feel like it was due in part to a favor to my mother but I’m grateful nonetheless! For it was an interview in a position I’m trained for.

I nailed the phone interview. Felt rock solid. And I usually rock interviews. Never have had an issue.

I always get the offer in the end….it’s just the whole wait for a contract that was promised and it never come.

Well, the timing of this couldn’t be better. Everything is spiraling at work and no amount of DBT skills can salvage.

Yet when I had the interview, face to face, I just feel like I failed. Like I was throwing fails around by fistfuls out of my pockets.

My answers were not as solid as I usually have them. I couldn’t focus it.

I couldn’t sell myself.

Especially when:

“Your resume is very impressive, seriously, but I see here you were licensed in xx so how come you have not held a job [using said license]”

OK too complex to get into it on here without giving away a lot of identifiers… But just know this… No it is not me. Basically society fucking sucks and so does the economy. My resume would make you vomit because it’s so impressive.

But I sacrificed everything and couldn’t get the job because I wclearly as the wrong place wrong time. And in some cases, had some employers tell me I was too fat [while they had 100lbs on me] yes it’s illegal but California gets away with a looooot of shit mang.

I also had to keep working to pay, you know, bills? I have never had anyone to take care of me like that. But California apparently expected that.  It’s ridiculous. It’s ludicrous.

Thus my job intimidated others because they thought I’d be bored….

Why doesn’t anyone ask me?!

Wellllll here I sit. I had to delicately and politely answer the question. With couth. Head held high as I was yet again reminded of allll the times I was never good enough.

I walked out just knowing that when I needed something the most, again, I failed. I can’t have it.

And all because someone does not believe in me.

Again.

Stay tuned I have not been officially rejected it’s just how I’m feeling. Don’t want to get my hopes up because I would be beyond devastated to lose it again.

THIS is 1 Reason My Anorexia Persists…

I did online dating. And this really does exist. Men are entitled. They think they deserve to have this skinny perfectly shaped Barbie. While they themselves are beyond flawed.

At least that is how it persists in the area I live in. It sucks to be a woman.

But that is besides the point.

How, as someone with an eating disorder, as someone who is trying and fighting every damn day to love themselves, are you supposed to take this?

I know I am not the only woman out there who has dealt with this.

Please share your stories so I can empower you.

Because I have horror stories, too.

Some caused relapse. Some caused sex binges because they were triggering.






Ed’s Voice in Pictures

Been saving some up so I had a nice little grouping. Just so people might understand the thoughts that slowly kill us.

Who’s That? Oh, ME.

Driving home today I had a moment of complete derealization.

I was thinking about how I was driving home, to my place, where I live with my boyfriend, and it was no thang. It was normal. And then I slipped out of body.

That’s not me. Who would think I was capable of actually sustaining a relationship and not ruining it? To go home to a shared bed. So foreign. Sleep in a bed that I share with someone. This should freak me out but it was not. To a home that was not my old home. A nest that I nested. A new safe. A real safe.

I have a safe place now? That’s possible?

I felt like I was splitting in half and it lasted for about 10 minutes.

What worries me is why it’s happening.

It’s happened before: when I was not medicated, from/during severe trauma, trigger [that is obvious], etc. This was random.

I think my subconscious is slipping through my avoidance…

Hiding for Fear

I have so much to say. Multiple topics. Lyrics to post. Images to relate to. 

But I feel like whatever I am to post will not be good enough. 

Ya. It’s that phase. 

The not worthy. Not good enough. Why can’t I be accepted. Phase.

Leads to:

I am feeling fat. I am fat. 

Why am I not good enough. 

Smile. They will never know.

Stomach Flu

Oh ya. I got it. And not the vomiting kind. The diarrhea kind.

And it hurt. So bad.

For 4 days I peed out my booty. Ya over share I get it. But it was horrible!!

All I kept thinking about was laxatives. Was this what it was like? The cramping? The same response?

I mean I could just feel skinnier.

Granted I was severely dehydrated. I could barely keep up and out of the hospital. The hell I was going in there!!

All I ate was small bits of bread and gatorade. For 6 days.

Everything went right through me. Including my psych meds. I started to hallucinate and become delusional!!

I better have lost some damn weight.

I mean I’m still having stomach cramping, gas, and bloating. It’s not all done yet. Rehydrating still.

My poor booty is still so raw.

Desitin baby booty cream is my best friend.

Happy Holidays. Santa gave me the stomach flu.

And even if I lost weight from this, I’m not sure all this pain was worth it. Maybe because I am still in pain I feel that way.

Ed’s voice obvi feels differently. Like bring on round two for 20 pounds!!!

SO conflicting. Stupid eating disorders. So damn torn!!