Avoidance

It’s my thang.*

I love to do it. It’s how I deal I guess you could say.*

And today in therapy we apparently discovered what we will be doing moving forward in individual DBT: making me cry!! *

Ok let’s really define it. She notices I utilize a lot of anger. We talked about how anger is my masking of sadness. That I do not get to be sad or cry so anger is the cover up. *

I still do not really trust her enough yet to just cry and let that weakness out. She gets it. She also gets that I have had nothing but invalidating environments my whole life so I have never grieved appropriately.*

So I avoided sadness. I never was allowed to mourn. When my best friend in high school killed himself my mom refused to let me go to his funeral. I was told to suck it up. Being sad is a sign of weakness and people prey on it; use it against me to hurt me. Anger is something people are afraid of. *

I learned. *

Besides, I cried for like 2 years before I was medicated thanks to the anxiety and what good did it do me? I don’t see the point. I’d rather just avoid it all together.*

Remain numb. I kinda liked that state. Feeling through alcohol and sex. Even drugs. *

I don’t want to relieve the past. Honestly, what good does it do? No seriously what good does it do? *

Can’t change it. I’ve already learned from it. So why go back, open that shit up, cry and mourn it?*

I told PC tonight how the next few weeks I get to cry. Gave him some newer examples of how I had been invalidated and told not to cry: when I found out my ex of 5 years was in another relationship for the last year of ours and was engaged to her [and she was 200+ lbs more than me at my heaviest but he said I was too fat for him…even though he was lazy and never did shit so I starved because we were inactive]. I was devastated and cried. I felt not good enough and couldn’t believe I missed it–him cheating [we all did even his roommates. I got herpes from the fat bitch! And my family’s response? “There is something seriously wrong with you if you are crying about this… You shouldn’t even care. You aren’t together. You’re psychotic.” Oh such warm support!! *

I questioned myself and my feelings for the longest time. Cherry tried to explain to me it was okay to be hurt; to feel wronged even though I didn’t care about him. I actually mourned that loss. I am angry though. Still. Because he cheated on me and got his happy ending. I got fat, lost 5 years, herpes from a fat catholic ugly bitch, and have trust issues. And I am allowed to feel that way. I was wronged. Big time.*

I don’t even know how to tell PC about the herpes thing. I feel so fucking dirty from it. I have oral vaginal herpes. Because my ex got it from going down and spread it the same way. So he had it in his mouth and I missed it. Trust. Asshole. The good news is that the strain I have only get an outbreak once in life. Well they say if you get another outbreak within first year you’ll get them again; if not it’s only outbreak for life. I had initial outbreak and it’s been 2 years. But I still feel dirty. I did almost everything I could have to prevent it and I still got wronged. Sounds like a crying session!!*

But sooo much easier to avoid. *

Chasing rabbits.

Easier to be angry than to appear weak and be destroyed.