Tag Archive | depression

Anorexia Isn’t Pretty: Long Term Effects

People make it seem so glamorous. Eating disorders are so marvelous. You lose weight and get attention. That’s how it works right? That’s what the media shows.

I am still that lifer. I still actively fight every. Damn. Day.

But here is what they never tell you.

Anorexia destroys your teeth.

You always here about how bulimia destroys teeth. How the purging and that acid decays the teeth. No one mentions the anorexia.

I’ll tell you. Settle in.

Six years.

That’s how long since I’ve been to the dentist. Because I was so agitated that they kept finding cavities. I stopped.

Well that and because I had full blown lost it and was drowning in a massive anorexia battle in 2013.

If I brush my teeth, that means I ate something. If I ate something, I will gain weight. I am fearful of fat. Therefore, I don’t eat and don’t have to brush my teeth.

And since I’m not eating, I can’t get cavities so I don’t need to go to the dentist. [Ed’s voice: or she will see it and bust you]. Done.

Six years pass. Time flies when you are anorexic.

But guess what? I still have cavities. Why?

Well my enamel is weak. Because of malnutrition. And because of malnutrition, my gums and teeth are not so hot. I’m on a medication for treatment that has a side effect of dry mouth [and it’s baaaad]. This leaves my mouth cracked and susceptible to infection and more decay.

I have horrible reflux from all the time I starve and restrict. That acid goes somewhere folks!!! Yup bulimia may have more acknowledged vomiting destruction but GERD and reflux has it too.

And the anxiety and stress from anorexia [as well as my toxic job] causes even more reflux and periods of vomiting sooo there’s that.

Add in my lack of brushing thanks to the lovely Ed’s voice and here are my consequences.

I was brutally honest with my dentist because I have been seeing her since I was a kid. I told her how I was in care for anorexia for the past 6 years and my string of toxic jobs.

She was amazing and supportive. She was just as surprised as I was that my mouth and teeth didn’t sustain more damage. Only 6 cavities?! I mean that’s actually great!

She’s creating a treatment plan for me. I’m coming back every other week for some more hygiene and the fillings. I hate it but maybe I can get back into good health again.

No one talks about eating disorders and oral care. Or anxiety!

I had severe anxiety while there but thanks to alllllll my therapy I was able to get there, stay there, and go through the 1.5 hour cleaning. Yesssss that long.

I hate not being perfect. I hate not being in control.

I hate even more that my teeth now hurt and I am on a liquid diet because the pain is bad. I hear Ed’s voice creeping in telling me to not eat. I remember the days where I didn’t eat for 2 days after the dentist because I loved that clean feeling.

Battling this is so tiring. Fighting my own thoughts. People don’t get it. They don’t get the stress. How easy it is to slip back into not eating again. Into counting calories and restriction. Any excuse to segway back in.

It’s scary. It’s frightening.

For now I stick with my sea salt rinses and liquid diet praying I can overcome this. Not slip. I’m already slipping. It’s been a long long few months.

And to think, anorexia is supposedly without any issues and is soooo wonderful! At least, that’s what the movies say.

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Don’t Sabotage Yourself

You know that moment when you’re blindsided and everything falls apart?

Literally everything. You think you have a shaky grasp on certain aspects of your life. The things you should be able to control.

Poof it’s gone.

How did it happen? How did you get here?

No. Really. It’s about what will you do.

Now.

Sabotage.

Sabotage.

Sabotage. My natural instinct. Well fuck everything else has shattered. It’s only time till those last shards fall. Why not just sweep them away on my terms.

I should be able to control something.

Sabotage and its seductive voice. Calling to me.

They say good things come to those who wait. The tortoise beats the hare. The good always prosper. Good trumps evil. Every other cliche.

Well what the fyzk. I’m here waiting.

Because having anorexia wasn’t horrible enough. And anxiety. Several kinds. OCD behaviors. Oh PTSD. Invalidating environments throughout life [including now]. Chronic pain.

Suffering from those alone is enough to make some people kill themselves.

So why, why does life or G-d or insert deity of choice keep throwing shit my way?

The one thing I have left is PC and our wedding. The wedding [date] I had planned was just taken away from me today by today’s events.

Because working in my hostile environment with a bullying and harassing boss wasn’t enough I’m being forced to quit. I need insurance so marriage is not going to be when I wanted it. Loss. This equals me questioning my life and existence.

How could someone be allowed to exist like that? And why targeting me?

Clearly I’m not worthy. Of life or existence. Because I keep getting up and the shot trying to knock me down keeps getting worse.

I can’t have control over even one aspect of my life like my own. fucking. Wedding.

Let’s sabotage what’s left: PC.

Don’t. Sabotage.

They have won with everything else. They got your wedding. Job. Money. Soul. Health.

But they can’t have PC and your love.

THIS is 1 Reason My Anorexia Persists…

I did online dating. And this really does exist. Men are entitled. They think they deserve to have this skinny perfectly shaped Barbie. While they themselves are beyond flawed.

At least that is how it persists in the area I live in. It sucks to be a woman.

But that is besides the point.

How, as someone with an eating disorder, as someone who is trying and fighting every damn day to love themselves, are you supposed to take this?

I know I am not the only woman out there who has dealt with this.

Please share your stories so I can empower you.

Because I have horror stories, too.

Some caused relapse. Some caused sex binges because they were triggering.






Freeing Myself: Babysteps 

I may have mentioned this before but I am obsessed with making lists. Especially when I am anxious, stressed out, hypo manic, and/or Ed’s voice is in control. It is one of my OCD behavior ticks.

Well, sometime back, like several years ago, I made a specific list. This list is abkut things I want to do when I am, well, skinny again. Like the perks of having lost my weight.

Now remember, with my anorexia, when I don’t eat I gain weight. So this list while also very unhealthy has perks to try and motivate me to eat to lose weight.

SO I thought.

I found it making me stressed and depressed.

It was putting undue pressure on me.

Why hadn’t I completed more of these tasks?! Why were so few checked off?! What’s wrong with me??!!

Tonight, just now, I decided to delete this list. It will no longer be on my phone with me wherever I go. I can no longer access it 24/7 and obsess over it. No longer striving for perfection and stressing myself out.

2017 I need to be healthier.

And deleting this list? Well, it’s freeing me.

Below is some excerpts of the list to give you an example of my expectations of what I was going to accomplish. These are all things I have done but was trying to get back to again.

✨Things I Want to Do✨

[These are some examples of dates–I updated my list with ideas or completions]

3/17/14; 7/24/14; 12/18/14; 2/3/15; 6/3/15; 8/13/15; 5/8/16

• cartwheel

• wear miniskirt with boots with fur

• wear visible belly rings

• wear bikini

• dance ✔️ 7/1/2014

• wear size 13 pants, maybe 11

• cut my hair short ✔️

• do the scorpion

• lay out and tan

• go swimming 

• take pictures

• get things for free

• be noticed

• round off

• strut like a *high school easy girl*: turn heads, get whatever I want, and free

• eat whatever I want without feeling self conscious, guilty, judged, or fat

• eat wherever I want

• not feel guilty if any abdominal skin shows (eg when shirt rides up)

• go to the gym and not be self conscious

• go to the gym by myself because I can moderate myself

• have my clavicles visible again

**took a dark turn around here**

Quote- Love & Hate

“There’s a Korean word my grandma taught me. It’s called jung. It’s the connection between two people that can’t be severed, even when love turns to hate. You still have those old feelings for them; you can’t ever completely shake them loose of you; you will always have tenderness in your heart for them.”- Jenny Han, P.S. I Still Love You

How much I relate to this. This quote stopped me short when I heard it [doing the whole audiobook thing right now].

It takes a lot for me to hate someone. I hate so very few. Part of the whole PLURR lifestyle I live.

People who have hurt me and I hate I still think of. You know you’re fucked when you’re literally dead to me; when I feel nothing. This must be why.

OITNB Wisdom: Pain & Suffering

Another beautiful moment. I cried with Pennsatucky because in my therapy this moment and first quote has really been emphasized.

Is it DBT? CBT? Who knows because it’s very real and amazing life advice.

If you can, I recommend googling for this clip because words cannot capture the raw emotion that was captured so well by the actresses. Truly depicts my turmoil.

Sidebar [and spoiler if you haven’t seen past Season 2], Pennsatucky was raped and this is a moment where she reflects on that pain, suffering, and forgiveness.

Pennsatucky: Do you know the difference between pain and suffering?

Big Boo: Oh I can’t wait to hear this…

Pennsatucky: Ya well you should hear because pain is something that … Pain is always there because Life is freakin painful ok? But suffering is a choice. 

And you my friend, it’s not my right to say, but you’re suffering! 

Forgiveness. You need to move on Boo.

I forgave him for me. And I think you are capable of doing something like that. 

New Fave Products

Ed’s voice has been in my face a lot lately. Granted I’ve had a lot more challenges so Ed can dominate. But I’m trying to find ways, mainly external cues for external validation, to fight Ed’s voice.

And I’ve found some.

Meet my new favorite products!
   
Sold at Target in a set. These brushes remind me that I should stop trying to hide myself with makeup. 
 
Empowerment set.

   
 
These pads of paper are designed by the brand Knock Knock. They make amazing little books that you fill in with reasons why someone is amazing or reasons you love someone. This was a tool that helped me in the beginning of recovery. Now these are helping me when I’m overwhelmed, stressed, OCD compulsed, or need visuals. The two in the back row are even perforated! I bought all of them on Amazon.