I may have mentioned this before but I am obsessed with making lists. Especially when I am anxious, stressed out, hypo manic, and/or Ed’s voice is in control. It is one of my OCD behavior ticks.
Well, sometime back, like several years ago, I made a specific list. This list is abkut things I want to do when I am, well, skinny again. Like the perks of having lost my weight.
Now remember, with my anorexia, when I don’t eat I gain weight. So this list while also very unhealthy has perks to try and motivate me to eat to lose weight.
SO I thought.
I found it making me stressed and depressed.
It was putting undue pressure on me.
Why hadn’t I completed more of these tasks?! Why were so few checked off?! What’s wrong with me??!!
Tonight, just now, I decided to delete this list. It will no longer be on my phone with me wherever I go. I can no longer access it 24/7 and obsess over it. No longer striving for perfection and stressing myself out.
2017 I need to be healthier.
And deleting this list? Well, it’s freeing me.
Below is some excerpts of the list to give you an example of my expectations of what I was going to accomplish. These are all things I have done but was trying to get back to again.
✨Things I Want to Do✨
[These are some examples of dates–I updated my list with ideas or completions]
3/17/14; 7/24/14; 12/18/14; 2/3/15; 6/3/15; 8/13/15; 5/8/16
• wear miniskirt with boots with fur
• wear visible belly rings
• wear bikini
• dance ✔️ 7/1/2014
• wear size 13 pants, maybe 11
• cut my hair short ✔️
• do the scorpion
• lay out and tan
• go swimming
• take pictures
• get things for free
• be noticed
• round off
• strut like a *high school easy girl*: turn heads, get whatever I want, and free
• eat whatever I want without feeling self conscious, guilty, judged, or fat
• eat wherever I want
• not feel guilty if any abdominal skin shows (eg when shirt rides up)
• go to the gym and not be self conscious
• go to the gym by myself because I can moderate myself
• have my clavicles visible again
**took a dark turn around here**