Well it’s just how it feels.
And will keep feeling as long as I’m in my invalidating and toxic work environment.
Funny how I flit from one toxicity to the next.
I tried to leave for the better to only end up worse. Ya, it was possible. At least here I’m not throwing up and crying before shifts. Maybe because I’m so numb?
Well, needless to say, by chance of miracles or what, I landed an interview recently.
I feel like it was due in part to a favor to my mother but I’m grateful nonetheless! For it was an interview in a position I’m trained for.
I nailed the phone interview. Felt rock solid. And I usually rock interviews. Never have had an issue.
I always get the offer in the end….it’s just the whole wait for a contract that was promised and it never come.
Well, the timing of this couldn’t be better. Everything is spiraling at work and no amount of DBT skills can salvage.
Yet when I had the interview, face to face, I just feel like I failed. Like I was throwing fails around by fistfuls out of my pockets.
My answers were not as solid as I usually have them. I couldn’t focus it.
I couldn’t sell myself.
“Your resume is very impressive, seriously, but I see here you were licensed in xx so how come you have not held a job [using said license]”
OK too complex to get into it on here without giving away a lot of identifiers… But just know this… No it is not me. Basically society fucking sucks and so does the economy. My resume would make you vomit because it’s so impressive.
But I sacrificed everything and couldn’t get the job because I wclearly as the wrong place wrong time. And in some cases, had some employers tell me I was too fat [while they had 100lbs on me] yes it’s illegal but California gets away with a looooot of shit mang.
I also had to keep working to pay, you know, bills? I have never had anyone to take care of me like that. But California apparently expected that. It’s ridiculous. It’s ludicrous.
Thus my job intimidated others because they thought I’d be bored….
Why doesn’t anyone ask me?!
Wellllll here I sit. I had to delicately and politely answer the question. With couth. Head held high as I was yet again reminded of allll the times I was never good enough.
I walked out just knowing that when I needed something the most, again, I failed. I can’t have it.
And all because someone does not believe in me.
Stay tuned I have not been officially rejected it’s just how I’m feeling. Don’t want to get my hopes up because I would be beyond devastated to lose it again.
I may have mentioned this before but I am obsessed with making lists. Especially when I am anxious, stressed out, hypo manic, and/or Ed’s voice is in control. It is one of my OCD behavior ticks.
Well, sometime back, like several years ago, I made a specific list. This list is abkut things I want to do when I am, well, skinny again. Like the perks of having lost my weight.
Now remember, with my anorexia, when I don’t eat I gain weight. So this list while also very unhealthy has perks to try and motivate me to eat to lose weight.
SO I thought.
I found it making me stressed and depressed.
It was putting undue pressure on me.
Why hadn’t I completed more of these tasks?! Why were so few checked off?! What’s wrong with me??!!
Tonight, just now, I decided to delete this list. It will no longer be on my phone with me wherever I go. I can no longer access it 24/7 and obsess over it. No longer striving for perfection and stressing myself out.
2017 I need to be healthier.
And deleting this list? Well, it’s freeing me.
Below is some excerpts of the list to give you an example of my expectations of what I was going to accomplish. These are all things I have done but was trying to get back to again.
✨Things I Want to Do✨
[These are some examples of dates–I updated my list with ideas or completions]
3/17/14; 7/24/14; 12/18/14; 2/3/15; 6/3/15; 8/13/15; 5/8/16
• wear miniskirt with boots with fur
• wear visible belly rings
• wear bikini
• dance ✔️ 7/1/2014
• wear size 13 pants, maybe 11
• cut my hair short ✔️
• do the scorpion
• lay out and tan
• go swimming
• take pictures
• get things for free
• be noticed
• round off
• strut like a *high school easy girl*: turn heads, get whatever I want, and free
• eat whatever I want without feeling self conscious, guilty, judged, or fat
• eat wherever I want
• not feel guilty if any abdominal skin shows (eg when shirt rides up)
• go to the gym and not be self conscious
• go to the gym by myself because I can moderate myself
• have my clavicles visible again
**took a dark turn around here**
Oh ya. I got it. And not the vomiting kind. The diarrhea kind.
And it hurt. So bad.
For 4 days I peed out my booty. Ya over share I get it. But it was horrible!!
All I kept thinking about was laxatives. Was this what it was like? The cramping? The same response?
I mean I could just feel skinnier.
Granted I was severely dehydrated. I could barely keep up and out of the hospital. The hell I was going in there!!
All I ate was small bits of bread and gatorade. For 6 days.
Everything went right through me. Including my psych meds. I started to hallucinate and become delusional!!
I better have lost some damn weight.
I mean I’m still having stomach cramping, gas, and bloating. It’s not all done yet. Rehydrating still.
My poor booty is still so raw.
Desitin baby booty cream is my best friend.
Happy Holidays. Santa gave me the stomach flu.
And even if I lost weight from this, I’m not sure all this pain was worth it. Maybe because I am still in pain I feel that way.
Ed’s voice obvi feels differently. Like bring on round two for 20 pounds!!!
SO conflicting. Stupid eating disorders. So damn torn!!
Oh just perusing through a website recently because they are having massive sales.
I decided to take a look at their jewelry thinking that maybe I’ll find something cute as a holiday gift for a friend or maybe a little something for myself.
I see a section that is “body jewelry” and am thinking oh, awesome, anklets–even though my cankles are hideous in them. Man I used to rock them alllll the time though…you know, when I was thin.
Well instead I find something I’m in love with. Something Ed’s voice wants me to achieve and right now. Something that, even in my thinnest days, would never work thanks to how my body is destined to be shaped.
Instant hatred. Jealousy. Deep envy. Desires to slash fat off my body.
Why can’t I be thin? Why can’t I have body parts like everyone else; fit into common people clothes? Be able to never have to try things on because my size is always the same so I can just blindly buy?
This self hatred spiral. How was it all triggered?
One piece of jewelry. One I want so bad. One that realistically no one is probably even wearing. And yet, rationality is gone.
I’m slipping in my mind.
I feel myself just losing it.
I hate the word crazy.
I am not stable.
I had a panic attack today for a reason I cannot disclose just yet.
I’m trying to combat my anxiety by living in the moment. And yet it feels like it is also creating more anxiety because I feel ill prepared as I am behind schedule.
This just makes me question reality even more.
Having a hard time with deciphering between the two again.
I hate when this happens!!
Derealization is one of the worst feelings.
I already have trust issues.
Can’t trust myself. Can’t trust society. Who do I trust? What do I trust?
I know that I am not of sound mind. I just wish there was no stigma and that I could easily take the time I needed to heal. Without hassle.
I see you have the flu/stroke/seizure disorder/broken bones–please relax and get well soon!
No, Cassie, you’re just lazy and making things up. You’re fine. Get back to work and life.
I’m just fighting a losing battle in my head every second of the day. It tires me. It would have killed you years ago. But you can’t see it so it obviously doesn’t exist.
I’m tired of having non visible injuries: fat anorexic, rotator cuff injury, first rib thoracic outlet syndrome, microtears in my ligaments, tears in ligaments, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, …
It all rubs it in that I am not of sound mind.
Well, I am of the Sound of Ed’s Voice.