Tag Archive | fat

Where to Start?!

This is my return.

I’m overwhelmed with what to say. Like where to start.

There has been so many changes in my life over the past 7 months. I wanted to write as they happened. It helps me process and feel. Experience the moment as they say in DBT.

Thanks to fear and trying to protect my anonymity, I had to give time in-between some significant events so that I cannot be identified.

I have followed of you and am so proud of you. Your accomplishments and strides you are making. These struggles are so. Real.

I guess the first biggest struggle, which will be my first focus, is I completed, and graduated from the Trauma Therapy.

As in I had no choice they basically told me, in one month we are cutting you free because that’s the end goal. After 4 years of intensive therapy. To nothing.

Oooo plot twist?!


Quotes Because

I’m barely holding on.

People are so jacked and cruel in this world. This is literally holding me together.


Believe what you want. But this is my thought.

I believe we have deeper connections with some people. Like we can sense when something is wrong or off with that person; sense their distress.

I have it with a few people. Maybe because I chose to foster those connections and relationships–who knows!

That is just the background for my freaky intuition that I didn’t realize I was having.

The past few months I have had horrendous bloating, spotting, weight gain, and specific weight gain in my stomach.

With that has come severe irrational thoughts of me being pregnant. Never ending ruminations.

It’s not possible right now–if I was I’d be dead.

But the fat and weight gain just hike up the paranoia.

I received a call from one of my bests tonight: “I have big news” “You’re pregnant!!”

Not a beat was dropped. I surprised even myself for knowing that! Yet somehow I knew.

Ya how the fuck I would know that is a miracle! They weren’t even trying yet. The last discussion was a joke about how she gets a year till they start trying. She had wanted more time.

Alas, here we are.

Excited. Nervous. Praying for a girl 💎💅🏻🍼🎀

But maybe my body was sympathizing and in tune with her–fake pregnancy and all. Get fat to support.

Yay for her!! Fuck my body!

It can stop now.

Wait, What?

I’ve hit the anxiety chaos point again. The one where I am so stressed out and anxious that I cannot remember a damn thing.

I forgot to take my pain meds this am.

I’m grateful to my amazing boyfriend who went out of his way to deliver them to me.

Because I haven’t even told y’all yet: PC and I are moving in together.

Yes I should be excited and squealing like a school girl.

But my anxiety and Ed’s voice are on repeat: he’s going to see the real you and bail, you’re too fat to be loved [ive gained a lot of weight lately], he’s going to back out, it’s all a delusion, I’m trapped in another mental reality or dream, I haven’t coped with this yet, wtf omg change.

Ya I need to cope with the change.

The big change.

The one I told my therapy team. About my anorexia.

Ya if I can break this cycle I’m sure I’ll have positive steps forward. Less walls!

I don’t think. Wait. Nope. I’m not ready to let go of anorexia.

I’m way too fat. Like pushing 250 again at least. Ya go ahead and vomit because I have been. It’s horrendous.

Where does it come from?! I’m not even fucking eating!! I’m too stressed out and anxious to eat! Last week I was so stressed out by a situation I was vomitting twice a day!! HOW DOES THAT MAKE ME GAIN WEIGHT?!?! Someone fucking clue me in!!

And then now I’m forgetting shit.

I need a trip. Psychotic. Drug. Anything to escape because reality blows.

People are cruel and ruthless; always taking their personal issues out on me like I’m their little punching bag.

Mindfulness says live in the moment and that is all I’m trying to do. Even if it is biting me in the ass.

Je Déteste 

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I hate my birthday.

It is an utter reminder how much of a failure I am.

How I haven’t accomplished the things I expected to since my last birthday. And this is a major one which society keeps reminding me how I haven’t met a lot of things.

I’m not married. I’m not in my dream / trained for job. I don’t have my Masters yet. I don’t have kids [mixed feelings]. I live with my parents. I don’t get to do what I want when I want to.

I’m still really really fat.

I have ballooned up in the last few weeks.

The worst thing ever before a birthday.

I hate birthdays because it’s all about food. And I just got back from flying across the country to the south to see some family. Where it’s all about the food. Deep fat fried food.

Still psychologically coping from being surrounded by it. My mother started following me into bathrooms at one point.

But I hate my birthday because people forget it. It’s in June. People are graduating, out for summer, on vacation, etc. they are self absorbed.

While I go out of my way to ensure others aren’t forgotten, I am.

Facebook? Horrible slap in the face. 1,000+ friends and only 5 manage to post “hbd”?

Talk about invalidating me and my existence!!

Hence why over the years I’ve pulled away. And each year, my therapists tell me to avoid Facebook for at least a few days after my birthday. To emotionally take care of my self first and focus on the self care–not others.

Last year I made the mistake and went on. I was destroyed by family. No cards. No calls. No texts. You would think I’m some raging bitch who beats kittens.

No, I’m the anorexic who is self sacrificing, takes shit from others, tolerates the invalidation, and attracts toxic relationships.

I have already heard from my toxic ex boyfriends who are probably looking for my sex because they know I’m a good bang. They always show up around my birthday. Never fails.

The difference this year is I have PC who is amazing. And he has given me a great one. We found a place together! Of course while I was across the country and stressed out, but I am leaving my toxic home!!

But even with his greatness, it still can’t outweigh all the rejection from everyone else I know is coming.

I feel constantly sick in the stomach; ready to vomit. I have been so stressed out I am having diarrhea. I am physically exhausted.

Je déteste mon anniversaire. Je déteste les personnes. Je déteste la société.

Time Summary

I took some blog time off since my grandma died.

I always thought that when I started this blog two things would happen: 1) I would find catharsis and 2) I would inspire people and have hundreds if not a thousand readers–touching their lives because they, too, were plagued by the same issues.

I keep finding heartbreak that I do not have the hundreds of readers–I always see a surge when I hit a stride of what might seem like proana content but I am trying to prove the struggles of anorexia. Then those readers always disappear within months, as most eating disorder followers do.

So, I need to focus on this as my catharsis.

But it feels so selfish. And I struggle with that.

I also struggle with reliving the horrors of my life. I lived through it once. Why would I want to do it again, especially when my best friend, avoidance, preaches against that?

Many times I have opened the app or formulated posts in my head.

And many times I backed out because it was too much to handle.

Because, yes everyone has their shits and borrow in their life. But Cherry always reminded me that I needed to stop downplaying my own.

And I have radically accepted that my life is one dark cursed shitstorm.

  • My grandma died.
  • That coping has been rough.
  • I work with tyrrants whom have displayed the same mannerisms as my previous job. Thus it has been proven same institution, same mentality no matter the department. 
  • I have begun, and still am going through, physical therapy. 
  • I went to Disneyland with PC–so much stress because I gained weight and it turns out my shorts didn’t fit. Total melt down.
  • I relapsed again.
  • On the way down to Disbeyland, I saw a relative who is one of the biggest contributors to my anorexia. She even has written me out of her will when I was 14 years old because I couldn’t be bought off. Trying to fix it but that was intense.
  • While in Disneyland I was in the middle of an epic fight with one of my best friends: Cindy.
  • PC and I had a wonderful time! It was magical!
  • Yet I still was obsessed with food and being fat. And being in control and things being perfect.
  • The Tinkerbell 5k was beyond emotionally stressful. I had been dreaming and training for it before my injury 6 months ago. In PT they told me positively NO running. In ED therapy they told me NO running. I’m not a quitter-I finish what I start. So I decided to walk it. But when I was there, in the moment, my hypergymnasia kicked in. And I ran. I really hurt myself but I was so proud of my fat ass–I cried at the finish line. First run since November! With an entire side of my body seriously injured and lungs too. That, is anorexia.
  • Been depressed since because I can’t work out.
  • Anxiety has increased.
  • Eating has decreased.
  • PC had surgery and I was his primary caretaker.
  • I didn’t sleep for 2.5 weeks.
  • I ate fast food. First time in probably 5 years. My body fought back. I was out for 4 days. That’s anorexia.
  • My car died. Like completely. My car PTSD went through the roof. 
  • I had to buy a new [used] car. After dropping $$ on the other car for repairs because “she’s in great condition you’re fine” assholes.
  • Car PTSD.
  • Did I mention car PTSD?
  • Now I’m down hella cash and flipping the fuck out.
  • PC and I are looking at places together because in a few months we are living together.
  • I met PC’s parents.
  • Then both of our parents met.
  • I have no free time because it’s in therapy of some sort.
  • People at work keep trying to fuck me over. I wish I could explain but it would be a HIPPA violation.
  • All I want to do is sleep. Because it is lacking in my life the last few weeks.

So the current theme here: stress on stress on stress.

Just not sure where to go here. I feel like I’m drowning. And my birthday is coming up. I hate my birthday.

#45 the tiny hoop

But seriously though….
And this guy is hilarious!
Guy at work dissing a ‘fat girl’. I’ve seen him in the changing rooms – he’s got a TINY cock. Why do we push our insecurities on to others?