I’m barely holding on.
People are so jacked and cruel in this world. This is literally holding me together.
I did online dating. And this really does exist. Men are entitled. They think they deserve to have this skinny perfectly shaped Barbie. While they themselves are beyond flawed.
At least that is how it persists in the area I live in. It sucks to be a woman.
But that is besides the point.
How, as someone with an eating disorder, as someone who is trying and fighting every damn day to love themselves, are you supposed to take this?
I know I am not the only woman out there who has dealt with this.
Please share your stories so I can empower you.
Because I have horror stories, too.
Some caused relapse. Some caused sex binges because they were triggering.
Feeling pretty damn accomplished right now…
I completed one of my New Years Resolutions/goals.
At the beginning of the year, I made a list of goals for myself on my iPod Touch so I would always have it with me. To obsessively obsess over. 😀
Anyways. One of these goals was to get back on track with something that fell off when I went to college–pleasure reading. I never had time. I accumulated books over those extensive never ending years [hey working full time and school full time is no joke!!].
Almost all was lost and I forgot how to get back into it. So much so I had started about fifteen books and never finished one. That was partially credited to the whole first major relapse with anxiety, hypomania, and inability to focus.
This year I was determined to just finish things.
Goal: read 50 books.
Sounds stupid easy to some I know. But for me, there were months where my energy was so low or I was too anxious I couldn’t do it. I was too overwhelmed. I went a couple of months not reading at all. Those compulsions drove me crazy!!
But I am proud to say, today I finished two books [one previously started] and made it to 50!!
There were times where I really thought I was not going to make it. It stressed me out because I was missing out on literature and expanding my mind!
My job and its hours really limit me on a lot but I found my own ways to sneak in reading.
The best part? It builds on one of the DBT Skills–building mastery. This in turn provides confidence. And right now I’m feeling so high!
No fear work will crush that!
But I met a major New Year’s goal. :]
Here we go again!!
I’m waiting, almost all my sedative on board. Still anxious as fuuuuuuuh.
Still don’t do eyes.
Getting my other eye cut open. I hate that I can’t just close my eyes through it. Nope. Wide eyed and open. Both eyes are getting it again.
I’m going to be so swollen. Stitches. Bruising.
Anorexia + body image issues from eye surgery = long few weeks.
And this will make a month of no sex. Greaaaaay.
Can someone just take me out like Old Yeller? No not really.
Just been a rough week as those of you who have been following are aware. And just not sure I’m emotionally ready to deal with people tomorrow while I’m still fighting one battle at a time.
Current battle: focus on breathing.
Then focus on eating. Then focus on not verbal cutting people even if she I mean they deserve it for their verbally assault ice commentary [I know it’s coming].
Then. One step at a time. Just a lot going on I haven’t even mentioned on here. If I did, I’d lose it. It’s too much to handle at once.