Ok so I might have left y’all on quite a cliffhanger there… Seasonal anxiety has started what with this being the food months and all. And the whole starting a new therapist amidst wanting to die…
Let’s add a dash of continued work stressors, family drama, and other loss of control.
I had my first status asthmaticus [severe asthma attack]. Solid. Been super sick–the joys of malnutrition thanks to anorexia. Still dealing with the stress of my injuries.
Flew cross country to spend my first week ever with PC’s family on vacation. I was extremely stressed about this–would they accept me? Would I be good enough? All I want is to be part of a family and be accepted; to be appreciated. How was I going to go from barely 2 snacks and 1 “dinner” to eating meals in front of his observing family? Who, PS, are all thin like him and eat allll the time!
All in all the trip was amazing! We had a wonderful time and it was everything I have ever dreamed of in terms of acceptance from a partner’s family! Spent individual time with the parents, siblings, babies; even had double dates with the parents and the siblings! I felt at ease almost all the time except meals.
I did my cope ahead and tried to meal plan as best as I could. But the south is all meat based and a lot of fried foods. This is a stark contrast from California let me tell you!!
His family was also acutely aware and accommodating to my “vegetarianism” which made it harder for me to not eat and go unnoticed. I did, however, manage to skip breakfast every day to compensate.
I was constantly feeling sick. I had upgraded to 2 full normal people meals and 2 snacks with 1 dessert every day! Ick thinking back makes me sick again. My stomach wasn’t ready for that.
The only other significant thing has been therapy.
New style. I was nervous at first but when I thought about it, it made a lot of sense.
I am now in eating disorder and anxiety therapy that is trauma based.
Yes. Whaaaaaat?! Trauma?!
If you have read my about me page you would see one of my diagnoses is PTSD. Well, it seems it extends a lot further than realized. All the recurring nightmares and thoughts–reliving things triggered by people/words/events. That is what we are going to tackle.
The thought being, treat the trauma, break some of the anxiety which reduces a lot of the stress and anxiety responses which are tightly linked with my anorexia.
Right now we have been fine tuning my DBT skills so that they are “natural occurrence” when the trauma portion starts.
I will definitely blog through that.
Nervous but hoping it works. It’s been months since I’ve slept through the night. Work drama and stress is increasing the night terrors and nightmares. Poor PC. :[
And there I stand. Literally living hour to hour trying to survive. Hating many aspects but always looking for that rubbish silver lining.
Cassie is still around. She just shuts down when she is overwhelmed and there’s been too much new new.
And still fat because vicious cycle of not eating.
Ok let me start off with I’ve been channeling my OCD behaviors into Bullet Journal ing. I love it and it’s helpful for me. It’s cathartic. It gets crap out of my head. It shuts out Ed and Edie’s voices for a bit.
Naturally, I’m on Pinterest looking for things to “bujo” as us lazy I mean cool kids say.
I stumbled on these. They are so going in. An excellent reminder [for me minus the prayer part but insert mindfulness].
I’m guilty of a lot of these. Helps me identify. Are you?
I am being transitioned to another doctor.
Ironically, while my therapist filled my spot and cut her hours, she basically needs closure with our relationship.
I needed her. She wasn’t there for me.
I AM THE ONE WITH ABANDONMENT ISSUES!!
I wanted to die.
She left me there.
Then she turfs me to someone else.
Yea must be hard for her.
Well the sick bitch in me is like –ya I’m SO anorexic I’ve broken two therapists now!!
Yet I’m still getting fatter.
And earlier this week when I saw my psychiatrist I had to briefly relieve all my trauma of the past few months with no ability for treatment–just a tell her why I was so stressed and wanted to die thing. She had no clue. My therapist didn’t tell her shit.
Good communication team!!
So I’ve gained weight. Because I’m not eating.
I had to talk about that.
I resume treatment immediately because the insurance bullshit is dealt with.
I’ve been deemed acute/critical.
Because I am barely eating. Self harming. OCD high. Anxiety high. And treatment was abruptly cut three months ago when I was at a critical stage.
But the debate is on if I should be just outpatient.
Ha. We will see.
Goodbye old therapist later this week.
Just like waiting for your crush to call after a date, that long awaited call came.
And thankfully I’m still alive to take it. Ed didn’t kill me yet.
“There’s a Korean word my grandma taught me. It’s called jung. It’s the connection between two people that can’t be severed, even when love turns to hate. You still have those old feelings for them; you can’t ever completely shake them loose of you; you will always have tenderness in your heart for them.”- Jenny Han, P.S. I Still Love You
How much I relate to this. This quote stopped me short when I heard it [doing the whole audiobook thing right now].
It takes a lot for me to hate someone. I hate so very few. Part of the whole PLURR lifestyle I live.
People who have hurt me and I hate I still think of. You know you’re fucked when you’re literally dead to me; when I feel nothing. This must be why.