I’m barely holding on.
People are so jacked and cruel in this world. This is literally holding me together.
Well it’s just how it feels.
And will keep feeling as long as I’m in my invalidating and toxic work environment.
Funny how I flit from one toxicity to the next.
I tried to leave for the better to only end up worse. Ya, it was possible. At least here I’m not throwing up and crying before shifts. Maybe because I’m so numb?
Well, needless to say, by chance of miracles or what, I landed an interview recently.
I feel like it was due in part to a favor to my mother but I’m grateful nonetheless! For it was an interview in a position I’m trained for.
I nailed the phone interview. Felt rock solid. And I usually rock interviews. Never have had an issue.
I always get the offer in the end….it’s just the whole wait for a contract that was promised and it never come.
Well, the timing of this couldn’t be better. Everything is spiraling at work and no amount of DBT skills can salvage.
Yet when I had the interview, face to face, I just feel like I failed. Like I was throwing fails around by fistfuls out of my pockets.
My answers were not as solid as I usually have them. I couldn’t focus it.
I couldn’t sell myself.
“Your resume is very impressive, seriously, but I see here you were licensed in xx so how come you have not held a job [using said license]”
OK too complex to get into it on here without giving away a lot of identifiers… But just know this… No it is not me. Basically society fucking sucks and so does the economy. My resume would make you vomit because it’s so impressive.
But I sacrificed everything and couldn’t get the job because I wclearly as the wrong place wrong time. And in some cases, had some employers tell me I was too fat [while they had 100lbs on me] yes it’s illegal but California gets away with a looooot of shit mang.
I also had to keep working to pay, you know, bills? I have never had anyone to take care of me like that. But California apparently expected that. It’s ridiculous. It’s ludicrous.
Thus my job intimidated others because they thought I’d be bored….
Why doesn’t anyone ask me?!
Wellllll here I sit. I had to delicately and politely answer the question. With couth. Head held high as I was yet again reminded of allll the times I was never good enough.
I walked out just knowing that when I needed something the most, again, I failed. I can’t have it.
And all because someone does not believe in me.
Stay tuned I have not been officially rejected it’s just how I’m feeling. Don’t want to get my hopes up because I would be beyond devastated to lose it again.
I did online dating. And this really does exist. Men are entitled. They think they deserve to have this skinny perfectly shaped Barbie. While they themselves are beyond flawed.
At least that is how it persists in the area I live in. It sucks to be a woman.
But that is besides the point.
How, as someone with an eating disorder, as someone who is trying and fighting every damn day to love themselves, are you supposed to take this?
I know I am not the only woman out there who has dealt with this.
Please share your stories so I can empower you.
Because I have horror stories, too.
Some caused relapse. Some caused sex binges because they were triggering.
Oh just perusing through a website recently because they are having massive sales.
I decided to take a look at their jewelry thinking that maybe I’ll find something cute as a holiday gift for a friend or maybe a little something for myself.
I see a section that is “body jewelry” and am thinking oh, awesome, anklets–even though my cankles are hideous in them. Man I used to rock them alllll the time though…you know, when I was thin.
Well instead I find something I’m in love with. Something Ed’s voice wants me to achieve and right now. Something that, even in my thinnest days, would never work thanks to how my body is destined to be shaped.
Instant hatred. Jealousy. Deep envy. Desires to slash fat off my body.
Why can’t I be thin? Why can’t I have body parts like everyone else; fit into common people clothes? Be able to never have to try things on because my size is always the same so I can just blindly buy?
This self hatred spiral. How was it all triggered?
One piece of jewelry. One I want so bad. One that realistically no one is probably even wearing. And yet, rationality is gone.
Another beautiful moment. I cried with Pennsatucky because in my therapy this moment and first quote has really been emphasized.
Is it DBT? CBT? Who knows because it’s very real and amazing life advice.
If you can, I recommend googling for this clip because words cannot capture the raw emotion that was captured so well by the actresses. Truly depicts my turmoil.
Sidebar [and spoiler if you haven’t seen past Season 2], Pennsatucky was raped and this is a moment where she reflects on that pain, suffering, and forgiveness.
Pennsatucky: Do you know the difference between pain and suffering?
Big Boo: Oh I can’t wait to hear this…
Pennsatucky: Ya well you should hear because pain is something that … Pain is always there because Life is freakin painful ok? But suffering is a choice.
And you my friend, it’s not my right to say, but you’re suffering!
Forgiveness. You need to move on Boo.
I forgave him for me. And I think you are capable of doing something like that.