Tag Archive | mental health

Anorexia Isn’t Pretty: Long Term Effects

People make it seem so glamorous. Eating disorders are so marvelous. You lose weight and get attention. That’s how it works right? That’s what the media shows.

I am still that lifer. I still actively fight every. Damn. Day.

But here is what they never tell you.

Anorexia destroys your teeth.

You always here about how bulimia destroys teeth. How the purging and that acid decays the teeth. No one mentions the anorexia.

I’ll tell you. Settle in.

Six years.

That’s how long since I’ve been to the dentist. Because I was so agitated that they kept finding cavities. I stopped.

Well that and because I had full blown lost it and was drowning in a massive anorexia battle in 2013.

If I brush my teeth, that means I ate something. If I ate something, I will gain weight. I am fearful of fat. Therefore, I don’t eat and don’t have to brush my teeth.

And since I’m not eating, I can’t get cavities so I don’t need to go to the dentist. [Ed’s voice: or she will see it and bust you]. Done.

Six years pass. Time flies when you are anorexic.

But guess what? I still have cavities. Why?

Well my enamel is weak. Because of malnutrition. And because of malnutrition, my gums and teeth are not so hot. I’m on a medication for treatment that has a side effect of dry mouth [and it’s baaaad]. This leaves my mouth cracked and susceptible to infection and more decay.

I have horrible reflux from all the time I starve and restrict. That acid goes somewhere folks!!! Yup bulimia may have more acknowledged vomiting destruction but GERD and reflux has it too.

And the anxiety and stress from anorexia [as well as my toxic job] causes even more reflux and periods of vomiting sooo there’s that.

Add in my lack of brushing thanks to the lovely Ed’s voice and here are my consequences.

I was brutally honest with my dentist because I have been seeing her since I was a kid. I told her how I was in care for anorexia for the past 6 years and my string of toxic jobs.

She was amazing and supportive. She was just as surprised as I was that my mouth and teeth didn’t sustain more damage. Only 6 cavities?! I mean that’s actually great!

She’s creating a treatment plan for me. I’m coming back every other week for some more hygiene and the fillings. I hate it but maybe I can get back into good health again.

No one talks about eating disorders and oral care. Or anxiety!

I had severe anxiety while there but thanks to alllllll my therapy I was able to get there, stay there, and go through the 1.5 hour cleaning. Yesssss that long.

I hate not being perfect. I hate not being in control.

I hate even more that my teeth now hurt and I am on a liquid diet because the pain is bad. I hear Ed’s voice creeping in telling me to not eat. I remember the days where I didn’t eat for 2 days after the dentist because I loved that clean feeling.

Battling this is so tiring. Fighting my own thoughts. People don’t get it. They don’t get the stress. How easy it is to slip back into not eating again. Into counting calories and restriction. Any excuse to segway back in.

It’s scary. It’s frightening.

For now I stick with my sea salt rinses and liquid diet praying I can overcome this. Not slip. I’m already slipping. It’s been a long long few months.

And to think, anorexia is supposedly without any issues and is soooo wonderful! At least, that’s what the movies say.

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For One Night…

… Let’s pretend to be normal.

Anything but what we are.

Where to Start?!

This is my return.

I’m overwhelmed with what to say. Like where to start.

There has been so many changes in my life over the past 7 months. I wanted to write as they happened. It helps me process and feel. Experience the moment as they say in DBT.

Thanks to fear and trying to protect my anonymity, I had to give time in-between some significant events so that I cannot be identified.

I have followed of you and am so proud of you. Your accomplishments and strides you are making. These struggles are so. Real.

I guess the first biggest struggle, which will be my first focus, is I completed, and graduated from the Trauma Therapy.

As in I had no choice they basically told me, in one month we are cutting you free because that’s the end goal. After 4 years of intensive therapy. To nothing.

Oooo plot twist?!

DBT Skills: Coping Bullet Journal

Ok let me start off with I’ve been channeling my OCD behaviors into Bullet Journal ing. I love it and it’s helpful for me. It’s cathartic. It gets crap out of my head. It shuts out Ed and Edie’s voices for a bit. 

Naturally, I’m on Pinterest looking for things to “bujo” as us lazy I mean cool kids say. 

I stumbled on these. They are so going in. An excellent reminder [for me minus the prayer part but insert mindfulness].

I’m guilty of a lot of these. Helps me identify. Are you?

Surviving vs. Thriving. A Collage.

In experiential group last night, we made collages of what our lives look like just surviving and what they look like thriving. The left half is surviving and the right is thriving. I put a woman punching a punching bag because living with my eating disorder feels like I’m always in a fight for survival. […]

https://a2eternity.wordpress.com/2016/03/16/surviving-vs-thriving-a-collage/

Your Comments Aren’t Helping Anyone

This week Joan Bakewell made a sweeping statement that anorexia was a result of society becoming more narcissistic; she later apologised for the distress caused by her ‘reported views’ and of course has been widely criticised; but I’m still left feeling quite angry and frustrated that this kind of information is still finding it’s way into […]

http://kate-elliott.co.uk/2016/03/15/your-comments-arent-helping-anyone/

Control

This song has been a current favorite for about two months now. Really resonates.

It’s raw. The lyrics. The feeling. It’s me. It’s me vs Ed and Edie.

Always nice to find a song that validates myself.

Control- Halsey

They send me away to find them a fortune

A chest filled with diamonds and gold

The house was awake

With shadows and monsters

The hallways they echoed and groaned
I sat alone, in bed ’til the morning

I’m crying, “They’re coming for me”

And I tried to hold these secrets inside me

My mind’s like a deadly disease
I’m bigger than my body

I’m colder than this home

I’m meaner than my demons

I’m bigger than these bones
And all the kids cried out,

“Please stop, you’re scaring me”

I can’t help this awful energy

Goddamn right, you should be scared of me

Who is in control?
I paced around for hours, on empty

I jumped at the slightest of sounds

And I couldn’t stand the person inside me

I turned all the mirrors around
I’m bigger than my body

I’m colder than this home

I’m meaner than my demons

I’m bigger than these bones
And all the kids cried out,

“Please stop, you’re scaring me”

I can’t help this awful energy

Goddamn right, you should be scared of me

Who is in control?
I’m well acquainted

With villains that live in my bed

They beg me to write them

So they’ll never die when I’m dead
And I’ve grown familiar

With villains that live in my head

They beg me to write them

So I’ll never die when I’m dead
I’m bigger than my body

I’m colder than this home

I’m meaner than my demons

I’m bigger than these bones
And all the kids cried out,

“Please stop, you’re scaring me”

I can’t help this awful energy

Goddamn right, you should be scared of me

Who is in control?

Oh.