Tag Archive | obsessions

Too Much for One Title

I have kept myself alive.

This has been huge considering the events of the past few weeks.

I have not sabotaged. I have not succumbed to Ed’s voice let alone what I feel like the universe keeps trying to tell me.

I am struggling with the whole eating thing but I am doing some of it. There are days when I feel I have no purpose in life but I find purpose in the day.

I always thought I was at the lowest point in a career. I thought that it could not get worse because I never thought people could behave any worse than what I experienced.

My previous job was horrid. When I left it I thought, phew it could never be this bad anywhere else.

Universe was like: challenge accepted!

So the past few years, this lady, one who has never let anyone/anyplace/anything change who she is; changed by a department.

It literally ate at my soul.

Yes. They do exist.

Outside of this blog world, I am a very happy and positive person. I never want people to experience anything I ever had nor do I think that people deserve my “wrath” unless they truly do something morally injust or ethically wrong to get it. This place is the inside of my head.

My workplace? They thrived on trying to bring me down. For several years, I was bullied and harassed on a daily basis. Sometimes by staff who came and went, but always by these 2 people old enough to be my mothers. I always tried to understand what could drive someone to be so cruel; to do what they do. A psychopathic person has more rationale than these two. At least it’s in their head.

They thrived on making my life miserable from stealing my things to actually deleting my work [in Healthcare that’s baaaaad] and falsifying claims saying I did not do it. Mainly because I made them look bad.

I ignored it. But it got to a head.

We got a new manager. Because yes our entire department in the few years I’ve been there has gone through several FULL staff turnovers and 6 managers. Say something?

I stupidly stuck through it. I tried to leave multiple times but the patients begged me to stay. And there was something more complicated but my concern had me stay a bit longer at one point.

Well this new manager decided they hated me for who knows what. They made no effort to actually know me. Considering I kept their department afloat, started two committees, and was head of several massive board projects you think I’d be one to know.

They publicly threatened several times over my job.

For several months I cried every day.

Why was I not good enough? I work my ass off. I sacrifice myself. I follow all the rules. I am opening a new sub department for them.

I. Am. A. Good. Person.

But that doesn’t mean good things will happen to you. That is not reality.

This manager threatened to terminate me on falsified information by one of the older ladies who bullied me. While this manager was part of the constant bullying and harassing, they kept making me look like a fool even to our patients whom in return despised this new manager.

I quit.

It was the hardest decision, by far, I have ever made in my life.

I walked away.

I left patients in harms way. But I, too, was being threatened and harmed.

In trauma, we are taught to do what’s best for the greater good. If I can’t even take care of myself…how am I to take care of the greater good?!

My constant self sacrifice was taken advantage of and abused to the max.

No more.

My family and friends begged me to quit. One cried on the phone with me to quit. And so I did.

A week later, and more trauma from the event later, I realized why it’s been so hard.

I have been in abusive relationships: dating, family, friends. I have also grown up in a world of invalidation. This job was just that. It was an extremely abusive relationship. Until I was out, I could not see it. I tried to leave but it did not work. The cold cut quit is what did it.

Given my history of PTSD, this has been a rough few weeks. A TON of nightmares and terrors. I am barely sleeping.

The trauma exposure only recently ended 3 days ago…. And frankly it’s probably not over yet. I couldn’t even get a clean fucking cut.

But I am still alive. I am keeping myself alive. Fuck am I a survivor.

It would be nice to have some control over my life at some point in time, for once. I’m tired of having to be hopeless and let whatever happen to me happen.

For now, baby steps.

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For One Night…

… Let’s pretend to be normal.

Anything but what we are.

Let’s Call It A Comeback

While I’ve been crafting my multiple tales behind the scenes to release unto you [ooo so fancy sounding] life clearly keeps happening. Anorexia and anxiety don’t just disappear. Those who are cured I am disgustingly envious of.

Again, I am a lifer.

I may have learned to cope with it and how to “interact” with anorexia and anxiety, but I will never be cured. Alas, my only cure is death. And while I have begged for it at times and needed it as well, I could never do it.

I digress.

I have been struggling a lot lately with stress and eating. I’m doing decently in the sense I’m eating at least one meal a day. This is major for me. It’s not like I’m actively trying to avoid it; I have no hunger instinct so I can go a whole day without even noticing I have not consumed anything. It’s bad.

My job is unnecessarily stressful. A post to come. But I also have a new stress trigger that is really driving Ed’s voice into overdrive. It will come out in another post, but let’s just say there is an extreme amount of pressure on how I will look and eyes will be on me.

OH heyyy Ed! Edie, you’re here, too?! Omg it’s a party!!

Let’s throw in all that PTSD training trying to counteract all that. Mmmm joy.

A few months ago I was cleared to return to the gym. After 2 years of physical injury. And 1.5 years before that of restriction for therapy.

Just a reminder, I have hypergymnasia: I have spent excessive amounts of time at the gym in an attempt to lose weight. It was my purge. And when I go to the gym, I lose myself and all sense of time. It’s a total mindfuck to be honest.

The last time I was in a gym, ugh I was so unhealthy!!! I had just broken my ankle and shoulder. And I was at the gym running on the treadmill while in pain. That was 2 years ago OH SHIT TO THIS WEEK!!!

Well, I made plans with one of my besties to return to the gym. Part of my recovery contingencies [for life] is I’m not allowed to workout alone. We were supposed to go last week and again Monday.

I got so anxious I panicked and canceled.

Between the stress of work and this pressure to be thin, I did the healthy thing and did not go.

I know if I went, I would be starting under the wrong intentions and it would be downhill from there. My bestie knows everything that’s going on and has been so supportive.

So today we went. And I was so anxious. And scared.

I was worried I was too fat in the gym outfit I had. I was honestly fearful of the judgment by people at the gym. I was scared I would lose control. I was afraid I would spiral; that Ed would slide into control.

What I was most fearful of? My injuries being so bad that they would incapacitate me from doing the exercises I know and love. And I would have lost my identity.

Good news: the broken shoulder has healed enough through physical therapy that I was able to do the exercises I have done in the past!! I actually cried at the gym. The ankle has as well.

Bad news: I can’t turn off the hypergymnasia. My beastie turned to me and was like we have been here an hour time to go. I honestly thought it had been 10 minutes.

Absolutely no concept of time. It’s scary. I could end up hurting myself again. Breaking something. Or, as Eddie points out, getting fatter because I am working out too much without enough caloric intake.

I gain weight when I stop eating. I am am atypical anorexic due to years of anorexia and no formal treatment till my late twenties.

I feel disgusted by myself for feeling pleasure in the muscle burn and stamina I have. It’s not because I’m healthier than I thought but for the idea I can keep pushing myself harder.

But dammit, this is a massive comeback!! Literally years in the making.

Cassie is back at the gym. My happy place. Under supervision of a bestie. Without therapy support. Trying to do this the right way.

Here’s a big challenge!!

Where to Start?!

This is my return.

I’m overwhelmed with what to say. Like where to start.

There has been so many changes in my life over the past 7 months. I wanted to write as they happened. It helps me process and feel. Experience the moment as they say in DBT.

Thanks to fear and trying to protect my anonymity, I had to give time in-between some significant events so that I cannot be identified.

I have followed of you and am so proud of you. Your accomplishments and strides you are making. These struggles are so. Real.

I guess the first biggest struggle, which will be my first focus, is I completed, and graduated from the Trauma Therapy.

As in I had no choice they basically told me, in one month we are cutting you free because that’s the end goal. After 4 years of intensive therapy. To nothing.

Oooo plot twist?!

New Year’s Goal Met

Success!!

Feeling pretty damn accomplished right now…

I completed one of my New Years Resolutions/goals.

At the beginning of the year, I made a list of goals for myself on my iPod Touch so I would always have it with me. To obsessively obsess over. 😀

Anyways. One of these goals was to get back on track with something that fell off when I went to college–pleasure reading. I never had time. I accumulated books over those extensive never ending years [hey working full time and school full time is no joke!!].

Almost all was lost and I forgot how to get back into it. So much so I had started about fifteen books and never finished one. That was partially credited to the whole first major relapse with anxiety, hypomania, and inability to focus.

This year I was determined to just finish things.

Goal: read 50 books.

Sounds stupid easy to some I know. But for me, there were months where my energy was so low or I was too anxious I couldn’t do it. I was too overwhelmed. I went a couple of months not reading at all. Those compulsions drove me crazy!!

But I am proud to say, today I finished two books [one previously started] and made it to 50!!

There were times where I really thought I was not going to make it. It stressed me out because I was missing out on literature and expanding my mind!

My job and its hours really limit me on a lot but I found my own ways to sneak in reading.

The best part? It builds on one of the DBT Skills–building mastery. This in turn provides confidence. And right now I’m feeling so high!

No fear work will crush that!

But I met a major New Year’s goal. :]

Moving Saga: Unpacking

Moving has been beyond overwhelming. It is just so much.

The adjustment to my new place. The new routine. The new location of everything.

Oh the new location of everything!! My OCD “behaviors” are going out of control. Things aren’t in “their places” and it is so overwhelming it has me shutting down.

I’m also feeling extremely fat. Pretty sure I’m gaining weight. Like it is yoyo ing.

I’ve forced myself with 3ish meals almost consistently for like a weekish now and it’s making me physically/emotionally/psychologically exhausted.

And it also encourages the fat thoughts and reinforces them.

I also feel like I was consistent so why hasn’t the weight just fallen off now?! Come oooon!!

Time is so warped.

I’m taking it all in bite sized pieces. Unpacking the few boxes I have left similarly to how I packed: “20 minutes”–honestly it ends up being like two hours.

I’m at a standstill because things are still broken in the place preventing me from moving and unloading certain boxes which then blocks other furniture…

I had a goal of having everything unpacked within a week of moving in. I was doing so well. Then life happened [see next post]. As always.

And now PC is moving in with all his stuff which is wayyyy more than mine.

I’m beyond overwhelmed.

I’m shutting down.

I needed a week off for the move.

Feeling Accomplished…In Bed!

Ok so it’s a cheesy throw back to our grade school days when we threw “in bed” after everything we said. Ok maybe we might have continued to say it through high school as well….

But seriously. People. I am still on bed rest. I am mentally getting anxious from being in bed.

I have gone through and reminded myself of everything I want to do for organizational projects in my room. I have made lists on lists. Lists of lists. I mean I literally just stare at my room!!

I cannot do much still. Albeit I am feeling better!

How can I tell? Oh the doctor appointment today I realized I talked to anyone and everyone! I couldn’t stop!!!

After a week of silence because of the effort to talk, out it comes.

I’m also feeling abandoned and isolated.

My “friends” at work–NONE have reached out to check on me. Not a soul.

I’m devastated. I guess they are all fair weather friends.

Don’t mind me. Not breathing. Scared shitless. On mandated bedrest. Can’t even talk or walk.

It’s real not even melodramatic!!

Anyways. My mind just dwells between the anxiety, OCD behaviors, and the bed rest.

Today I was really focused on the fact that it is a new month and I need to keep up with my New Year’s Resolution of do one thing each month off of Pinterest. I was not sure what it would be.

I have some small projects that are organizational that I just needed to complete set up and ready to go. But I dug through my boards to find inspiration.

Yesterday I did a fabulous job of lying in bed sorting through my hair accessories and thinning them out. Today I wanted to do something meaningful as that from bed. Those tasks are becoming fewer.

I decided to finally finish up one of my organization tasks from months ago because it’s easy just time consuming.

And I found it on Pinterest. TWO FOR ONE!!

I have kept meaningful cards that elicit positive memories or have positive messages to me. It’s like a mindfulness/DBT thing. Positive energy-positive vibes-positive life.

I separated the cards into two piles: one that fit into my small three ring binder [large cards] and the ones to go on two binder rings .

Within each group, I organized them by date with most recent on top. Then I used my single hole punch to hole punch my cards.

Super simple. Super cute. All cleaned up and all in one place now. And my OCD behaviors just had a field day!! It felt orgasmic!

All in all it took half an hour. With my lining up to get it perfect and everything it was an awesome half hour spent.

All in bed!!

Pinterest goal for March: complete.

Resting as doctor ordered: check.

Getting organized: oh yes.

Definitely feeling accomplished!! And more so because I’m capable of doing it all from bed!