Tag Archive | obsessions

Let’s Call It A Comeback

While I’ve been crafting my multiple tales behind the scenes to release unto you [ooo so fancy sounding] life clearly keeps happening. Anorexia and anxiety don’t just disappear. Those who are cured I am disgustingly envious of.

Again, I am a lifer.

I may have learned to cope with it and how to “interact” with anorexia and anxiety, but I will never be cured. Alas, my only cure is death. And while I have begged for it at times and needed it as well, I could never do it.

I digress.

I have been struggling a lot lately with stress and eating. I’m doing decently in the sense I’m eating at least one meal a day. This is major for me. It’s not like I’m actively trying to avoid it; I have no hunger instinct so I can go a whole day without even noticing I have not consumed anything. It’s bad.

My job is unnecessarily stressful. A post to come. But I also have a new stress trigger that is really driving Ed’s voice into overdrive. It will come out in another post, but let’s just say there is an extreme amount of pressure on how I will look and eyes will be on me.

OH heyyy Ed! Edie, you’re here, too?! Omg it’s a party!!

Let’s throw in all that PTSD training trying to counteract all that. Mmmm joy.

A few months ago I was cleared to return to the gym. After 2 years of physical injury. And 1.5 years before that of restriction for therapy.

Just a reminder, I have hypergymnasia: I have spent excessive amounts of time at the gym in an attempt to lose weight. It was my purge. And when I go to the gym, I lose myself and all sense of time. It’s a total mindfuck to be honest.

The last time I was in a gym, ugh I was so unhealthy!!! I had just broken my ankle and shoulder. And I was at the gym running on the treadmill while in pain. That was 2 years ago OH SHIT TO THIS WEEK!!!

Well, I made plans with one of my besties to return to the gym. Part of my recovery contingencies [for life] is I’m not allowed to workout alone. We were supposed to go last week and again Monday.

I got so anxious I panicked and canceled.

Between the stress of work and this pressure to be thin, I did the healthy thing and did not go.

I know if I went, I would be starting under the wrong intentions and it would be downhill from there. My bestie knows everything that’s going on and has been so supportive.

So today we went. And I was so anxious. And scared.

I was worried I was too fat in the gym outfit I had. I was honestly fearful of the judgment by people at the gym. I was scared I would lose control. I was afraid I would spiral; that Ed would slide into control.

What I was most fearful of? My injuries being so bad that they would incapacitate me from doing the exercises I know and love. And I would have lost my identity.

Good news: the broken shoulder has healed enough through physical therapy that I was able to do the exercises I have done in the past!! I actually cried at the gym. The ankle has as well.

Bad news: I can’t turn off the hypergymnasia. My beastie turned to me and was like we have been here an hour time to go. I honestly thought it had been 10 minutes.

Absolutely no concept of time. It’s scary. I could end up hurting myself again. Breaking something. Or, as Eddie points out, getting fatter because I am working out too much without enough caloric intake.

I gain weight when I stop eating. I am am atypical anorexic due to years of anorexia and no formal treatment till my late twenties.

I feel disgusted by myself for feeling pleasure in the muscle burn and stamina I have. It’s not because I’m healthier than I thought but for the idea I can keep pushing myself harder.

But dammit, this is a massive comeback!! Literally years in the making.

Cassie is back at the gym. My happy place. Under supervision of a bestie. Without therapy support. Trying to do this the right way.

Here’s a big challenge!!

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Where to Start?!

This is my return.

I’m overwhelmed with what to say. Like where to start.

There has been so many changes in my life over the past 7 months. I wanted to write as they happened. It helps me process and feel. Experience the moment as they say in DBT.

Thanks to fear and trying to protect my anonymity, I had to give time in-between some significant events so that I cannot be identified.

I have followed of you and am so proud of you. Your accomplishments and strides you are making. These struggles are so. Real.

I guess the first biggest struggle, which will be my first focus, is I completed, and graduated from the Trauma Therapy.

As in I had no choice they basically told me, in one month we are cutting you free because that’s the end goal. After 4 years of intensive therapy. To nothing.

Oooo plot twist?!

New Year’s Goal Met

Success!!

Feeling pretty damn accomplished right now…

I completed one of my New Years Resolutions/goals.

At the beginning of the year, I made a list of goals for myself on my iPod Touch so I would always have it with me. To obsessively obsess over. 😀

Anyways. One of these goals was to get back on track with something that fell off when I went to college–pleasure reading. I never had time. I accumulated books over those extensive never ending years [hey working full time and school full time is no joke!!].

Almost all was lost and I forgot how to get back into it. So much so I had started about fifteen books and never finished one. That was partially credited to the whole first major relapse with anxiety, hypomania, and inability to focus.

This year I was determined to just finish things.

Goal: read 50 books.

Sounds stupid easy to some I know. But for me, there were months where my energy was so low or I was too anxious I couldn’t do it. I was too overwhelmed. I went a couple of months not reading at all. Those compulsions drove me crazy!!

But I am proud to say, today I finished two books [one previously started] and made it to 50!!

There were times where I really thought I was not going to make it. It stressed me out because I was missing out on literature and expanding my mind!

My job and its hours really limit me on a lot but I found my own ways to sneak in reading.

The best part? It builds on one of the DBT Skills–building mastery. This in turn provides confidence. And right now I’m feeling so high!

No fear work will crush that!

But I met a major New Year’s goal. :]

Moving Saga: Unpacking

Moving has been beyond overwhelming. It is just so much.

The adjustment to my new place. The new routine. The new location of everything.

Oh the new location of everything!! My OCD “behaviors” are going out of control. Things aren’t in “their places” and it is so overwhelming it has me shutting down.

I’m also feeling extremely fat. Pretty sure I’m gaining weight. Like it is yoyo ing.

I’ve forced myself with 3ish meals almost consistently for like a weekish now and it’s making me physically/emotionally/psychologically exhausted.

And it also encourages the fat thoughts and reinforces them.

I also feel like I was consistent so why hasn’t the weight just fallen off now?! Come oooon!!

Time is so warped.

I’m taking it all in bite sized pieces. Unpacking the few boxes I have left similarly to how I packed: “20 minutes”–honestly it ends up being like two hours.

I’m at a standstill because things are still broken in the place preventing me from moving and unloading certain boxes which then blocks other furniture…

I had a goal of having everything unpacked within a week of moving in. I was doing so well. Then life happened [see next post]. As always.

And now PC is moving in with all his stuff which is wayyyy more than mine.

I’m beyond overwhelmed.

I’m shutting down.

I needed a week off for the move.

Feeling Accomplished…In Bed!

Ok so it’s a cheesy throw back to our grade school days when we threw “in bed” after everything we said. Ok maybe we might have continued to say it through high school as well….

But seriously. People. I am still on bed rest. I am mentally getting anxious from being in bed.

I have gone through and reminded myself of everything I want to do for organizational projects in my room. I have made lists on lists. Lists of lists. I mean I literally just stare at my room!!

I cannot do much still. Albeit I am feeling better!

How can I tell? Oh the doctor appointment today I realized I talked to anyone and everyone! I couldn’t stop!!!

After a week of silence because of the effort to talk, out it comes.

I’m also feeling abandoned and isolated.

My “friends” at work–NONE have reached out to check on me. Not a soul.

I’m devastated. I guess they are all fair weather friends.

Don’t mind me. Not breathing. Scared shitless. On mandated bedrest. Can’t even talk or walk.

It’s real not even melodramatic!!

Anyways. My mind just dwells between the anxiety, OCD behaviors, and the bed rest.

Today I was really focused on the fact that it is a new month and I need to keep up with my New Year’s Resolution of do one thing each month off of Pinterest. I was not sure what it would be.

I have some small projects that are organizational that I just needed to complete set up and ready to go. But I dug through my boards to find inspiration.

Yesterday I did a fabulous job of lying in bed sorting through my hair accessories and thinning them out. Today I wanted to do something meaningful as that from bed. Those tasks are becoming fewer.

I decided to finally finish up one of my organization tasks from months ago because it’s easy just time consuming.

And I found it on Pinterest. TWO FOR ONE!!

I have kept meaningful cards that elicit positive memories or have positive messages to me. It’s like a mindfulness/DBT thing. Positive energy-positive vibes-positive life.

I separated the cards into two piles: one that fit into my small three ring binder [large cards] and the ones to go on two binder rings .

Within each group, I organized them by date with most recent on top. Then I used my single hole punch to hole punch my cards.

Super simple. Super cute. All cleaned up and all in one place now. And my OCD behaviors just had a field day!! It felt orgasmic!

All in all it took half an hour. With my lining up to get it perfect and everything it was an awesome half hour spent.

All in bed!!

Pinterest goal for March: complete.

Resting as doctor ordered: check.

Getting organized: oh yes.

Definitely feeling accomplished!! And more so because I’m capable of doing it all from bed!

The Intake Interview

Everything was so slow up until the actual intake. Panic attacks happened. My anxiety just blossomed into full on panic.

I was fearful that this was my last attempt at help. What if it didn’t work out? What if there is nothing wrong with me? What if it truly is all in my head? What if I’m too fucked up for her to help me?

I didn’t take any Ativan because I needed her to see me in the raw state–me at my worst. That is the whole point of this I take interview. It sucked going at it that way.

Leaving work early also was not fun. I still have fear that there was gossip about why I left early. All that nasty whispering that has been going on.

When I arrived to the clinic, during check in, another patient had seizures. So, naturally, I stepped in to assist. I don’t think the clinic handle them well, but now I’m all jacked up on adrenaline and panic juices. Fab combo.

Of course my new therapist is cute. Tiny, petite. I swear it’s like a requirement.

She has a close relationship with Cherry which makes me ecstatic. They talked about me which to most people is upsetting. To me it’s a relief. Cherry is a Cassie expert. Cherry can and will be an excellent resource as needed. Cherry was apparently proud of me for telling my boss about my struggle with anorexia. I’m still not sure if I regret that or not, but it felt wonderful to hear that from Cherry.

I had to take 3 assessment quizzes. One stated I was depressed. I said the last month it’s hard not to be when I’ve been bullied at work and home and I am unable to exercise because of my fall. I still don’t think I’m depressed–anxiety filled for sure!!

Then I had to do the usual in depth questionnaire that I hate.

Purging habits. Restricting habits. Explanations of how I truly have no desire to eat. My earliest memories of dieting desires and compulsions were 5th grade. My need to not eat was as early as 6 or 7 years old; yes I’m a lifer anorexic. I really hate food.

Then the conversation about how I’ve started to get the baby belly back again because I haven’t been eating so I’m agitated. That I’m having confusion and excessive sleepiness and it’s because I get out of meals and don’t eat not depression. But forcing to eat sucks. But I need to to lose weight.

Vicious fucking cycle.

She is tabling the idea of me working with a dietician. Ummm I will fight that. None of that.

After two hours, all I kept thinking, and still think, is I am not that sick. I don’t have a problem. When she asked about how many breakfasts/snacks/lunches/snacks/dinners I have eaten in the last 30 days, I just felt really fat. Like too many. And way too many to qualify.

But she wants to see me effective immediately. Definitely once a week minimum. She thinks maybe twice but she knows how hard it was to get once a week off for work.

She proceeded to give me a pamphlet of the labs she wants completed with my doctor as well. So while I still feel like a huge fake, it seems I’ve triggered something to indicate further and closer follow up.

It’s a relief in a way because now I can stop fighting on my own. I have someone on my team and someone who can validate me and my experiences.

Be thankful if you have friends and family who support you in your recovery. Some of us would kill for that. It’s part of what’s killing me.

My parents today told me I’m too fat that I’ll never be able to fit into a certain size. They also constantly tell me that PC must be grossed out seeing me naked. Both of my parents are more overweight than I am.

Glad to have someone remind me that what they say is not ok. Because Ed’s voice still latches on. And I’ve been crying all day over this.

Current Obsessions

Had a huge fight with PC last night. So much so I actually didn’t respond to his texts until this afternoon because I was still upset and needed space.

Which then just drives my anxiety and OCD behaviors forward.

Right now my obsessions are pretty high.

  • Organizing
  • Being organized
  • Cleaning
  • Everything having a place
  • Finding the perfect place for everything
  • Going minimalistic
  • Pinterest
  • Creating my Life Binder
  • My organization projects
  • Finishing books
  • Finishing projects
  • Reading
  • Sleeping
  • Running [can’t, injured]
  • Dying my hair [change]
  • List making

My organization projects:

  • Cards in a mini binder–have supplies 
  • Pictures in picture frames–almost complete
  • Tossing out hair products/ face washes/ shampoo/ conditioner and cleaning that all up–complete
  • Arranging zen candle display on mirror bases –ordered, create space and make it happen
  • Life Binder–have all papers and graphics in binder and sorted; need to fill them out
  • Rolodex–complete
  • Birthday card box–have the cards, have the birth dates, need to clean up who I deem worthy of sending a card to especially after this past year [all but a small handful neglected me and my birthday and I am done over extending myself].
  • DBT Card Flip–have idea and picture of it, have supplies
  • Sort jewelry 
  • Finish 10+ books I’ve started