Tag Archive | overwhelmed

Never In My Life Thought I Would

**eating disorder trigger warning**

Well. We all have those things that we would never ever do. Like maybe never ever eat escargot because it is a snail. Or go skydiving. Whatever your jam us.

Mine is I will never purge via any method except exercise.

I know the medical ramifications of laxatives. And I hate the intestinal cramps and diarrhea. Same with vomiting. I also hate hate hate throwing up. Flu season and I yuck.

Well. So I thought.

Maybe it was the combination of factors. Maybe Ed’s voice is so loud that I can’t distinguish anymore. Maybe stress has gotten to me.

Between starting my new job [which is awesome and super easy and chill], the 24/7 medical care of PC after his surgery a few weeks ago [that has beyond gotten to me], and today’s family drama related to wedding prep added to I am tired…I guess I cracked.

I took my wedding dress in for alterations earlier this week. I was scared to death. Like extremely fearful. I was convinced it would not fit because I was too fat.

I put it on…and it was loose!! I lost weight!! I was utterly shocked!! It goes to show you that my anorexia recovery of actually eating helps me to lose weight. I mean I lost so much weight the dress was a size too big I was startled.

But then she fit it tight on me. And there is Ed popping up telling me to freak out because in a few months I will not fit into it! And Edie is like girl just keep eating and we will lose soooo much weight!

Today I come home from work and I have a ton of To Dos on my list it’s overwhelming. But I always manage to get it done. Not too worried I guess.

PC and I had a fight because well his family is rude and presumptuous. And they yelled at him and he tried to roll over. Uh no.

I ate. Food. It’s probably a normal portion to people. But to me and my stomach it was maaaaassive! It was technically the largest meal I’ve had in a few weeks.

I tried all my CBT and DBT skills. But the stomach pains were too severe. I was nauseated and my heart was besting extremely fast.

There I found myself. Over my bathroom sink.

You can do it, Cassie. A finger down the throat. You know where to go anatomically. You get the urge all the time…that feeling. Maybe PC will hear you and realize you really are not OK. That your eating disorder is bad. But after you evacuate like 20oz [the milkshake and something else].

The milkshake will make it smooth. It won’t burn. You won’t feel it. The acid is neutralized.

All Ed. This was all Ed’s voice I realize now.

I sat there for a few minutes looking down at my porcelain sink while my multicolored night light flashed between colors. Battling.

Then I did what I thought I would never ever do in my life. My right index finger made contact with my throat.

What’s disturbing, to me, is the relief it did bring. It didn’t hurt. Because you literally open the valve it all comes up and your chest muscles are not crunching like in the flu. It was disturbingly a smooth action. Granted I bit myself and the I know the signs are on my hand now.

It relelieved that awful pain I felt in my stomach.

This was not a calorie fear. Or a I’m going to be a fat fear. At least not that I could identify. I truly physically hurt in my stomach.

And that relief from evacuation!

I get it now.

Then after a few more times, I realized the not so pretty side effects. No one tells you that when this happens you pee yourself a little. Thanks for that heads up!!

It was so surreal. Pure derealization. Did not feel real at all. That’s why I had to blog right away. Because I would never believe it if someone told me I did it. I needed proof.

I think I’m still there. I’m watching myself because it’s not me who did it but me. Derealization.

OH fuck I think I just puked up my meds.

I didn’t see them….

Moral here is never say never ever.

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For One Night…

… Let’s pretend to be normal.

Anything but what we are.

OK life keeps happening and faster than I can turn out past posts to update.

Quick back story: please note this is not how I wanted to tell yall.

I am engaged.

Yes you read that right. Cassie is fucking engaged. For real life. MTV TRUE LIFE: I Am an Anorexic Who is Engaged.

Very mindfucking surreal. Derealization big time.

Anyways. The one thing of two I have dread the most about this whole wedding process is Ed’s voice and the combat that would ensue.

And when would it come up?

Two times to be exact: 1) wedding dress shopping and 2) walking down the aisle.

I do not….not want all eyes on me. People judging me. The dress makes me look fatter. Oh you see her juggling arms? She looks like a whore because I can see cleavage. Omg double chin?!

Honestly going naked sounds so much more appealing than the whole dress trying on.

My hand was forced and before I knew it there I was on 2.5mg of a benzodiazepam totally experiencing derealization.

Everyone else cries and is ecstatic and is pumped for this day. I’ve put it off for months. I cried going in. There is no “real dress moment” for me because none will make me feel pretty enough to be a bride. Ed and Edie are already on that.

I feel so unworthy. I watch as a skinny ass butch near me tries on the exact same dress I had on and of course she looks good. She has no books or hips. It fits perfect. She’s just having a joyous occasion. I’m trying to not cry.

Bridal gown shopping is not meant for girls/women with body image disorders. Period. And this needs to be fixed Stat.

I left exhausted and hating myself. I can’t deal with the world.

Of course I’m pmsing at the same time.

Fuck being a bride. Can I go toga?

Where to Start?!

This is my return.

I’m overwhelmed with what to say. Like where to start.

There has been so many changes in my life over the past 7 months. I wanted to write as they happened. It helps me process and feel. Experience the moment as they say in DBT.

Thanks to fear and trying to protect my anonymity, I had to give time in-between some significant events so that I cannot be identified.

I have followed of you and am so proud of you. Your accomplishments and strides you are making. These struggles are so. Real.

I guess the first biggest struggle, which will be my first focus, is I completed, and graduated from the Trauma Therapy.

As in I had no choice they basically told me, in one month we are cutting you free because that’s the end goal. After 4 years of intensive therapy. To nothing.

Oooo plot twist?!

Cassie? 

Ok so I might have left y’all on quite a cliffhanger there… Seasonal anxiety has started what with this being the food months and all. And the whole starting a new therapist amidst wanting to die…

Let’s add a dash of continued work stressors, family drama, and other loss of control.

I had my first status asthmaticus [severe asthma attack]. Solid. Been super sick–the joys of malnutrition thanks to anorexia. Still dealing with the stress of my injuries.

Flew cross country to spend my first week ever with PC’s family on vacation. I was extremely stressed about this–would they accept me? Would I be good enough? All I want is to be part of a family and be accepted; to be appreciated. How was I going to go from barely 2 snacks and 1 “dinner” to eating meals in front of his observing family? Who, PS, are all thin like him and eat allll the time!

All in all the trip was amazing! We had a wonderful time and it was everything I have ever dreamed of in terms of acceptance from a partner’s family! Spent individual time with the parents, siblings, babies; even had double dates with the parents and the siblings! I felt at ease almost all the time except meals.

I did my cope ahead and tried to meal plan as best as I could. But the south is all meat based and a lot of fried foods. This is a stark contrast from California let me tell you!!

His family was also acutely aware and accommodating to my “vegetarianism” which made it harder for me to not eat and go unnoticed. I did, however, manage to skip breakfast every day to compensate.

I was constantly feeling sick. I had upgraded to 2 full normal people meals and 2 snacks with 1 dessert every day! Ick thinking back makes me sick again. My stomach wasn’t ready for that.

The only other significant thing has been therapy.

New style. I was nervous at first but when I thought about it, it made a lot of sense.

I am now in eating disorder and anxiety therapy that is trauma based.

Yes. Whaaaaaat?! Trauma?!

If you have read my about me page you would see one of my diagnoses is PTSD. Well, it seems it extends a lot further than realized. All the recurring nightmares and thoughts–reliving things triggered by people/words/events. That is what we are going to tackle.

The thought being, treat the trauma, break some of the anxiety which reduces a lot of the stress and anxiety responses which are tightly linked with my anorexia.

Right now we have been fine tuning my DBT skills so that they are “natural occurrence” when the trauma portion starts.

I will definitely blog through that.

Nervous but hoping it works. It’s been months since I’ve slept through the night. Work drama and stress is increasing the night terrors and nightmares. Poor PC. :[

And there I stand. Literally living hour to hour trying to survive. Hating many aspects but always looking for that rubbish silver lining.

Cassie is still around. She just shuts down when she is overwhelmed and there’s been too much new new.

And still fat because vicious cycle of not eating.

Is It A…Sign?

I believe in signs. No not like “Stop” signs or posters. I mean in signs from G-d, premonitions, omens, foretellings; that sort of thing.

Sometimes I’m oblivious to them and realize them after the fact.

Sometimes I think my therapists are going to classify me as another degree of psychosis because of them.

Well two weekends ago, my parents paid a visit to PC and I. The entire visit was my mother complaining and kvetching about my sister planning her wedding. Alllll wedding talk. Mind you, this sister [I have multiple and almost all are younger than me], is not even engaged yet but still planning her wedding.

So talk about awkward, drama, and stress! I was worried about PC feeling pressured! It turns out I felt more of the pressure!

A day or so later, somehow Disney weddings came up. Next thing I know, PC and I are talking about Disney weddings. Freaked me out!!

Fast forward like a week.

We decided to meet at a totally new and random British pub for dinner. While waiting, I was informed there would be pub quiz. Cool!

PC shows up and we are finishing our meal when the pub quiz theme is announced: weddings.

I had a panic attack.

It was too much!!

I’ve come to realize that in my life it was an unattainable dream. I accepted I would never be married. I’m slowly adjusting to the fact that it could happen with PC.

But all these signs and in such a short period of time?!? Too much!!

Then my sister calls to tell me she is officially engaged [yay for her–and yes the one who is actively planning her wedding]. So Andi has a ring on her finger. And it seems my parents are pissed it wasn’t me first?

The eldest of us fucked up here by cheating–she’s a waste of space and tg she’s adopted. No blood relation to that self centered whore. Now one of my younger sisters.

I don’t mention the others much because they are a lot younger and I’d rather keep them out of this. I raised them so they were more like my kids than my siblings I guess. Idk.

Anyways. Large family. Tons of drama. Wedding signs everywhere. And I’m just trying to cope with this step of living with my partner. I’m not ready for marriage. The thoughts have been giving me anxiety and panic!

I’m too fat to be in a gown and nowhere near my ideal so it just can’t happen.

So universe, take your signs back. They are too scary.

Then Life Happened. Again.

Of course life is always ongoing and happening. That isn’t what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about Life: the bitch that comes to you when you need a few seconds to fill your lungs with fresh air before being pulled back underwater and is the one that takes you back under with a forceful yank. Like Jaws status.

You: enjoying the ocean. Maybe laying on your back and relaxing. Maybe coming up for air. Maybe like me struggling to stay afloat and gasping for air.

Life: that mean friend you didn’t see dive underwater to grab your ankles and pull you down maybe for a quick dunk or for a full on jumps on top of your head and nearly breaks your neck move. Or in my case, Jaws who smelled my blood in the water and came to finish me off.

Ok ok I might have been dramatic there but it’s been a horrid week. I needed to run with my creativity.

Work is, well, ha. If you followed my saga last year I’m right back at that exact same point. Go team!

Physical health is a mixed bag yay! The anorexia is not so swimming. Thanks to the gynecology clinic last week! Shout out to gyn!

I went in and ended up having one of the worst experiences of my life. From receiving a phone call 3 hours prior telling me I was supposed to not have eaten anything or drank anything because I was having IV sedation [surprise!! I asked and asked and no one told me and I did not receive a preop call either], to being told that I had to have this procedure done before my IUD exchange–a lie.

But the real beauty? Society, and healthcare, is very insensitive. Very, very, insensitive.

So besides my chart saying my anxiety disorder and eating disorders on it, I guess there is no other way to explain or give an excuse of how someone did not know my history unless that are wanting a lawsuit for poor practice and bias.

Yes I am a fat anorexic.

My chart wouldn’t lie and it’s not YOUR PLACE TO JUDGE or challenge that especially as a healthcare provider!!

So when I went into the room and the medical assistant tried to force me onto the scale and I told her over and over again “I don’t do weights, I have anorexia, I asked and was told I wouldn’t need to otherwise we would have prepared for this” I was not prepared for her eye roll and attitude.

Or her threatening me saying they will just cancel me and schedule me in the surgery suits.

WHO DOES THAT?!?!

WORST CARE EVER! 

I was then left alone for 30 minutes in a panic attack.

The doctor came in and was mortified by the care I received. She confirmed what I knew: a weight was not needed.

She apologized and calmed me down. We did my surgery right there: removing a cyst on my labia.

She said she was going to talk to the team about their behavior and educate them on sensitivity to eating disorders and listening to patients.

That’s great and all but what about what I dealt with and how I have to go back?!

I have stitches in my vagina and it hurts so bad! Sitting, walking, standing; it’s alllll bad!!

And this happened right after my move.

So I decreased my fluids and food so I didn’t pee as much because well you should get it.

It still hurts. I feel so fat and the stitches remind me of it.

Then a few hours ago I found out it was a very rare benign tumor. So rare I had to call in favors to find out cancer statistics and recurrences.

Oh, also, cut off from seeing my therapist because my insurance group has deemed me as not needing coverage and has not covered any treatment for several months. Found that out yesterday.

Eating disorders: the deadliest psychological disorder and one of the least acknowledged ones–connection?

I have to wait till this is all smoothed out. It could be weeks.

And I potentially face a top fear of a scale next week pre IUD exchange. Sans support. IDK WTF I am gonna do or how to do it!!

Hi Life. I’m back to being fat and struggling on my own again.

Can’t keep going on like this.