Tag Archive | pain

Don’t Sabotage Yourself

You know that moment when you’re blindsided and everything falls apart?

Literally everything. You think you have a shaky grasp on certain aspects of your life. The things you should be able to control.

Poof it’s gone.

How did it happen? How did you get here?

No. Really. It’s about what will you do.




Sabotage. My natural instinct. Well fuck everything else has shattered. It’s only time till those last shards fall. Why not just sweep them away on my terms.

I should be able to control something.

Sabotage and its seductive voice. Calling to me.

They say good things come to those who wait. The tortoise beats the hare. The good always prosper. Good trumps evil. Every other cliche.

Well what the fyzk. I’m here waiting.

Because having anorexia wasn’t horrible enough. And anxiety. Several kinds. OCD behaviors. Oh PTSD. Invalidating environments throughout life [including now]. Chronic pain.

Suffering from those alone is enough to make some people kill themselves.

So why, why does life or G-d or insert deity of choice keep throwing shit my way?

The one thing I have left is PC and our wedding. The wedding [date] I had planned was just taken away from me today by today’s events.

Because working in my hostile environment with a bullying and harassing boss wasn’t enough I’m being forced to quit. I need insurance so marriage is not going to be when I wanted it. Loss. This equals me questioning my life and existence.

How could someone be allowed to exist like that? And why targeting me?

Clearly I’m not worthy. Of life or existence. Because I keep getting up and the shot trying to knock me down keeps getting worse.

I can’t have control over even one aspect of my life like my own. fucking. Wedding.

Let’s sabotage what’s left: PC.

Don’t. Sabotage.

They have won with everything else. They got your wedding. Job. Money. Soul. Health.

But they can’t have PC and your love.


Ed’s Voice in Pictures

Been saving some up so I had a nice little grouping. Just so people might understand the thoughts that slowly kill us.

Stomach Flu

Oh ya. I got it. And not the vomiting kind. The diarrhea kind.

And it hurt. So bad.

For 4 days I peed out my booty. Ya over share I get it. But it was horrible!!

All I kept thinking about was laxatives. Was this what it was like? The cramping? The same response?

I mean I could just feel skinnier.

Granted I was severely dehydrated. I could barely keep up and out of the hospital. The hell I was going in there!!

All I ate was small bits of bread and gatorade. For 6 days.

Everything went right through me. Including my psych meds. I started to hallucinate and become delusional!!

I better have lost some damn weight.

I mean I’m still having stomach cramping, gas, and bloating. It’s not all done yet. Rehydrating still.

My poor booty is still so raw.

Desitin baby booty cream is my best friend.

Happy Holidays. Santa gave me the stomach flu.

And even if I lost weight from this, I’m not sure all this pain was worth it. Maybe because I am still in pain I feel that way.

Ed’s voice obvi feels differently. Like bring on round two for 20 pounds!!!

SO conflicting. Stupid eating disorders. So damn torn!!

OITNB Wisdom: Pain & Suffering

Another beautiful moment. I cried with Pennsatucky because in my therapy this moment and first quote has really been emphasized.

Is it DBT? CBT? Who knows because it’s very real and amazing life advice.

If you can, I recommend googling for this clip because words cannot capture the raw emotion that was captured so well by the actresses. Truly depicts my turmoil.

Sidebar [and spoiler if you haven’t seen past Season 2], Pennsatucky was raped and this is a moment where she reflects on that pain, suffering, and forgiveness.

Pennsatucky: Do you know the difference between pain and suffering?

Big Boo: Oh I can’t wait to hear this…

Pennsatucky: Ya well you should hear because pain is something that … Pain is always there because Life is freakin painful ok? But suffering is a choice. 

And you my friend, it’s not my right to say, but you’re suffering! 

Forgiveness. You need to move on Boo.

I forgave him for me. And I think you are capable of doing something like that. 


This song has been a current favorite for about two months now. Really resonates.

It’s raw. The lyrics. The feeling. It’s me. It’s me vs Ed and Edie.

Always nice to find a song that validates myself.

Control- Halsey

They send me away to find them a fortune

A chest filled with diamonds and gold

The house was awake

With shadows and monsters

The hallways they echoed and groaned
I sat alone, in bed ’til the morning

I’m crying, “They’re coming for me”

And I tried to hold these secrets inside me

My mind’s like a deadly disease
I’m bigger than my body

I’m colder than this home

I’m meaner than my demons

I’m bigger than these bones
And all the kids cried out,

“Please stop, you’re scaring me”

I can’t help this awful energy

Goddamn right, you should be scared of me

Who is in control?
I paced around for hours, on empty

I jumped at the slightest of sounds

And I couldn’t stand the person inside me

I turned all the mirrors around
I’m bigger than my body

I’m colder than this home

I’m meaner than my demons

I’m bigger than these bones
And all the kids cried out,

“Please stop, you’re scaring me”

I can’t help this awful energy

Goddamn right, you should be scared of me

Who is in control?
I’m well acquainted

With villains that live in my bed

They beg me to write them

So they’ll never die when I’m dead
And I’ve grown familiar

With villains that live in my head

They beg me to write them

So I’ll never die when I’m dead
I’m bigger than my body

I’m colder than this home

I’m meaner than my demons

I’m bigger than these bones
And all the kids cried out,

“Please stop, you’re scaring me”

I can’t help this awful energy

Goddamn right, you should be scared of me

Who is in control?



Searing. Blinding. Grinding. Unlike anything I’ve experienced in awhile.

And all at once.

I can feel each. And. Every. Single. Vertebrae. In. My. Spine.

It is not like my usual muscle spasm. No. This is like, a bone spasm? No I know that’s not real but it feels it.

*     *     *    *

I have this whole goal in life to be on as little medications as I need to be to function. I want my body as clean but also I want to deal with my problems fixing the problem and creating my own solution. I do not just want a bandaid of medication unless absolutely necessary.

Needless to say, I have been relatively med free except for as needed medications [antibiotics rarely, muscle relaxant for back spasms once a year, tylenol] until the recent past.

So back in 2013 when I went on Zoloft and Ativan it was a very harsh mental coping process. Then come early 2014 I was switching to Lexapro because Zoloft was making me psychotic. I still had to adjust to the fact that I was on this medication.

By the end of 2014, I found myself on Lexapro, Ativan as needed, Allegra, Flonase, an inhaler Atrovent, Gabapentin, Topamax, and an infusion. I wanted to die. It was stressful!!

I had a severe allergic reaction to the flu shot that just wiped me and my body out. It caused systemic responses and severe facial pain that can be found in earlier posts.

I had tried Gabapentin but I was so high from it that I was nonfunctional. And no it was not a good high. I had serious side effects. All to deal with severe unexplainable facial pain. Facial pain that prevented me from eating.

Then came the infusion to help bide time while titrating down on Gabapentin and on to Topamax. All I knew was I wanted off of Gaba.

Things evened out with Topamax and I went down to 600mg of Gabapentin at nighttime. I was scared to come off of it since everything was working and I was fearful of the debilitating facial pain.

But the past few months I was back on my goal of fewest meds as possible and Gabapentin is no joke! I wanted it out of my system! That office threatened to stop all my meds unless I came in so I took it as a sign to go in and stop the Gabapentin once and for all.

This week was titration down week. 600mg is really nothing: 2pills. I know I’m a light weight and I’ve been on it for a while so this can mean longer titration process. But I figured no issues. That doctor warned me to be fully off on a weekend because I would “feel off” and “weird” which I took as high. [He told me a total of one week for the process.]

Here I am and it’s anything but. Maybe I titrated too fast. I’m having withdrawal symptoms. No pills as of Friday and yesterday started my severe nausea, hypersensitivity to scents, and what I call seizure lite. Since this all started I’ve had serious dizziness, anxiety, headaches–things I can tough out with Ativan and mental spirit. But the confusion, near fainting, and today’s new onset of severe back pain? How the hell can I do this?!

Has the Gabapentin been masking serious back pain this whole time?!?! I mean this is serious bone pain that my current high doses of ibuprofen for my shoulder and ankle is not even touching!! I can’t focus! I can’t sit still! I can’t hold back my whimpers!!

PC was amazing at giving a back massage which helped but am I going to need this daily?!?! For how long??

I’m still coping with my injuries from my fall in the shower 7weeks ago. This is too much.