Ok so I might have left y’all on quite a cliffhanger there… Seasonal anxiety has started what with this being the food months and all. And the whole starting a new therapist amidst wanting to die…
Let’s add a dash of continued work stressors, family drama, and other loss of control.
I had my first status asthmaticus [severe asthma attack]. Solid. Been super sick–the joys of malnutrition thanks to anorexia. Still dealing with the stress of my injuries.
Flew cross country to spend my first week ever with PC’s family on vacation. I was extremely stressed about this–would they accept me? Would I be good enough? All I want is to be part of a family and be accepted; to be appreciated. How was I going to go from barely 2 snacks and 1 “dinner” to eating meals in front of his observing family? Who, PS, are all thin like him and eat allll the time!
All in all the trip was amazing! We had a wonderful time and it was everything I have ever dreamed of in terms of acceptance from a partner’s family! Spent individual time with the parents, siblings, babies; even had double dates with the parents and the siblings! I felt at ease almost all the time except meals.
I did my cope ahead and tried to meal plan as best as I could. But the south is all meat based and a lot of fried foods. This is a stark contrast from California let me tell you!!
His family was also acutely aware and accommodating to my “vegetarianism” which made it harder for me to not eat and go unnoticed. I did, however, manage to skip breakfast every day to compensate.
I was constantly feeling sick. I had upgraded to 2 full normal people meals and 2 snacks with 1 dessert every day! Ick thinking back makes me sick again. My stomach wasn’t ready for that.
The only other significant thing has been therapy.
New style. I was nervous at first but when I thought about it, it made a lot of sense.
I am now in eating disorder and anxiety therapy that is trauma based.
Yes. Whaaaaaat?! Trauma?!
If you have read my about me page you would see one of my diagnoses is PTSD. Well, it seems it extends a lot further than realized. All the recurring nightmares and thoughts–reliving things triggered by people/words/events. That is what we are going to tackle.
The thought being, treat the trauma, break some of the anxiety which reduces a lot of the stress and anxiety responses which are tightly linked with my anorexia.
Right now we have been fine tuning my DBT skills so that they are “natural occurrence” when the trauma portion starts.
I will definitely blog through that.
Nervous but hoping it works. It’s been months since I’ve slept through the night. Work drama and stress is increasing the night terrors and nightmares. Poor PC. :[
And there I stand. Literally living hour to hour trying to survive. Hating many aspects but always looking for that rubbish silver lining.
Cassie is still around. She just shuts down when she is overwhelmed and there’s been too much new new.
And still fat because vicious cycle of not eating.
Ok let me start off with I’ve been channeling my OCD behaviors into Bullet Journal ing. I love it and it’s helpful for me. It’s cathartic. It gets crap out of my head. It shuts out Ed and Edie’s voices for a bit.
Naturally, I’m on Pinterest looking for things to “bujo” as us lazy I mean cool kids say.
I stumbled on these. They are so going in. An excellent reminder [for me minus the prayer part but insert mindfulness].
I’m guilty of a lot of these. Helps me identify. Are you?
Everything was so slow up until the actual intake. Panic attacks happened. My anxiety just blossomed into full on panic.
I was fearful that this was my last attempt at help. What if it didn’t work out? What if there is nothing wrong with me? What if it truly is all in my head? What if I’m too fucked up for her to help me?
I didn’t take any Ativan because I needed her to see me in the raw state–me at my worst. That is the whole point of this I take interview. It sucked going at it that way.
Leaving work early also was not fun. I still have fear that there was gossip about why I left early. All that nasty whispering that has been going on.
When I arrived to the clinic, during check in, another patient had seizures. So, naturally, I stepped in to assist. I don’t think the clinic handle them well, but now I’m all jacked up on adrenaline and panic juices. Fab combo.
Of course my new therapist is cute. Tiny, petite. I swear it’s like a requirement.
She has a close relationship with Cherry which makes me ecstatic. They talked about me which to most people is upsetting. To me it’s a relief. Cherry is a Cassie expert. Cherry can and will be an excellent resource as needed. Cherry was apparently proud of me for telling my boss about my struggle with anorexia. I’m still not sure if I regret that or not, but it felt wonderful to hear that from Cherry.
I had to take 3 assessment quizzes. One stated I was depressed. I said the last month it’s hard not to be when I’ve been bullied at work and home and I am unable to exercise because of my fall. I still don’t think I’m depressed–anxiety filled for sure!!
Then I had to do the usual in depth questionnaire that I hate.
Purging habits. Restricting habits. Explanations of how I truly have no desire to eat. My earliest memories of dieting desires and compulsions were 5th grade. My need to not eat was as early as 6 or 7 years old; yes I’m a lifer anorexic. I really hate food.
Then the conversation about how I’ve started to get the baby belly back again because I haven’t been eating so I’m agitated. That I’m having confusion and excessive sleepiness and it’s because I get out of meals and don’t eat not depression. But forcing to eat sucks. But I need to to lose weight.
Vicious fucking cycle.
She is tabling the idea of me working with a dietician. Ummm I will fight that. None of that.
After two hours, all I kept thinking, and still think, is I am not that sick. I don’t have a problem. When she asked about how many breakfasts/snacks/lunches/snacks/dinners I have eaten in the last 30 days, I just felt really fat. Like too many. And way too many to qualify.
But she wants to see me effective immediately. Definitely once a week minimum. She thinks maybe twice but she knows how hard it was to get once a week off for work.
She proceeded to give me a pamphlet of the labs she wants completed with my doctor as well. So while I still feel like a huge fake, it seems I’ve triggered something to indicate further and closer follow up.
It’s a relief in a way because now I can stop fighting on my own. I have someone on my team and someone who can validate me and my experiences.
Be thankful if you have friends and family who support you in your recovery. Some of us would kill for that. It’s part of what’s killing me.
My parents today told me I’m too fat that I’ll never be able to fit into a certain size. They also constantly tell me that PC must be grossed out seeing me naked. Both of my parents are more overweight than I am.
Glad to have someone remind me that what they say is not ok. Because Ed’s voice still latches on. And I’ve been crying all day over this.
Alright here comes some brutal honesty. It ain’t pretty. Bear with it because by the end you might see my excitement. Small steps. Ya feel me?
I suffer a bajillion things. Maybe even a bajillion and one. And that in itself is beyond overwhelming.
I have been fighting to live for months, shit, years now. My anorexia/anxiety are so tightly intertwined it is hard to deal with one without the other making recovery a long and slow process. Besides the fact that I’m a lifer.
Well last week I posted how I have paused/temporarily given up seeking out help because I have fought and lost all the energy from fighting to get help.
All that fighting, all the anxiety, all of it has taken a toll. A toll I am ashamed of but I struggle to fight.
I have mentioned this before but sometimes my anxiety can be so overwhelming I can barely do my basic ADLs–activities of daily living. These are partially fueled by adds voice because this change in routine keeps me from eating.
But these leave me, um, disgusting.
I don’t brush my teeth. When it gets unbearable I wipe them down with a towel. Why not just brush? It’s so simple and easy Cassie!!! Ahh yes. But you see, brushing implies I ate and eating is bad and Ed’s voice fills me with more shame and doubt. So, no brushing. Plus it’s energy.
I shower once a week, twice tops.
I always plan to shower every other day [my normal because of my eczema and seborrhea dermatitis]. But then I wake up and I feel this utter sense of panic and overwhelm I can’t handle. It’s easier to keep my hair in a ponytail than anything else. Which makes me mad because the point of me growing my hair out was so I could actually do my hair. And I want to. But the anxiety is overwhelming. So I avoid life and my thoughts and just sleep.
Sleep is an escape from reality. Period.
Ya I sleep a lot more because I am drained. Like I have been training for the Olympics drained. So not only do I avoid eating and reality, I escape myself and my thoughts. It’s when my brain is generally turned off.
All I want to do is go back to doing my hair, wearing makeup, taking joy in choosing that. But I haven’t because anxiety has me bogged down and anorexia has me fighting myself thanks to all my injuries and lack of ability to exercise.
So tonight was a huge accomplishment.
I dragged my anxious and tired ass into my bathroom. I prepared my nasal sinus rinse [which I dread because it always makes me vomit and gag even though my sinuses feel better after]. I rinsed those sinuses. I vomitted once [a new record!!]. Which forced me to clean my face. I washed my face. Put lotion on. Then put my eczema nonmedicated lotion on. Then some acne cream. I took my nighttime meds and crawled into bed.
And I feel so damn proud of myself!!
It took a lot to force myself to do it. It felt great after. But for those of us who suffer from anxiety and depression, everyday tasks can be like learning how all over again–but worse because you know you are capable of it.
You feel like you are trying to run through waist deep molasses. Your brain knows and your body is forcing forward, yet you get nowhere.
I am feeling elated. High as a kite! I just had a victory!
Maybe tomorrow I can actually go crazy and paint my nails or take a shower.
Anyone else out there–ya feel me?!??
I am excited to share that I have found a bunch of awesome list challenges that I will begin! Of course my impulse is to do them all and do them all right now.
But I will pace them out. I found some fun ones [movies, music, etc.] as well as self discovery ones.
As usual, I invite any and every person to participate to the degree of comfort that helps them grow as a person. :]
I am saddened that up until about two months ago my feed was filled with new posts frequently and right now it is dead. I’m not sure where everyone went.
I will try and inspire because I am fighting here and I am hoping this will motivate me to stay on track! I have strong compulsions to complete what I start so this will get my butt to blog but then hopefully blog it out and be honest about all my struggles.
I really need to stop shutting down.