I’m barely holding on.
People are so jacked and cruel in this world. This is literally holding me together.
Well it’s just how it feels.
And will keep feeling as long as I’m in my invalidating and toxic work environment.
Funny how I flit from one toxicity to the next.
I tried to leave for the better to only end up worse. Ya, it was possible. At least here I’m not throwing up and crying before shifts. Maybe because I’m so numb?
Well, needless to say, by chance of miracles or what, I landed an interview recently.
I feel like it was due in part to a favor to my mother but I’m grateful nonetheless! For it was an interview in a position I’m trained for.
I nailed the phone interview. Felt rock solid. And I usually rock interviews. Never have had an issue.
I always get the offer in the end….it’s just the whole wait for a contract that was promised and it never come.
Well, the timing of this couldn’t be better. Everything is spiraling at work and no amount of DBT skills can salvage.
Yet when I had the interview, face to face, I just feel like I failed. Like I was throwing fails around by fistfuls out of my pockets.
My answers were not as solid as I usually have them. I couldn’t focus it.
I couldn’t sell myself.
“Your resume is very impressive, seriously, but I see here you were licensed in xx so how come you have not held a job [using said license]”
OK too complex to get into it on here without giving away a lot of identifiers… But just know this… No it is not me. Basically society fucking sucks and so does the economy. My resume would make you vomit because it’s so impressive.
But I sacrificed everything and couldn’t get the job because I wclearly as the wrong place wrong time. And in some cases, had some employers tell me I was too fat [while they had 100lbs on me] yes it’s illegal but California gets away with a looooot of shit mang.
I also had to keep working to pay, you know, bills? I have never had anyone to take care of me like that. But California apparently expected that. It’s ridiculous. It’s ludicrous.
Thus my job intimidated others because they thought I’d be bored….
Why doesn’t anyone ask me?!
Wellllll here I sit. I had to delicately and politely answer the question. With couth. Head held high as I was yet again reminded of allll the times I was never good enough.
I walked out just knowing that when I needed something the most, again, I failed. I can’t have it.
And all because someone does not believe in me.
Stay tuned I have not been officially rejected it’s just how I’m feeling. Don’t want to get my hopes up because I would be beyond devastated to lose it again.
I did online dating. And this really does exist. Men are entitled. They think they deserve to have this skinny perfectly shaped Barbie. While they themselves are beyond flawed.
At least that is how it persists in the area I live in. It sucks to be a woman.
But that is besides the point.
How, as someone with an eating disorder, as someone who is trying and fighting every damn day to love themselves, are you supposed to take this?
I know I am not the only woman out there who has dealt with this.
Please share your stories so I can empower you.
Because I have horror stories, too.
Some caused relapse. Some caused sex binges because they were triggering.
I saw this awesome project on Pinterest. It involves a mini 3 drawer system in which you organize things. In this project, you organize your coloring things.
I LOVE coloring! It is my zen. My go to self healing self care thing.
It also is an OCD thing. Arranging my coloring utensil of choice by color. Coloring in the lines. You get the point.
This project requires one to put all crayons in one drawer, all colored pencils in another drawer, and all markers in the third drawer.
Sooo simple right?
I like my crayons to go back in the exact spot they came from. No one is allowed to use my box of crayons because they might use them wrong. I own 6 boxes of the same type of crayons [1 for sharing] so that I have backup if anything goes wrong. They are to be used a certain way.
Yes you are thinking, dayam Cassie is crazy. I am thinking, I have control and it is perfect and how I left it… Exactly how I left it and will be the way I left it.
With the little I have ever had control of in my life, it is this I have come to rely on.
Was my OCD behavior bred? It is possible. My invalidating environment definitely fostered the behaviors.
Tonight I did it. I bit that crazy hard bullet. I mixed 3 boxes of crayons: 2-24 packs and 1-64 pack in one drawer. 2 boxes of colored pencils in a second drawer. 2 boxes of fine tip markers and 1 box of regular markers in the third drawer. They have all been mixed.
It looks so organized! I can easily access my coloring now and color more. I might actually use them now!
I mean I have to because they are all cross contaminated by each other. They can’t go back into their original boxes… No way of knowing now…And they cannot be mixed because that is just wrong to put them with someone that is not their crayon family…. they belong together!
Omg wtf have I done……
I am glad I am lying down. I was so proud of myself for the past hour. Now I have a headache and this is almost too much to bear.
Bite size pieces to process….
I have been so stressed out!!
I had a major recertification that is beyond complicated to achieve.
I received the materials to prep around the time I had the stomach flu. That’s the amount of time needed to prep–a month. But I couldn’t because, well, I was extremely sick. Shit I still have gastritis! Add to that this never ending work stress!
I received a lot of hassle and grief for taking the two days off for the recertification course! Um…. Hello yall do stuff for your licenses so yall know! It’s a convenience to them when I am and am not a nurse. Cassie don’t play those games…..
Well needless to say I thought, knew, I was going to fail due to my lack of prep time. Coming home exhausted after work didn’t help.
Thanks to a miracle, I passed! Better yet, I passed the written on the first time! [First time I took it I failed the written and had to retake the written portion–only passed my skills practicum].
I was shocked! I was ecstatic! Not that I am not smart and capable, but everything was stacked against me!
I was high this weekend….sailing. A huge weight was off my shoulders. Confidence renewed.
Went into work like, “I can tolerate this because I am worthy even if they don’t recognize or appreciate me.”
And then the email came.
Our institution is terminating people. Out of the blue. No one knows who or why. Well why is “budget” but you don’t know if your job is safe. They are eliminating positions. More like the rationale of the positions cut.
I’m scared and anxious.
No one knows and tomorrow is D-day. It is a week long thing.
Will I ever get to live outside of crisis mode?!?! I mean this is not for lack of trying!!
Fuck you life. Just. Fuck. You!!!!!!!!
I may have mentioned this before but I am obsessed with making lists. Especially when I am anxious, stressed out, hypo manic, and/or Ed’s voice is in control. It is one of my OCD behavior ticks.
Well, sometime back, like several years ago, I made a specific list. This list is abkut things I want to do when I am, well, skinny again. Like the perks of having lost my weight.
Now remember, with my anorexia, when I don’t eat I gain weight. So this list while also very unhealthy has perks to try and motivate me to eat to lose weight.
SO I thought.
I found it making me stressed and depressed.
It was putting undue pressure on me.
Why hadn’t I completed more of these tasks?! Why were so few checked off?! What’s wrong with me??!!
Tonight, just now, I decided to delete this list. It will no longer be on my phone with me wherever I go. I can no longer access it 24/7 and obsess over it. No longer striving for perfection and stressing myself out.
2017 I need to be healthier.
And deleting this list? Well, it’s freeing me.
Below is some excerpts of the list to give you an example of my expectations of what I was going to accomplish. These are all things I have done but was trying to get back to again.
✨Things I Want to Do✨
[These are some examples of dates–I updated my list with ideas or completions]
3/17/14; 7/24/14; 12/18/14; 2/3/15; 6/3/15; 8/13/15; 5/8/16
• wear miniskirt with boots with fur
• wear visible belly rings
• wear bikini
• dance ✔️ 7/1/2014
• wear size 13 pants, maybe 11
• cut my hair short ✔️
• do the scorpion
• lay out and tan
• go swimming
• take pictures
• get things for free
• be noticed
• round off
• strut like a *high school easy girl*: turn heads, get whatever I want, and free
• eat whatever I want without feeling self conscious, guilty, judged, or fat
• eat wherever I want
• not feel guilty if any abdominal skin shows (eg when shirt rides up)
• go to the gym and not be self conscious
• go to the gym by myself because I can moderate myself
• have my clavicles visible again
**took a dark turn around here**