Ed’s voice has been in my face a lot lately. Granted I’ve had a lot more challenges so Ed can dominate. But I’m trying to find ways, mainly external cues for external validation, to fight Ed’s voice.
And I’ve found some.
Meet my new favorite products!
Sold at Target in a set. These brushes remind me that I should stop trying to hide myself with makeup.
These pads of paper are designed by the brand Knock Knock. They make amazing little books that you fill in with reasons why someone is amazing or reasons you love someone. This was a tool that helped me in the beginning of recovery. Now these are helping me when I’m overwhelmed, stressed, OCD compulsed, or need visuals. The two in the back row are even perforated! I bought all of them on Amazon.
Ya she was exactly as expected today. Over the top dramatic. Can’t deal!! Always trying to micromanage me because she can’t do her own job. Drives me APE!! Code here. Trauma pager goes off. Not doing her job. Has to call me to tell me what to do. Bitch I did my ish, do YOURS!! Get off your personal phone trying to sound self important!! Cause even your family is telling you off! GUH!
So I have been busy on Pinterest reorganizing and sorting out into new pin boards. Trying to stay zen. PLUR.
Reading was not going to be an option. Ativan would have put me to sleep or let my mouth become too loose.
I literally felt my head become like last night’s dream state and it was the victim mindset. Not. Good.
But right now I am upset with myself.
I forgot a change of clothes to get out of scrubs. I am headed to see PC. And only have scrubs. So all my mental preparations for food is gone. I just forgot the change of clothes in my panic of dealing with bitch this AM.
Then I got in the car and realized I had no fucking gas. And I have to definitely get gas before seeing PC. Fabulous.
Now I have to figure out where to get gas that isn’t my usual gas stations. Add time to delaying me seeing PC. Less time with him. I seriously fucked myself over! I did this to myself! So upset. So frustrated.
Can’t win with myself today. Trying to make myself happy the bad situation I am in right now. Then realizing how I screw myself just lets myself down. I failed myself when I need it the most; when I need me the most.