Tag Archive | shutting down

Don’t Sabotage Yourself

You know that moment when you’re blindsided and everything falls apart?

Literally everything. You think you have a shaky grasp on certain aspects of your life. The things you should be able to control.

Poof it’s gone.

How did it happen? How did you get here?

No. Really. It’s about what will you do.

Now.

Sabotage.

Sabotage.

Sabotage. My natural instinct. Well fuck everything else has shattered. It’s only time till those last shards fall. Why not just sweep them away on my terms.

I should be able to control something.

Sabotage and its seductive voice. Calling to me.

They say good things come to those who wait. The tortoise beats the hare. The good always prosper. Good trumps evil. Every other cliche.

Well what the fyzk. I’m here waiting.

Because having anorexia wasn’t horrible enough. And anxiety. Several kinds. OCD behaviors. Oh PTSD. Invalidating environments throughout life [including now]. Chronic pain.

Suffering from those alone is enough to make some people kill themselves.

So why, why does life or G-d or insert deity of choice keep throwing shit my way?

The one thing I have left is PC and our wedding. The wedding [date] I had planned was just taken away from me today by today’s events.

Because working in my hostile environment with a bullying and harassing boss wasn’t enough I’m being forced to quit. I need insurance so marriage is not going to be when I wanted it. Loss. This equals me questioning my life and existence.

How could someone be allowed to exist like that? And why targeting me?

Clearly I’m not worthy. Of life or existence. Because I keep getting up and the shot trying to knock me down keeps getting worse.

I can’t have control over even one aspect of my life like my own. fucking. Wedding.

Let’s sabotage what’s left: PC.

Don’t. Sabotage.

They have won with everything else. They got your wedding. Job. Money. Soul. Health.

But they can’t have PC and your love.

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For One Night…

… Let’s pretend to be normal.

Anything but what we are.

Moving Saga: Unpacking

Moving has been beyond overwhelming. It is just so much.

The adjustment to my new place. The new routine. The new location of everything.

Oh the new location of everything!! My OCD “behaviors” are going out of control. Things aren’t in “their places” and it is so overwhelming it has me shutting down.

I’m also feeling extremely fat. Pretty sure I’m gaining weight. Like it is yoyo ing.

I’ve forced myself with 3ish meals almost consistently for like a weekish now and it’s making me physically/emotionally/psychologically exhausted.

And it also encourages the fat thoughts and reinforces them.

I also feel like I was consistent so why hasn’t the weight just fallen off now?! Come oooon!!

Time is so warped.

I’m taking it all in bite sized pieces. Unpacking the few boxes I have left similarly to how I packed: “20 minutes”–honestly it ends up being like two hours.

I’m at a standstill because things are still broken in the place preventing me from moving and unloading certain boxes which then blocks other furniture…

I had a goal of having everything unpacked within a week of moving in. I was doing so well. Then life happened [see next post]. As always.

And now PC is moving in with all his stuff which is wayyyy more than mine.

I’m beyond overwhelmed.

I’m shutting down.

I needed a week off for the move.

Adventures with the New Therapist

Let’s just say it’s safe to say that I’m not on the same plane as my new therapist.

I did dive in thinking it would go a lot like Cherry. That is my own fault for expectations.

But I swear this new one keeps seeing eating disorder.

She don’t knooooow meeee. So she’s coming at my eating disorder and trying to help me with absolutely NO clue to what is happening.

This is another relapse, yes. You have notes to reference, yes. Your concern is my health, yes.minget it!!!

But how compliant am I going to be if you keep pushing me without listening to me?

Well it turns out not very.

PC and I have had some significant arguments these past few weeks. Mainly because I feel like I’m not being heard.

Ya he really isn’t listening to me, but it’s worse when my therapist is not either.

One of these two needs to. I can’t have them both steamrolling me. I lose my words.

And I’m already at a loss. This fucking RSV has messed with my memory!! I don’t think it’s the meds…I think it’s the virus itself. I have lost my short term memory.

Could it be from stress and anxiety? Oh I’ve been weighing that because I have been just run down at work–attacked from all angles. But that’s a different feeling.

So today I was pushed and pushed by the newb. I shut down. And our session ended early. Cool.

I’m tired of her invalidating that my life is shit. No, not everyone has shitty lives or gets shit on as much as I do. I am always looking for positives even as I’m being beaten down.

But she doesn’t get it and it almost seems like she won’t get it.

So it almost seems like it’s time to do what us anorexics and other disordered eating people do best: lie.

Ya I’m fine. Ya I’m eating. Ya it’s all going well. It’s wonderful.

I don’t want to talk about food yet she doesn’t seem to get that.

Can only be pushed so much.

Challenge Accepted!

I am excited to share that I have found a bunch of awesome list challenges that I will begin! Of course my impulse is to do them all and do them all right now

But I will pace them out. I found some fun ones [movies, music, etc.] as well as self discovery ones. 

As usual, I invite any and every person to participate to the degree of comfort that helps them grow as a person. :]

I am saddened that up until about two months ago my feed was filled with new posts frequently and right now it is dead. I’m not sure where everyone went. :/

I will try and inspire because I am fighting here and I am hoping this will motivate me to stay on track! I have strong compulsions to complete what I start so this will get my butt to blog but then hopefully blog it out and be honest about all my struggles.

I really need to stop shutting down.

Shutting Down

I am.

I am having the cravings to get drunk again. I am house sitting this weekend so maybe I will. Just…escape.

No one notices me losing myself. Getting lost in it all.

Suck it up, Cassie. Don’t let them see you falter. That’s what they have been telling me.

Tonight PC told me he is tired of how all our phone conversations lately [literally the past week] have ended up negative.

He kept saying he felt like I was hiding things and wanted me to open up more. So I did.

My life is fucked up. It’s everything but sunshine and daisies.

I choose to be positive because if I focused on reality and its negativity well I’d have fucking really killed myself back in high school.

So I’m in the middle of a horrific situation with work; very toxic. Very invalidating, very bullying. I have been puking and crying every day for two weeks now.

Then I’m at home with my usual invalidation of family.

Just can’t escape it. There on all fronts.

So excuuuuse me for not wanting to be fake and hide everything from my boyfriend who complains that I do.

Man I am such a bitch.

Not really sure what to do.

Two fucks aren’t given towards me right now.

“Everyone has their problems” and while I sacrificed myself for everyone else and their problems, no one seems to care to ask if I’m ok with my crisis. They all disappeared.

Cockroaches when the lights come on.

Should have known better.

So ya. I am shutting down. And maybe I will drown my problems in alcohol.

I deserve an escape from my life. It’s beyond fucked up. Can’t make my life up or the shit I see and experience.

A toast: to what is probably the beginning of the end of my relationship with PC, to escaping me for a little bit, to being able to shut down, to being selfish and focusing on me.

I can’t win anyways.