Tag Archive | skills

Never In My Life Thought I Would

**eating disorder trigger warning**

Well. We all have those things that we would never ever do. Like maybe never ever eat escargot because it is a snail. Or go skydiving. Whatever your jam us.

Mine is I will never purge via any method except exercise.

I know the medical ramifications of laxatives. And I hate the intestinal cramps and diarrhea. Same with vomiting. I also hate hate hate throwing up. Flu season and I yuck.

Well. So I thought.

Maybe it was the combination of factors. Maybe Ed’s voice is so loud that I can’t distinguish anymore. Maybe stress has gotten to me.

Between starting my new job [which is awesome and super easy and chill], the 24/7 medical care of PC after his surgery a few weeks ago [that has beyond gotten to me], and today’s family drama related to wedding prep added to I am tired…I guess I cracked.

I took my wedding dress in for alterations earlier this week. I was scared to death. Like extremely fearful. I was convinced it would not fit because I was too fat.

I put it on…and it was loose!! I lost weight!! I was utterly shocked!! It goes to show you that my anorexia recovery of actually eating helps me to lose weight. I mean I lost so much weight the dress was a size too big I was startled.

But then she fit it tight on me. And there is Ed popping up telling me to freak out because in a few months I will not fit into it! And Edie is like girl just keep eating and we will lose soooo much weight!

Today I come home from work and I have a ton of To Dos on my list it’s overwhelming. But I always manage to get it done. Not too worried I guess.

PC and I had a fight because well his family is rude and presumptuous. And they yelled at him and he tried to roll over. Uh no.

I ate. Food. It’s probably a normal portion to people. But to me and my stomach it was maaaaassive! It was technically the largest meal I’ve had in a few weeks.

I tried all my CBT and DBT skills. But the stomach pains were too severe. I was nauseated and my heart was besting extremely fast.

There I found myself. Over my bathroom sink.

You can do it, Cassie. A finger down the throat. You know where to go anatomically. You get the urge all the time…that feeling. Maybe PC will hear you and realize you really are not OK. That your eating disorder is bad. But after you evacuate like 20oz [the milkshake and something else].

The milkshake will make it smooth. It won’t burn. You won’t feel it. The acid is neutralized.

All Ed. This was all Ed’s voice I realize now.

I sat there for a few minutes looking down at my porcelain sink while my multicolored night light flashed between colors. Battling.

Then I did what I thought I would never ever do in my life. My right index finger made contact with my throat.

What’s disturbing, to me, is the relief it did bring. It didn’t hurt. Because you literally open the valve it all comes up and your chest muscles are not crunching like in the flu. It was disturbingly a smooth action. Granted I bit myself and the I know the signs are on my hand now.

It relelieved that awful pain I felt in my stomach.

This was not a calorie fear. Or a I’m going to be a fat fear. At least not that I could identify. I truly physically hurt in my stomach.

And that relief from evacuation!

I get it now.

Then after a few more times, I realized the not so pretty side effects. No one tells you that when this happens you pee yourself a little. Thanks for that heads up!!

It was so surreal. Pure derealization. Did not feel real at all. That’s why I had to blog right away. Because I would never believe it if someone told me I did it. I needed proof.

I think I’m still there. I’m watching myself because it’s not me who did it but me. Derealization.

OH fuck I think I just puked up my meds.

I didn’t see them….

Moral here is never say never ever.

Advertisements

For One Night…

… Let’s pretend to be normal.

Anything but what we are.

A Pocket Full of Fails

Well it’s just how it feels.

And will keep feeling as long as I’m in my invalidating and toxic work environment.

Funny how I flit from one toxicity to the next.

I tried to leave for the better to only end up worse. Ya, it was possible. At least here I’m not throwing up and crying before shifts. Maybe because I’m so numb?

Well, needless to say, by chance of miracles or what, I landed an interview recently.

I feel like it was due in part to a favor to my mother but I’m grateful nonetheless! For it was an interview in a position I’m trained for.

I nailed the phone interview. Felt rock solid. And I usually rock interviews. Never have had an issue.

I always get the offer in the end….it’s just the whole wait for a contract that was promised and it never come.

Well, the timing of this couldn’t be better. Everything is spiraling at work and no amount of DBT skills can salvage.

Yet when I had the interview, face to face, I just feel like I failed. Like I was throwing fails around by fistfuls out of my pockets.

My answers were not as solid as I usually have them. I couldn’t focus it.

I couldn’t sell myself.

Especially when:

“Your resume is very impressive, seriously, but I see here you were licensed in xx so how come you have not held a job [using said license]”

OK too complex to get into it on here without giving away a lot of identifiers… But just know this… No it is not me. Basically society fucking sucks and so does the economy. My resume would make you vomit because it’s so impressive.

But I sacrificed everything and couldn’t get the job because I wclearly as the wrong place wrong time. And in some cases, had some employers tell me I was too fat [while they had 100lbs on me] yes it’s illegal but California gets away with a looooot of shit mang.

I also had to keep working to pay, you know, bills? I have never had anyone to take care of me like that. But California apparently expected that.  It’s ridiculous. It’s ludicrous.

Thus my job intimidated others because they thought I’d be bored….

Why doesn’t anyone ask me?!

Wellllll here I sit. I had to delicately and politely answer the question. With couth. Head held high as I was yet again reminded of allll the times I was never good enough.

I walked out just knowing that when I needed something the most, again, I failed. I can’t have it.

And all because someone does not believe in me.

Again.

Stay tuned I have not been officially rejected it’s just how I’m feeling. Don’t want to get my hopes up because I would be beyond devastated to lose it again.

DBT Skills: Coping Bullet Journal

Ok let me start off with I’ve been channeling my OCD behaviors into Bullet Journal ing. I love it and it’s helpful for me. It’s cathartic. It gets crap out of my head. It shuts out Ed and Edie’s voices for a bit. 

Naturally, I’m on Pinterest looking for things to “bujo” as us lazy I mean cool kids say. 

I stumbled on these. They are so going in. An excellent reminder [for me minus the prayer part but insert mindfulness].

I’m guilty of a lot of these. Helps me identify. Are you?

DBT: PLEASE Skills

Ok I keep referencing back to these skills, the PLEASE Skills, so here is some pictures of them. They are the root foundation of your needs for all to be in balance. If your PLEASE needs are met than all is fine. If one is off,mother it is very difficult to deal with your mental/behavioral health issue. 

I thought it was crap at first. Then I realized how significant lack of sleep can impact me. It can trigger mania in me. 

If you have questions or would like more information, please reach out!
  

DBT: Half-Smile Skill

While, delayed, here is the post on Half-Smile Skill.

An amazing and simple trick that will turn things around quickly!! 

While on Pinterest, I found this link to this blog about the skill. They did an awesome job describing it. Check out the full article here DBT Decoded: Half-Smile.

I took a screenshot of the text I thought would be helpful.

  
I hope this is helpful! Please let me know if there are any questions! I can then go to my books and pull my information out.