I’m barely holding on.
People are so jacked and cruel in this world. This is literally holding me together.
I did online dating. And this really does exist. Men are entitled. They think they deserve to have this skinny perfectly shaped Barbie. While they themselves are beyond flawed.
At least that is how it persists in the area I live in. It sucks to be a woman.
But that is besides the point.
How, as someone with an eating disorder, as someone who is trying and fighting every damn day to love themselves, are you supposed to take this?
I know I am not the only woman out there who has dealt with this.
Please share your stories so I can empower you.
Because I have horror stories, too.
Some caused relapse. Some caused sex binges because they were triggering.
It’s been a long and crappy week.
In addition to the birthday drama [see previous post if you want to even trek that], I have been enjoying panic attacks daily.
Earlier this week, I was enjoying multiple full blown panic attacks a day. But I can’t use my emergency drug because it would relax me and unleash the sadness of my birthday that is pent up. Fun, right?
So what has me bouncing and generating new stomach ulcers?
I harness strong feelings on it that I just won’t even publish. But what should be known is I feel like if you are diagnosed with any form of panic disorder, you should automatically be dismissed.
I’ve been vomitting from this!! It’s horrible!!
These games and lack of control! I can’t even control my life as is and they do this?!
It’s always: call back between 11 and 12 noon. Then I vomit and have tunnel vision panic attacks. Then they tell me to call back after 5pm. Where I just panic and call. To be told to call the next day between 11 and 12 noon….
You have 1 hour to report. It’s impractical. And while on telephone standby, you’re not excused from work. ?!?!?!? Just anxiety provoking!!! <—ulcers
Add to this my boss who had her own page if attack because she’s pressured me that I can’t get jury duty or be activated. Xx like I chose this!!! Let’s add stress!! <—ulcers
Tears. Ulcers. Stress. Vomit. Headaches. Panic attacks.
I’m barely functional at work. Coming down off a panic attack takes several hours. I’m so sleepy. I usually sleep right after panic attacks.
Also having some health crap. Getting fatter and fatter. Gone up a size. <—panic+hair loss
Shoulder is killing me. Something’s wrong more so than usual.
I just want to be at the gym for 3hours/day. I also want to get daily massages. And sleep a lot. And not hurt.
Society, you torture me enough!!! PICK ON SOMEONE ELSE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!
Oh skippee, I have a doctor appointment tomorrow. I’m notnsurenifbthey are going to like hearing what I have to say.
No, I am not ok.
I was left out to dry. I was cut loose with nothing in place or setup for transition. I’ve been floundering on my own. I’ve been barely making it by.
I was in the middle of the most toxic situation possible. By myself. I went into a severe change. By myself. I’ve dealt with serious things. By myself. I’ve had horrible blights and fights with Ed. By myself. Edie has shown up. Well at least there is three of us. But still!! By myself.
Eating disorders do not have recognition like Bipolar Disorders or Depression. I know some want to challenge it but it’s a fact. More research is piured into those two mental/behavioral issues than any other. It is even discussed in media and society. There are movements to promote them more openly than eating disorders.
Which is ironic since eating disorders are the deadliest.
This is not meant to be a comparisson but a point of why I am not able to openly talk about it. It is so taboo it freaks people out–friends have dropped me when I told them about it. Best friends.
So I cannot just be like, hi I have anorexia I need to take 2 hours off in the middle of the day twice a week [minimum] for my health and therapy. No. Not in today’s society. Not if I ever want a job in my dream healthcare profession.
But apparently the last eating disorder clinic appointments start at 4pm.
Because you can’t work and have an eating disorder?!?!
Wtf?!?! I mean seriously wtf?!
I just started this new job so it is not a choice for me to be demanding and shift changes. It doesn’t work that way.
And based on how gossipy, nosy, and ready to screw you over my new coworkers seem to be [not all but large portion of the 15 people], I am not divulging a deep dark secret like that.
So I’m stuck.
It’s like, I have to be hospitalized to get the help and support I need but if I am I lose my job. Which pays for the help I need.
Life is a cruel twist of fates.
And I get to explain all that stress to my doctor tomorrow.
I work weekends.
I am a social pariah.
For ~7 years I have rarely been a part of normal society as I have been working. I have been off for major events: weddings, my birthday, and ya that is it.
Today I had a Saturday off. The last Saturday I had off was technically my Vegas birthday trip, but that was all planned out and a trip.
But today I was a part of normal society.
I have hella PTO–too much honestly. Do I decided to take the whole day off for Little Man’s birthday party.
Oh the things y’all take for granted!! I was so excited!!!
PC let me sleep in!! I was ecstatic to sleep in on a Saturday!!!
We went for brunch/breakfast!! Something I have been fantasizing about for years.
But when you do not get to partake it is HUGE!!
The party was a blast!
My little nephew was adorable with his cake. I caught it all on camera. PC was there and enjoyed every minute of it. It was magical. I loved sharing it with him.
We came home and decided on movie snacks and a movie at home. Because we can!!! Because I have energy to!
Such a big deal!!
It is so weird to have this!
This taste of normalcy is great!!
It makes me appreciate what I have been and am still missing.
But it makes me sad and jealous at all that I have missed and am still missing because I am still in my job.
It makes it harder for me to go back. As if the toxicity was not bad enough.
I feel so isolated as it is but this taste of normalcy really makes me feel extremely isolated.
I am missing out on major life events and bonding opportunities. I hate this. I do not know how much longer I can take this.
I had my taste of normalcy and I want more.