Tag Archive | society

Don’t Sabotage Yourself

You know that moment when you’re blindsided and everything falls apart?

Literally everything. You think you have a shaky grasp on certain aspects of your life. The things you should be able to control.

Poof it’s gone.

How did it happen? How did you get here?

No. Really. It’s about what will you do.




Sabotage. My natural instinct. Well fuck everything else has shattered. It’s only time till those last shards fall. Why not just sweep them away on my terms.

I should be able to control something.

Sabotage and its seductive voice. Calling to me.

They say good things come to those who wait. The tortoise beats the hare. The good always prosper. Good trumps evil. Every other cliche.

Well what the fyzk. I’m here waiting.

Because having anorexia wasn’t horrible enough. And anxiety. Several kinds. OCD behaviors. Oh PTSD. Invalidating environments throughout life [including now]. Chronic pain.

Suffering from those alone is enough to make some people kill themselves.

So why, why does life or G-d or insert deity of choice keep throwing shit my way?

The one thing I have left is PC and our wedding. The wedding [date] I had planned was just taken away from me today by today’s events.

Because working in my hostile environment with a bullying and harassing boss wasn’t enough I’m being forced to quit. I need insurance so marriage is not going to be when I wanted it. Loss. This equals me questioning my life and existence.

How could someone be allowed to exist like that? And why targeting me?

Clearly I’m not worthy. Of life or existence. Because I keep getting up and the shot trying to knock me down keeps getting worse.

I can’t have control over even one aspect of my life like my own. fucking. Wedding.

Let’s sabotage what’s left: PC.

Don’t. Sabotage.

They have won with everything else. They got your wedding. Job. Money. Soul. Health.

But they can’t have PC and your love.


For One Night…

… Let’s pretend to be normal.

Anything but what we are.

Quotes Because

I’m barely holding on.

People are so jacked and cruel in this world. This is literally holding me together.

THIS is 1 Reason My Anorexia Persists…

I did online dating. And this really does exist. Men are entitled. They think they deserve to have this skinny perfectly shaped Barbie. While they themselves are beyond flawed.

At least that is how it persists in the area I live in. It sucks to be a woman.

But that is besides the point.

How, as someone with an eating disorder, as someone who is trying and fighting every damn day to love themselves, are you supposed to take this?

I know I am not the only woman out there who has dealt with this.

Please share your stories so I can empower you.

Because I have horror stories, too.

Some caused relapse. Some caused sex binges because they were triggering.

Society Strikes Again

It’s been a long and crappy week.

In addition to the birthday drama [see previous post if you want to even trek that], I have been enjoying panic attacks daily.

Earlier this week, I was enjoying multiple full blown panic attacks a day. But I can’t use my emergency drug because it would relax me and unleash the sadness of my birthday that is pent up. Fun, right?

So what has me bouncing and generating new stomach ulcers?

Jury duty.

I harness strong feelings on it that I just won’t even publish. But what should be known is I feel like if you are diagnosed with any form of panic disorder, you should automatically be dismissed.

I’ve been vomitting from this!! It’s horrible!!

These games and lack of control! I can’t even control my life as is and they do this?!

It’s always: call back between 11 and 12 noon. Then I vomit and have tunnel vision panic attacks. Then they tell me to call back after 5pm. Where I just panic and call. To be told to call the next day between 11 and 12 noon….

You have 1 hour to report. It’s impractical. And while on telephone standby, you’re not excused from work. ?!?!?!? Just anxiety provoking!!! <—ulcers

Add to this my boss who had her own page if attack because she’s pressured me that I can’t get jury duty or be activated. Xx like I chose this!!! Let’s add stress!! <—ulcers

Tears. Ulcers. Stress. Vomit. Headaches. Panic attacks.

I’m barely functional at work. Coming down off a panic attack takes several hours. I’m so sleepy. I usually sleep right after panic attacks.

Also having some health crap. Getting fatter and fatter. Gone up a size. <—panic+hair loss

Shoulder is killing me. Something’s wrong more so than usual.

I just want to be at the gym for 3hours/day. I also want to get daily massages. And sleep a lot. And not hurt.


Society, you torture me enough!!! PICK ON SOMEONE ELSE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

Doctor Appointment

Oh skippee, I have a doctor appointment tomorrow. I’m notnsurenifbthey are going to like hearing what I have to say.

No, I am not ok.

I was left out to dry. I was cut loose with nothing in place or setup for transition. I’ve been floundering on my own. I’ve been barely making it by.

I was in the middle of the most toxic situation possible. By myself. I went into a severe change. By myself. I’ve dealt with serious things. By myself. I’ve had horrible blights and fights with Ed. By myself. Edie has shown up. Well at least there is three of us. But still!! By myself.

Eating disorders do not have recognition like Bipolar Disorders or Depression. I know some want to challenge it but it’s a fact. More research is piured into those two mental/behavioral issues than any other. It is even discussed in media and society. There are movements to promote them more openly than eating disorders.

Which is ironic since eating disorders are the deadliest.

This is not meant to be a comparisson but a point of why I am not able to openly talk about it. It is so taboo it freaks people out–friends have dropped me when I told them about it. Best friends.

So I cannot just be like, hi I have anorexia I need to take 2 hours off in the middle of the day twice a week [minimum] for my health and therapy. No. Not in today’s society. Not if I ever want a job in my dream healthcare profession.

But apparently the last eating disorder clinic appointments start at 4pm. 

Because you can’t work and have an eating disorder?!?! 

Wtf?!?! I mean seriously wtf?! 

I just started this new job so it is not a choice for me to be demanding and shift changes. It doesn’t work that way.

And based on how gossipy, nosy, and ready to screw you over my new coworkers seem to be [not all but large portion of the 15 people], I am not divulging a deep dark secret like that.

So I’m stuck.

It’s like, I have to be hospitalized to get the help and support I need but if I am I lose my job. Which pays for the help I need.

Life is a cruel twist of fates.

And I get to explain all that stress to my doctor tomorrow.