Tag Archive | support

OK life keeps happening and faster than I can turn out past posts to update.

Quick back story: please note this is not how I wanted to tell yall.

I am engaged.

Yes you read that right. Cassie is fucking engaged. For real life. MTV TRUE LIFE: I Am an Anorexic Who is Engaged.

Very mindfucking surreal. Derealization big time.

Anyways. The one thing of two I have dread the most about this whole wedding process is Ed’s voice and the combat that would ensue.

And when would it come up?

Two times to be exact: 1) wedding dress shopping and 2) walking down the aisle.

I do not….not want all eyes on me. People judging me. The dress makes me look fatter. Oh you see her juggling arms? She looks like a whore because I can see cleavage. Omg double chin?!

Honestly going naked sounds so much more appealing than the whole dress trying on.

My hand was forced and before I knew it there I was on 2.5mg of a benzodiazepam totally experiencing derealization.

Everyone else cries and is ecstatic and is pumped for this day. I’ve put it off for months. I cried going in. There is no “real dress moment” for me because none will make me feel pretty enough to be a bride. Ed and Edie are already on that.

I feel so unworthy. I watch as a skinny ass butch near me tries on the exact same dress I had on and of course she looks good. She has no books or hips. It fits perfect. She’s just having a joyous occasion. I’m trying to not cry.

Bridal gown shopping is not meant for girls/women with body image disorders. Period. And this needs to be fixed Stat.

I left exhausted and hating myself. I can’t deal with the world.

Of course I’m pmsing at the same time.

Fuck being a bride. Can I go toga?

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Let’s Call It A Comeback

While I’ve been crafting my multiple tales behind the scenes to release unto you [ooo so fancy sounding] life clearly keeps happening. Anorexia and anxiety don’t just disappear. Those who are cured I am disgustingly envious of.

Again, I am a lifer.

I may have learned to cope with it and how to “interact” with anorexia and anxiety, but I will never be cured. Alas, my only cure is death. And while I have begged for it at times and needed it as well, I could never do it.

I digress.

I have been struggling a lot lately with stress and eating. I’m doing decently in the sense I’m eating at least one meal a day. This is major for me. It’s not like I’m actively trying to avoid it; I have no hunger instinct so I can go a whole day without even noticing I have not consumed anything. It’s bad.

My job is unnecessarily stressful. A post to come. But I also have a new stress trigger that is really driving Ed’s voice into overdrive. It will come out in another post, but let’s just say there is an extreme amount of pressure on how I will look and eyes will be on me.

OH heyyy Ed! Edie, you’re here, too?! Omg it’s a party!!

Let’s throw in all that PTSD training trying to counteract all that. Mmmm joy.

A few months ago I was cleared to return to the gym. After 2 years of physical injury. And 1.5 years before that of restriction for therapy.

Just a reminder, I have hypergymnasia: I have spent excessive amounts of time at the gym in an attempt to lose weight. It was my purge. And when I go to the gym, I lose myself and all sense of time. It’s a total mindfuck to be honest.

The last time I was in a gym, ugh I was so unhealthy!!! I had just broken my ankle and shoulder. And I was at the gym running on the treadmill while in pain. That was 2 years ago OH SHIT TO THIS WEEK!!!

Well, I made plans with one of my besties to return to the gym. Part of my recovery contingencies [for life] is I’m not allowed to workout alone. We were supposed to go last week and again Monday.

I got so anxious I panicked and canceled.

Between the stress of work and this pressure to be thin, I did the healthy thing and did not go.

I know if I went, I would be starting under the wrong intentions and it would be downhill from there. My bestie knows everything that’s going on and has been so supportive.

So today we went. And I was so anxious. And scared.

I was worried I was too fat in the gym outfit I had. I was honestly fearful of the judgment by people at the gym. I was scared I would lose control. I was afraid I would spiral; that Ed would slide into control.

What I was most fearful of? My injuries being so bad that they would incapacitate me from doing the exercises I know and love. And I would have lost my identity.

Good news: the broken shoulder has healed enough through physical therapy that I was able to do the exercises I have done in the past!! I actually cried at the gym. The ankle has as well.

Bad news: I can’t turn off the hypergymnasia. My beastie turned to me and was like we have been here an hour time to go. I honestly thought it had been 10 minutes.

Absolutely no concept of time. It’s scary. I could end up hurting myself again. Breaking something. Or, as Eddie points out, getting fatter because I am working out too much without enough caloric intake.

I gain weight when I stop eating. I am am atypical anorexic due to years of anorexia and no formal treatment till my late twenties.

I feel disgusted by myself for feeling pleasure in the muscle burn and stamina I have. It’s not because I’m healthier than I thought but for the idea I can keep pushing myself harder.

But dammit, this is a massive comeback!! Literally years in the making.

Cassie is back at the gym. My happy place. Under supervision of a bestie. Without therapy support. Trying to do this the right way.

Here’s a big challenge!!

Where to Start?!

This is my return.

I’m overwhelmed with what to say. Like where to start.

There has been so many changes in my life over the past 7 months. I wanted to write as they happened. It helps me process and feel. Experience the moment as they say in DBT.

Thanks to fear and trying to protect my anonymity, I had to give time in-between some significant events so that I cannot be identified.

I have followed of you and am so proud of you. Your accomplishments and strides you are making. These struggles are so. Real.

I guess the first biggest struggle, which will be my first focus, is I completed, and graduated from the Trauma Therapy.

As in I had no choice they basically told me, in one month we are cutting you free because that’s the end goal. After 4 years of intensive therapy. To nothing.

Oooo plot twist?!

THIS is 1 Reason My Anorexia Persists…

I did online dating. And this really does exist. Men are entitled. They think they deserve to have this skinny perfectly shaped Barbie. While they themselves are beyond flawed.

At least that is how it persists in the area I live in. It sucks to be a woman.

But that is besides the point.

How, as someone with an eating disorder, as someone who is trying and fighting every damn day to love themselves, are you supposed to take this?

I know I am not the only woman out there who has dealt with this.

Please share your stories so I can empower you.

Because I have horror stories, too.

Some caused relapse. Some caused sex binges because they were triggering.






How Can You Tell?

**Trigger Warning: content can be considered triggering for those with eating disorders. Proceed accordingly.**

How can you tell when you are relapsing again? 

I remember when I was so hateful of food that I wanted it but did not at the same time–so I would chew it and spit it out. I was guilt ridden for wasting food. But the thought of swallowing has terrifying.

I knew I was a lost cause then, but I barely remember the descent to that place.

How can you tell?

How do you know when it all starts happening again? Usually I can. But Ed’s voice can be so silvery and smooth that I do not even notice the switch in control.

Between Ed, Edie, and myself all fighting for control, I have no clue who holds the reins anymore.

How can you tell when you have slipped?

It is so scary. I think I have.

I cannot exercise thanks to my injuries. I am going insane. I need to work out. 

I have found myself barely eating and barely drinking water. 

It all escalated around my anaphylactic reaction. I was convinced the hairs in my water were effecting my throat. Turns out my throat was swelling shut from the medication. Now I am plain afraid to drink.

Work days I pretty much get two shakes in, two packets of oatmeal with peanut butter, and two glasses of water. That’s it.

I manage to talk myself out of dinner; I get overwhelmed by options. I’m too tired. I’m too stressed. Not hungry. Always an excuse.

How can you tell sickness and stress from Ed? Sooo intertwined. One causes the other.
I catch myself thinking, “Woah. Cassie you should stop restricting and eat more!!” I am still convinced I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. And this time of year is always the worst. There is food everywhere. It makes me think I have eaten and feel full.

I keep obsessing over my body and how fat I am. That has definitely come back strong. I keep looking at my collarbones and shoulders while grabbing the fat on my thighs. I really hate this time of year. And shopping isn’t making me feel better.

I can’t do anything to stop the thoughts and shut up Ed’s voice. Or even Edie’s.
It came to my attention that I have a problem again when I was at dinner on Christmas Eve. My parents asked me if I wanted more food; why wasn’t I hungrier. Why was I not drinking more or having more bread. I only had a small portion of ravioli. I did not even realize how much Ed and Edie were running the show.

How do you know you have lost the control before you have? 

My parents looked so concerned. 

Shocker. 

But more so when they wanted me to eat Christmas dinner with them and I had a small bowl of scalloped potatoes. I felt like a total fat ass because we had food ordered for lunch. It felt so fattening I wanted it to be my one meal of the day. After I wanted to cry.

Honestly it was not that bad but I was losing it!! How did I not notice I had slipped back to this point? Such a bad habit and I was back at it. Old habits die hard.

How do you know?!?!

I’m physically exhausted again. Stressed out. Work is …..

Today I watched a new show called Dance Academy. Probably shouldn’t have because I think it’s triggering for me. How do I know? I can’t stop watching. I’m picking PC up in a few hours and need sleep but can’t stop watching.

I got angry. One chick doesn’t eat for a week and passes out. Pffff whatever–bitch is weak sauce. I didn’t eat for 3 months. I was faint and shit but I don’t think I actually passed out!! Makes me want to say I’m a real anorexic and she’s a fake. Her therapy was a joke. 

And now I want to train so hardcore. 

I want to dance.

No. I need to dance. 

Alas, I am saving up money and am fearful of driving in El Niño rains. I choose life thank you.

I think I need help. 

But idk what to do with my phone appointment with my doctor this week; I am still so angry with her for blowing off my medical issues. And allowing 4 weeks to pass instead of the 2 weeks she wanted. 

I’m not sure if I should tell her. I don’t want to end up in residential. 

I need Cherry.

How do you know.

Quickie

I still hurt. And have arm weakness. Pretty sure I fractured my ankle. Am allergic to the med for the pain. Was a rough week because it all just crumbled around me.

And I’m feeling extremely fat. Pretty sure I’m gaining weight. Find myself easily restricting and not noticing again.

hating my life in all of those senses.

Self Discovery Challenge: Part Quatre

  
Questions 31-40.

31. Yes it is. I am actually growing it out right now but we will see how long it gets because my hair does not like to be long. It starts to be dried and gross on the ends and greasy at the roots. No matter what.

32. I’m not sure since after having had a threesome before I checked it off my list. I learned that there’s going to be drama and I’m selfish sexually–I am not going to sit there and watch. Nope!

33. Fw
34. Um currently? Not exactly. Training and hoping to get back into dance–a whole other post because of the anxiety with El Niño.

35. Without tv. I actually go on kicks without it for days, even weeks. But I need music everyday.

36. Yes. Not just as a kid but even more recently. I wasn’t sure if he was interested and we worked together. This was pre PC. 

37. Hahaha awkwaaaard. It depends on if I know them or not and what is causing the awkward silence… Like serious tension or anger.

38. Yes and no it depends on the people. Generally speaking, men older is better due to their maturity levels. And from my personal experience I do better with someone who knows what they want and here in this area these boys don’t know till their 40s apparently. I lucked out!!

39. Ooo art supply stores like Michaels, Target, used bookstores, Amazon, one stop shops, Ulta, Poshmark, places with a deal… Hahaha

40. Uh I’m beyond high school?