Tag Archive | surviving

Don’t Sabotage Yourself

You know that moment when you’re blindsided and everything falls apart?

Literally everything. You think you have a shaky grasp on certain aspects of your life. The things you should be able to control.

Poof it’s gone.

How did it happen? How did you get here?

No. Really. It’s about what will you do.




Sabotage. My natural instinct. Well fuck everything else has shattered. It’s only time till those last shards fall. Why not just sweep them away on my terms.

I should be able to control something.

Sabotage and its seductive voice. Calling to me.

They say good things come to those who wait. The tortoise beats the hare. The good always prosper. Good trumps evil. Every other cliche.

Well what the fyzk. I’m here waiting.

Because having anorexia wasn’t horrible enough. And anxiety. Several kinds. OCD behaviors. Oh PTSD. Invalidating environments throughout life [including now]. Chronic pain.

Suffering from those alone is enough to make some people kill themselves.

So why, why does life or G-d or insert deity of choice keep throwing shit my way?

The one thing I have left is PC and our wedding. The wedding [date] I had planned was just taken away from me today by today’s events.

Because working in my hostile environment with a bullying and harassing boss wasn’t enough I’m being forced to quit. I need insurance so marriage is not going to be when I wanted it. Loss. This equals me questioning my life and existence.

How could someone be allowed to exist like that? And why targeting me?

Clearly I’m not worthy. Of life or existence. Because I keep getting up and the shot trying to knock me down keeps getting worse.

I can’t have control over even one aspect of my life like my own. fucking. Wedding.

Let’s sabotage what’s left: PC.

Don’t. Sabotage.

They have won with everything else. They got your wedding. Job. Money. Soul. Health.

But they can’t have PC and your love.


For One Night…

… Let’s pretend to be normal.

Anything but what we are.

Quotes Because

I’m barely holding on.

People are so jacked and cruel in this world. This is literally holding me together.

THIS is 1 Reason My Anorexia Persists…

I did online dating. And this really does exist. Men are entitled. They think they deserve to have this skinny perfectly shaped Barbie. While they themselves are beyond flawed.

At least that is how it persists in the area I live in. It sucks to be a woman.

But that is besides the point.

How, as someone with an eating disorder, as someone who is trying and fighting every damn day to love themselves, are you supposed to take this?

I know I am not the only woman out there who has dealt with this.

Please share your stories so I can empower you.

Because I have horror stories, too.

Some caused relapse. Some caused sex binges because they were triggering.

It’s That Time–Attempting a Comeback [Pictures]

Here is the scrubs drawer. With the last pair of scrub butts [that’s what I call them but they are scrub bottoms] in it before I pull them out.

And here is the drawer: all happy, positive, radiant, vibing good energy!! On the left side are my gym/dance tops and the right side my running tops. This just makes me so damn happy you have NO idea.

I feel like an Old Navy spokesperson and advertisement because uh yeah all my tops are Old Navy active… And so are my gym shorts and running shorts and pants. I love their active line! Cute, comfy, supportive, durable, and most importantly affordable!! And it comes in plus sizes up to 3x maybe even 4x. Yes ladies that is real life.




No, I was not endorsed or given anything by Old Navy to say what I just said, but I would gladly accept something considering how much I buy from them 😀


So there is my comeback. And yes please call it that! I love to be filling my life back up with the things that I love and seeing my Old Navy Active workout clothes gives me my happy vibes and excitement of times to come!

I feel my PLUR! 💖

It’s That Time–Attempting a Comeback [Explanation]

Guess what my amazing and loyal readers?!?! I am attempting a comeback to my photo challenge!! I hate that I had to stop.

For those of you just tuning in, I have been dealing with workplace violence–harassment and bullying from my boss[es], peers, coworkers, well all levels. I just took it because I needed the money and health insurance.

In a nutshell: I finally saw freedom–was/am making a lateral move to another department which impacts my ego but it is out of the toxic environment I am in [so bad that about 20 people have left in the past year….yuuuup] –my boss who is resigning still had to make his mark and refused my two weeks notice–then stated that he would be renegotiating my transfer date–I saw my freedom slip away–I lost it–I nearly self harmed–PC my amazing boyfriend in addition to my amazing therapy team kept me safe and out of the hospital for the weekend–my therapy team and Doctor pulled me off work for the weekend–I was so stressed which why I wanted to self harm but I had not slept in a week–I was so anxious and overwhelmed [no not depressed] I could not shower or do anything but panic and cry– I got prescription for Ambien–I spent last weekend with PC–I have been slowly getting sleep back–which in turn is decreasing my anxiety–which in turn is helping me manage my anorexia and keep me from involuntarily stress vomit–and I still have no idea when I am transferring and I work tomorrow.

Ya that was a lot. So anyways with the Ambien and a day of just sleeping all. Day. I have finally started to calm done, cope, and gain energy.

Which meant slowly returning to normalcy.

I am binge shopping though which is not good.

Like bargain shopping on designer purses. Ugh. The Jew in me cannot resist a good deal!! Dammit!!!

I have however been cleaning.  

A lot.

I had to make room for my new work clothes.

I have worn gym clothes, jeans, and scrubs for 8 years. Actually much longer. This is the first time in my life that I have to wear business casual. So I needed to make room for that.  

At the same time, I wanted to make a drawer for my running clothes, gym clothes, and dance clothes. All require different clothes. Especially when you are fat.

I ended up getting rid of some gym shorts to make room for ones that made me feel confident.

I also decided to have my two drawers be bottoms and tops: gym on the left, running on the right. I already have my dance drawer so I tidied that up.

What does this all mean?

After years of having a scrubs drawer filled with awkward underwear dedicated for scrubs and sports bras because you get to be comfy in scrubs, I am ending this chapter of my life.

This is huge.

This job was my favorite place to be. I used to countdown going to work. I still love my patients and some of my doctors. And I will miss the trauma excitement–ohhh that rush!

But I will not miss what it has become in the past 4 years. The toxicity. Friends turning on friends. Isolation. People spreading false rumors and gossip. Throwing you under the bus to protect themselves. The lies and manipulation. The laziness. My positivity being a negative thing.

No one should leave each shift and cry.

No one should constantly fear for the safety of their patients.

I’ve lost my fight. I’ve lost my energy. This job literally killed me.

So I was ecstatic to clean out that scrubs drawer and put in my gym and running tops! I felt the biggest weight lift. I feel like a bitch because I am so happy and want to brag that I am putting in my new positive life in that drawer instead. My 5k training and *hopefully* healthy gym exercising.

Total catharsis.

Now for the pictures. See the next post. :]

Thanks for baring with me through the past few weeks. It has been rough is truly an understatement.

xOxOx Cassïe