I’m barely holding on.
People are so jacked and cruel in this world. This is literally holding me together.
I did online dating. And this really does exist. Men are entitled. They think they deserve to have this skinny perfectly shaped Barbie. While they themselves are beyond flawed.
At least that is how it persists in the area I live in. It sucks to be a woman.
But that is besides the point.
How, as someone with an eating disorder, as someone who is trying and fighting every damn day to love themselves, are you supposed to take this?
I know I am not the only woman out there who has dealt with this.
Please share your stories so I can empower you.
Because I have horror stories, too.
Some caused relapse. Some caused sex binges because they were triggering.
The whole insurance debacle kept on going and going. It caused so much stress that it caused me to stop eating again, vomit, get reflux, and having horrid sleep. Worst of all, it brought back the severe anxiety why it causes organ pain. Like circa 2013.
It’s still hard for me to talk about this because I literally relive it thinking about it.
So what you can know for now is the insurance company decided to retract my coverage for only my anorexia therapy appointments after paying for some and tried to charge me upwards of $10k in bills. And I had to fight it all on my own. Because I’m a motherfucking bitch and a patient advocate. My doctor used the wrong billing code and someone entered me as an out of network user which if you knew the situation you would know it’s absolute bullshit.
So 3 months no anorexia treatment. Cut short because my doctor wasn’t getting paid. And she didn’t even file a claim like she said.
So I emailed her telling her it was all cleared when can I return to my usual scheduled appointments. She’ll get back to me.
No one takes me fucking seriously. I was literally left for dead. Even my therapist seems to not give a fuck. Can’t change cause she’s the only one on the plan.
Sooooo whyyyy am I fighting this? Why am I struggling to stay alive? To beat anorexia? No one else seems to care.
It’s tiring being the only one. I used to fight for my own privacy. It’s not worth it anymore.
This world is a toxic place.
The US is a joke politically. California is a pretentious state. People don’t care about each other anymore. I’m always my own fighter.
But yet I have to be thankful for this bs insurance because it could be worse…? Wait could it? Not sure right now because my health suffers way too much due to insurance alone.
Just been a rough week as those of you who have been following are aware. And just not sure I’m emotionally ready to deal with people tomorrow while I’m still fighting one battle at a time.
Current battle: focus on breathing.
Then focus on eating. Then focus on not verbal cutting people even if she I mean they deserve it for their verbally assault ice commentary [I know it’s coming].
Then. One step at a time. Just a lot going on I haven’t even mentioned on here. If I did, I’d lose it. It’s too much to handle at once.
Here is the scrubs drawer. With the last pair of scrub butts [that’s what I call them but they are scrub bottoms] in it before I pull them out.
And here is the drawer: all happy, positive, radiant, vibing good energy!! On the left side are my gym/dance tops and the right side my running tops. This just makes me so damn happy you have NO idea.
I feel like an Old Navy spokesperson and advertisement because uh yeah all my tops are Old Navy active… And so are my gym shorts and running shorts and pants. I love their active line! Cute, comfy, supportive, durable, and most importantly affordable!! And it comes in plus sizes up to 3x maybe even 4x. Yes ladies that is real life.
No, I was not endorsed or given anything by Old Navy to say what I just said, but I would gladly accept something considering how much I buy from them 😀
So there is my comeback. And yes please call it that! I love to be filling my life back up with the things that I love and seeing my Old Navy Active workout clothes gives me my happy vibes and excitement of times to come!
I feel my PLUR! 💖
Guess what my amazing and loyal readers?!?! I am attempting a comeback to my photo challenge!! I hate that I had to stop.
For those of you just tuning in, I have been dealing with workplace violence–harassment and bullying from my boss[es], peers, coworkers, well all levels. I just took it because I needed the money and health insurance.
In a nutshell: I finally saw freedom–was/am making a lateral move to another department which impacts my ego but it is out of the toxic environment I am in [so bad that about 20 people have left in the past year….yuuuup] –my boss who is resigning still had to make his mark and refused my two weeks notice–then stated that he would be renegotiating my transfer date–I saw my freedom slip away–I lost it–I nearly self harmed–PC my amazing boyfriend in addition to my amazing therapy team kept me safe and out of the hospital for the weekend–my therapy team and Doctor pulled me off work for the weekend–I was so stressed which why I wanted to self harm but I had not slept in a week–I was so anxious and overwhelmed [no not depressed] I could not shower or do anything but panic and cry– I got prescription for Ambien–I spent last weekend with PC–I have been slowly getting sleep back–which in turn is decreasing my anxiety–which in turn is helping me manage my anorexia and keep me from involuntarily stress vomit–and I still have no idea when I am transferring and I work tomorrow.
Ya that was a lot. So anyways with the Ambien and a day of just sleeping all. Day. I have finally started to calm done, cope, and gain energy.
Which meant slowly returning to normalcy.
I am binge shopping though which is not good.
Like bargain shopping on designer purses. Ugh. The Jew in me cannot resist a good deal!! Dammit!!!
I have however been cleaning.
I had to make room for my new work clothes.
I have worn gym clothes, jeans, and scrubs for 8 years. Actually much longer. This is the first time in my life that I have to wear business casual. So I needed to make room for that.
At the same time, I wanted to make a drawer for my running clothes, gym clothes, and dance clothes. All require different clothes. Especially when you are fat.
I ended up getting rid of some gym shorts to make room for ones that made me feel confident.
I also decided to have my two drawers be bottoms and tops: gym on the left, running on the right. I already have my dance drawer so I tidied that up.
What does this all mean?
After years of having a scrubs drawer filled with awkward underwear dedicated for scrubs and sports bras because you get to be comfy in scrubs, I am ending this chapter of my life.
This is huge.
This job was my favorite place to be. I used to countdown going to work. I still love my patients and some of my doctors. And I will miss the trauma excitement–ohhh that rush!
But I will not miss what it has become in the past 4 years. The toxicity. Friends turning on friends. Isolation. People spreading false rumors and gossip. Throwing you under the bus to protect themselves. The lies and manipulation. The laziness. My positivity being a negative thing.
No one should leave each shift and cry.
No one should constantly fear for the safety of their patients.
I’ve lost my fight. I’ve lost my energy. This job literally killed me.
So I was ecstatic to clean out that scrubs drawer and put in my gym and running tops! I felt the biggest weight lift. I feel like a bitch because I am so happy and want to brag that I am putting in my new positive life in that drawer instead. My 5k training and *hopefully* healthy gym exercising.
Now for the pictures. See the next post. :]
Thanks for baring with me through the past few weeks. It has been rough is truly an understatement.
Life is still a lot to handle right now.
The past few days I have been in and out of my therapists’ offices game planning, crisis interventioning, and figuring out where my head is at.
My sleep has been askew for over a week now, which anyone who has been a part of DBT can tell you, means the PLEASE Skills are not being met.
AKA everything else in my life is just gettingnworse because of the lack of sleep. Because I cannot handle it.
I am honestly trying to calmly handle one thing at a time.
Yes I am avoiding thinking about that work bullying thing because it is a shitshow with no resolution. It will only cause more panic on panic.
Anyways. So yesterday I went in to see my psychiatrist for urgent meeting about pharmacological interventions for work shifts.
Here is the problem. I already know what my pharmacological options are…and if Ativan is not working, I am straight fucked.
I also hate taking medications if I do not absolutely need to–I would rather treat the cause and resolve that.
So that is how desperate I am.
And there is no pharmacological intervention. Of course. But I was prescribed Ambien for sleeping because I cannot fall asleep nor stay asleep.
I also found out yesterday my blood pressure has significantly dropped….yikes!
Last weekend PC was supposed to take care of me and well that failed. I have been trying retail therapy to deal and that is not good. Yesterday he and I had a very weird coming of blows conversation. I ended up at his place and he took care of me. No more of his bs I am sick shit.
I took the Ambien and I was scared. I had a panic attack while falling asleep. Like my whole body could not stop moving and freaking out while my brain went 10miles a minute and a fog washed over my body closing my eyes. I tried to fight it. It was so scary.
And yet I still kept waking up throughoutnthe night.
I got dropped off this morning and slept all day. But STILL kept waking up. I still keep having nightmares. My brain will not turn off.
I am just so over this! I just want to sleep. A solid 8 hours and that is what I want!!
Why is that so much to ask for?
To not be bullied…to not be harassed….to have things go smoothly…to sleep.