Tag Archive | therapist

Where to Start?!

This is my return.

I’m overwhelmed with what to say. Like where to start.

There has been so many changes in my life over the past 7 months. I wanted to write as they happened. It helps me process and feel. Experience the moment as they say in DBT.

Thanks to fear and trying to protect my anonymity, I had to give time in-between some significant events so that I cannot be identified.

I have followed of you and am so proud of you. Your accomplishments and strides you are making. These struggles are so. Real.

I guess the first biggest struggle, which will be my first focus, is I completed, and graduated from the Trauma Therapy.

As in I had no choice they basically told me, in one month we are cutting you free because that’s the end goal. After 4 years of intensive therapy. To nothing.

Oooo plot twist?!

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Adventures with the New Therapist

Let’s just say it’s safe to say that I’m not on the same plane as my new therapist.

I did dive in thinking it would go a lot like Cherry. That is my own fault for expectations.

But I swear this new one keeps seeing eating disorder.

She don’t knooooow meeee. So she’s coming at my eating disorder and trying to help me with absolutely NO clue to what is happening.

This is another relapse, yes. You have notes to reference, yes. Your concern is my health, yes.minget it!!!

But how compliant am I going to be if you keep pushing me without listening to me?

Well it turns out not very.

PC and I have had some significant arguments these past few weeks. Mainly because I feel like I’m not being heard.

Ya he really isn’t listening to me, but it’s worse when my therapist is not either.

One of these two needs to. I can’t have them both steamrolling me. I lose my words.

And I’m already at a loss. This fucking RSV has messed with my memory!! I don’t think it’s the meds…I think it’s the virus itself. I have lost my short term memory.

Could it be from stress and anxiety? Oh I’ve been weighing that because I have been just run down at work–attacked from all angles. But that’s a different feeling.

So today I was pushed and pushed by the newb. I shut down. And our session ended early. Cool.

I’m tired of her invalidating that my life is shit. No, not everyone has shitty lives or gets shit on as much as I do. I am always looking for positives even as I’m being beaten down.

But she doesn’t get it and it almost seems like she won’t get it.

So it almost seems like it’s time to do what us anorexics and other disordered eating people do best: lie.

Ya I’m fine. Ya I’m eating. Ya it’s all going well. It’s wonderful.

I don’t want to talk about food yet she doesn’t seem to get that.

Can only be pushed so much.

Cheese Factor: Nacho

Okay this is super cheesy, but I am really ecstatic to say I have 100 followers!!

Thank you to all of you who find what I write and post interesting enough to subscribe!

And a bigger thanks to those of you who interact with comments, likes, and reblogs!! ❤

You have no idea how much all of this means to me!!

Literally, it has been a huge goal of mine for the past 2 years! Thanks for making this happen!

I set out to blog to share my voice on eating disorders so people could hear the struggle.

I still aim to do that and I hope that it has proven educational, helpful, and a close human element. That human face to the silent and lonely struggle that kills.

I am an open book.

I do not EVER promote proana or promia material.

I do apologize if my struggles have ever been triggering to anyone. But this is me: Cassie.

This is Cassie and Ed’s voice.

As I continue to blog, I hope to add a few things to my experiences with anorexia.

I will stick with my weekly list challenge and try to keep up with my daily photo challenge. I still encourage others to join!! I would like to incorporate in some research that is healthcare based as well as topics as suggested by you, my readers.

Anything y’all want to hear? Please comment! Or shoot me an email or kik.

I still want to promote community and am here as myself; flaws and all.

Contact me:

•Email: soundofedsvoice@gmail.com

•Kik: CassiexEdsxVoice

To another 100 followers, whenever it might happen! I am grateful for all of you! love you ❤

in it together

Cässïë

Happiness List Challenge

Today I read a blog post from The Life of an Anxious Teen where she made a list of things that made her happy. She listed 20 things.

Now I loooove to do lists. So much so that part of my OCD tendencies have me making lists to ease my anxieties.

So in addition to my daily Photo Challenges that I have been doing with Raison d’être and still invite people to join in on, I think I am going to aim for a weekly list challenge.

I will go through my Listography books [sooo addicted] and find a list topic for the week. I will then post the title similar as this week’s title. I will provide instructions if some are necessary.

I invite everyone to participate to any level they are comfortable!

You can be deep and analytical or soft and fluffy! It can be fun or self discovery!

Please join in!! If you end up doing it, just comment on mine and I will make sure to stop by yours! It will be a fun little community support thing to get in on! Please join in!!

* * * * *

This week is the Happiness List Challenge: What makes YOU happy?

I have done this one before so I am going to push myself a bit. I am going for 20 things, but I am not going to stop myself–just going to let it flow.

If you are only able to get 5, that is still great and should still be noted!! Maybe next week you will blow me out of the water!! The only competition is with yourself on this self discovery! And I just want to take the journey to get to know my fellow bloggers better!!

Cassie’s Happiness List

  1. My Nalgene bottle
  2. Starry skies
  3. Squirrels
  4. Music
  5. Hair accessories: flowers, ribbons, bows, head wraps
  6. Bubble wrap–feels good to pop
  7. Collages and collaging 
  8. Pink, the color
  9. My lava lamps
  10. Cake decorating
  11. Sitting by a fire in a fireplace
  12. Listening to the ocean, in person
  13. The smell of the ocean
  14. Dancing
  15. Helping others
  16. Holding hands [with anyone and everyone]
  17. Hugs
  18. Making lists [I told y’all I love it!!]
  19. Coloring
  20. Organizing
  21. Looking through my picture albums [specific ones I made for therapy purposes]
  22. Reading
  23. Sudokus 
  24. Playing with my nephew
  25. Spending time with my best friends
  26. PC
  27. Emails with Raison d’être
  28. Blog comment convos with K and a2eternity
  29. Kik with my friends’ daughters 
  30. Duolingo 
  31. My therapy cart: hair flower making station, collage section, stickers, cards, friendship bracelets, etc. a bunch of short term projects.
  32. Boots with the fur
  33. Making digital photo albums to print 
  34. Volunteering
  35. Teaching
  36. Nursing

    I Survived…I Think?

    I am so grateful to be in bed right now.

    I survived the work week.  

    I did not go off on people.

    I utilized some of my skills I learned in DBT group to keep myself in some state of balance.

    The biggest one would have to be not listening to rap, R&B, or hip hop music. I love those styles. It boosts my confidence. It also reminds me to tell people to fuck off. Literally. It brings out my hood side. Not necessarily in a good way when I am already emotionally volatile.

    So I practiced awareness and avoided it. As well as sad music so I would not cry anymore.

    Even though I craved it. Hard.

    *     *      *      *      * 

    Tomorrow I am supposed to see Cherry.

    She has absolutely no clue what happened this past week.

    I debated emailing her a heads up. But then again she did pawn me off on to Pati. Coaching Calls. But I hate doing that and imposing. Against my nature.

    Thus, the assignment Cherry gave me is not done.

    ‘Twas barely a thought.

    Ok well I thought about it. How I was supposed to do it. How it stressed me out that I had not done it. How it stressed me out to do it; that it might reflect me as a fat ass.

    Yes. She has reinstated the dreaded Food Log with Emotion/Feelings. I despise it. A reminder of how I binge.

    Sure it probably is all subjective bingeing. Except today’s… Over the course of the entire day I had 2 donuts, 2 shakes, grilled cheese, protein bar with soy [my version of a laxative], some garlic fries, chocolate milk shake. Fucking horribly unhealthy. And truly not bad in terms of food eaten in a 16hour period. But it feels like I ate it all in one sitting. Because it was at work. Regret.

    That is why I have to do the damn log again.

    But I know Pati can justify why I didn’t recreate the journal and fill it out. It’s a legit excuse. I’ve been in crisis survival mode for months now but it’s just plain survival mode while drowning now. Barely staying afloat.

    Never thought this would be my life again.

    Now how to tell Pati my anxiety is too high and while she talked me into our meeting I have to skip it: same exact time as reigstration for my first ever 5k. And of course it is one of the most popular and hugh demanded races. It goes fast. Yiu have to be on the computer and prepared to wait there in case you miss by a millisec and must wait for ofhers to finish before you.

    Yet Pati convinced me a few days ago to come in; to do it in her computer. But I just cannot take any chances with timing and my shitty luck. Oops.

    To anxiety! And it pulling me from professional help to run a race!

    Communication

    I am now making myself available for communication to people. 

    Wow that came out wrong.

    I am making myself available for communication to people who follow my blog.

    Have questions? Want to chat? Want to exchange emails? Now we can.

    I always have wanted to but have feared the rejection; the whole I create, put it out there, no one takes a bite or even tries kind of fear.

    Right now I am at such a low anyways, there really is no surprise in the rejection but more of a surprise in the connection.

    I hope I have touched some lives or impacted someone enough that they would be down to kik or email. But it is scary and I can respect that.

    Here it is.

    My kik: CassiexEdsxVoice
    Email: soundofedsvoice@gmail.com

    So Bad, Even Cali Cries

    Today was so horrid.

    I cried so much. When I wasn’t crying I was weepy. Seeing Erin for Happy Hour distracted me but still was not enough. 

    That meeting went horribly wrong.

    In a nutshell: my boss he is trying to work me out of my job basically because he has some personal vendetta. And the charge nurses I work with? All passive aggressive and lied to him. Stating work was easy we did nothing. That I was on my phone the whole weekend. Lie. My phone is in my backpack until break. 

    I feel harassed. Bullied. Betrayed. This place officially killed my soul.

    And I have to go back to work in 2 days.

    And a follow up meeting in a week for who knows what purpose. 

    I called HR tonight. 

    No one fucks with MY reputation. My type A and OCD will not take that shit. And if people think they can bring me down, they don’t realize I’m not going down alone. 

    My soul and spirit is dead. Jews don’t believe in hell. But Cassie is going to make sure those who tried to fuck me get what they deserve in the end–justice will prevail.

    Back to crying some more. I hate my work life. I’m so stuck. My therapists are so angry because we have been in survival mode for months now with no end in sight. 

    And tonight, it actually rained in California [shocker real water yay!!!]. It almost feels like G-d is crying with me. Rain, thunder and lightning. That is how bad this is… no rain for months and we finally get some. The day I cry and do a coaching call because I do not know what to do. Cali is crying with me.

    Thank you Cali.

    Please G-d may this be a sign from you; one that you are working on my miracle that I need. That you acknowledge today was more that it should have been. That in the next week or so sonething is coming to fruition for me.

    After today, I coukd see why unbalanced people would shootup their workplaces–if their bosses told them they are liars and made them out to be worthless and unvalued calling them liars and saying that the 7 years of dedication they sacrificed and put in means nothing … not that it is EVER right… I could see how these things happen.

    What does this all mean. What does it all mean.