Tag Archive | thoughts

OK life keeps happening and faster than I can turn out past posts to update.

Quick back story: please note this is not how I wanted to tell yall.

I am engaged.

Yes you read that right. Cassie is fucking engaged. For real life. MTV TRUE LIFE: I Am an Anorexic Who is Engaged.

Very mindfucking surreal. Derealization big time.

Anyways. The one thing of two I have dread the most about this whole wedding process is Ed’s voice and the combat that would ensue.

And when would it come up?

Two times to be exact: 1) wedding dress shopping and 2) walking down the aisle.

I do not….not want all eyes on me. People judging me. The dress makes me look fatter. Oh you see her juggling arms? She looks like a whore because I can see cleavage. Omg double chin?!

Honestly going naked sounds so much more appealing than the whole dress trying on.

My hand was forced and before I knew it there I was on 2.5mg of a benzodiazepam totally experiencing derealization.

Everyone else cries and is ecstatic and is pumped for this day. I’ve put it off for months. I cried going in. There is no “real dress moment” for me because none will make me feel pretty enough to be a bride. Ed and Edie are already on that.

I feel so unworthy. I watch as a skinny ass butch near me tries on the exact same dress I had on and of course she looks good. She has no books or hips. It fits perfect. She’s just having a joyous occasion. I’m trying to not cry.

Bridal gown shopping is not meant for girls/women with body image disorders. Period. And this needs to be fixed Stat.

I left exhausted and hating myself. I can’t deal with the world.

Of course I’m pmsing at the same time.

Fuck being a bride. Can I go toga?

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Let’s Call It A Comeback

While I’ve been crafting my multiple tales behind the scenes to release unto you [ooo so fancy sounding] life clearly keeps happening. Anorexia and anxiety don’t just disappear. Those who are cured I am disgustingly envious of.

Again, I am a lifer.

I may have learned to cope with it and how to “interact” with anorexia and anxiety, but I will never be cured. Alas, my only cure is death. And while I have begged for it at times and needed it as well, I could never do it.

I digress.

I have been struggling a lot lately with stress and eating. I’m doing decently in the sense I’m eating at least one meal a day. This is major for me. It’s not like I’m actively trying to avoid it; I have no hunger instinct so I can go a whole day without even noticing I have not consumed anything. It’s bad.

My job is unnecessarily stressful. A post to come. But I also have a new stress trigger that is really driving Ed’s voice into overdrive. It will come out in another post, but let’s just say there is an extreme amount of pressure on how I will look and eyes will be on me.

OH heyyy Ed! Edie, you’re here, too?! Omg it’s a party!!

Let’s throw in all that PTSD training trying to counteract all that. Mmmm joy.

A few months ago I was cleared to return to the gym. After 2 years of physical injury. And 1.5 years before that of restriction for therapy.

Just a reminder, I have hypergymnasia: I have spent excessive amounts of time at the gym in an attempt to lose weight. It was my purge. And when I go to the gym, I lose myself and all sense of time. It’s a total mindfuck to be honest.

The last time I was in a gym, ugh I was so unhealthy!!! I had just broken my ankle and shoulder. And I was at the gym running on the treadmill while in pain. That was 2 years ago OH SHIT TO THIS WEEK!!!

Well, I made plans with one of my besties to return to the gym. Part of my recovery contingencies [for life] is I’m not allowed to workout alone. We were supposed to go last week and again Monday.

I got so anxious I panicked and canceled.

Between the stress of work and this pressure to be thin, I did the healthy thing and did not go.

I know if I went, I would be starting under the wrong intentions and it would be downhill from there. My bestie knows everything that’s going on and has been so supportive.

So today we went. And I was so anxious. And scared.

I was worried I was too fat in the gym outfit I had. I was honestly fearful of the judgment by people at the gym. I was scared I would lose control. I was afraid I would spiral; that Ed would slide into control.

What I was most fearful of? My injuries being so bad that they would incapacitate me from doing the exercises I know and love. And I would have lost my identity.

Good news: the broken shoulder has healed enough through physical therapy that I was able to do the exercises I have done in the past!! I actually cried at the gym. The ankle has as well.

Bad news: I can’t turn off the hypergymnasia. My beastie turned to me and was like we have been here an hour time to go. I honestly thought it had been 10 minutes.

Absolutely no concept of time. It’s scary. I could end up hurting myself again. Breaking something. Or, as Eddie points out, getting fatter because I am working out too much without enough caloric intake.

I gain weight when I stop eating. I am am atypical anorexic due to years of anorexia and no formal treatment till my late twenties.

I feel disgusted by myself for feeling pleasure in the muscle burn and stamina I have. It’s not because I’m healthier than I thought but for the idea I can keep pushing myself harder.

But dammit, this is a massive comeback!! Literally years in the making.

Cassie is back at the gym. My happy place. Under supervision of a bestie. Without therapy support. Trying to do this the right way.

Here’s a big challenge!!

Where to Start?!

This is my return.

I’m overwhelmed with what to say. Like where to start.

There has been so many changes in my life over the past 7 months. I wanted to write as they happened. It helps me process and feel. Experience the moment as they say in DBT.

Thanks to fear and trying to protect my anonymity, I had to give time in-between some significant events so that I cannot be identified.

I have followed of you and am so proud of you. Your accomplishments and strides you are making. These struggles are so. Real.

I guess the first biggest struggle, which will be my first focus, is I completed, and graduated from the Trauma Therapy.

As in I had no choice they basically told me, in one month we are cutting you free because that’s the end goal. After 4 years of intensive therapy. To nothing.

Oooo plot twist?!

Discoveries

Cleaning pictures off my devices and found these that I made last fall.  I have some more I need to piece together. The joys of bed bound.

My validation strips.

   

 

Current Obsessions

Had a huge fight with PC last night. So much so I actually didn’t respond to his texts until this afternoon because I was still upset and needed space.

Which then just drives my anxiety and OCD behaviors forward.

Right now my obsessions are pretty high.

  • Organizing
  • Being organized
  • Cleaning
  • Everything having a place
  • Finding the perfect place for everything
  • Going minimalistic
  • Pinterest
  • Creating my Life Binder
  • My organization projects
  • Finishing books
  • Finishing projects
  • Reading
  • Sleeping
  • Running [can’t, injured]
  • Dying my hair [change]
  • List making

My organization projects:

  • Cards in a mini binder–have supplies 
  • Pictures in picture frames–almost complete
  • Tossing out hair products/ face washes/ shampoo/ conditioner and cleaning that all up–complete
  • Arranging zen candle display on mirror bases –ordered, create space and make it happen
  • Life Binder–have all papers and graphics in binder and sorted; need to fill them out
  • Rolodex–complete
  • Birthday card box–have the cards, have the birth dates, need to clean up who I deem worthy of sending a card to especially after this past year [all but a small handful neglected me and my birthday and I am done over extending myself].
  • DBT Card Flip–have idea and picture of it, have supplies
  • Sort jewelry 
  • Finish 10+ books I’ve started

    Running On Empty

    I’m still hurting. And I’m so scared that my ankle isn’t going to get better. Or my shoulder. 

    I feel like I keep getting blown off by my doctor regarding my pains.

    I am so frustrated that I cannot workout right now–I am going insane! 

    My anxiety is getting to the point where it is out of control again. My OCD is in high gear.

    Yes it works in some positive ways.

    I am cleaning hard core. I am getting super organized.

    But the negatives almost outweigh this.

    I’m obsessed. I am having serious compulsions. My thoughts don’t stop. I’m seriously physically exhausted from physical pain and anxiety combined. I have to finish things and now.

    I am meeting with my temporary therapist this Wednesday. Not sure all what she can do… She is a social worker. They claim she is specialized in eating disorders but I highly doubt it. She is a page filler until insurance sends us the list of approved providers for the year. Goodies.

    I almost feel this awkward hypomania starting. I keep fighting it because I can’t have that right now–I’ll end up really hurt.

    A ton of upcoming doctor appointments. Yay.

    Been still dealing with bullying at work–this one bitch straight up told me “find another job” for no reason at all. I pretty much started getting teary eyed. Just so over it! Can’t fight the bitch. Talked to my direct lead and this bitch has problem behavior. Fabulous. Can her ass. It’s not acceptable.

    But I should have learned by now my job endorses that bullshit.

    So another check mark for tired and stressed.

    Yet I keep volunteering. And trying for a social life.

    I want and need to read and sleep and relax and clean and organize.

    Too much.

    I’m on fumes and I’m barely there.

    Getting to Know Cassie

     

    1. What is your dream vacation? Disneyland, Las Vegas, Australia, Poland, beach, Disney World
    2. What is your favorite food? Italian. Pasta. Cheese. 
    3. What is your favorite candy? Really depends. Thanks to anorexia I go through phases. Sometimes I love chocolate, other times it’s red vines, the next candy makes me want to die.
    4. What is your favorite dessert? Legit cupcakes/cake/cake pops. But I can not eat them for awhile. I love lemon bars too.
    5. What is your favorite soda flavor? I do not drink soda, but have been known to crack for A&W root beer.
    6. What is your favorite thing to do in your spare time? Dance. Read. Sleep. Make lists. Organize. Pinterest.
    7. What’s your worst fear? Not being good enough/food/abandonment/judgment/being fat
    8. If you were a Disney character, who would you be? I’m not sure. Sleeping beauty or Cinderella.
    9. How many times have you moved? A bit. But not as much as I should have.
    10. What is something spectacular you have done? Depends on people’s definition. Dated A list stars. Saved lives. Survived when the odds are against me. 
    11. What can you tell us that no one knows about you? I hate myself. I doubt I’ll ever be good enough.
    12. Indoors or outdoors? Outdoors.
    13. Soup or salad? Soup–no chewing needed.
    14. Tea or coffee? Teas.
    15. What is your favorite animal? Orca. 
    16. What is your favorite vacation? The one disconnected from the world and societal expectations.
    17. What is your favorite ice cream? Chocolate Peanut butter. Vanilla. Cookie dough. 
    18. What is your favorite sport? Dance. To watch: hockey, college football, gymnastics.
    19. What is your favorite vegetable? Lettuce. 
    20. What is your favorite fruit? Bananas and apples.