Tag Archive | thoughts

Discoveries

Cleaning pictures off my devices and found these that I made last fall.  I have some more I need to piece together. The joys of bed bound.

My validation strips.

   

 

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Current Obsessions

Had a huge fight with PC last night. So much so I actually didn’t respond to his texts until this afternoon because I was still upset and needed space.

Which then just drives my anxiety and OCD behaviors forward.

Right now my obsessions are pretty high.

  • Organizing
  • Being organized
  • Cleaning
  • Everything having a place
  • Finding the perfect place for everything
  • Going minimalistic
  • Pinterest
  • Creating my Life Binder
  • My organization projects
  • Finishing books
  • Finishing projects
  • Reading
  • Sleeping
  • Running [can’t, injured]
  • Dying my hair [change]
  • List making

My organization projects:

  • Cards in a mini binder–have supplies 
  • Pictures in picture frames–almost complete
  • Tossing out hair products/ face washes/ shampoo/ conditioner and cleaning that all up–complete
  • Arranging zen candle display on mirror bases –ordered, create space and make it happen
  • Life Binder–have all papers and graphics in binder and sorted; need to fill them out
  • Rolodex–complete
  • Birthday card box–have the cards, have the birth dates, need to clean up who I deem worthy of sending a card to especially after this past year [all but a small handful neglected me and my birthday and I am done over extending myself].
  • DBT Card Flip–have idea and picture of it, have supplies
  • Sort jewelry 
  • Finish 10+ books I’ve started

    Running On Empty

    I’m still hurting. And I’m so scared that my ankle isn’t going to get better. Or my shoulder. 

    I feel like I keep getting blown off by my doctor regarding my pains.

    I am so frustrated that I cannot workout right now–I am going insane! 

    My anxiety is getting to the point where it is out of control again. My OCD is in high gear.

    Yes it works in some positive ways.

    I am cleaning hard core. I am getting super organized.

    But the negatives almost outweigh this.

    I’m obsessed. I am having serious compulsions. My thoughts don’t stop. I’m seriously physically exhausted from physical pain and anxiety combined. I have to finish things and now.

    I am meeting with my temporary therapist this Wednesday. Not sure all what she can do… She is a social worker. They claim she is specialized in eating disorders but I highly doubt it. She is a page filler until insurance sends us the list of approved providers for the year. Goodies.

    I almost feel this awkward hypomania starting. I keep fighting it because I can’t have that right now–I’ll end up really hurt.

    A ton of upcoming doctor appointments. Yay.

    Been still dealing with bullying at work–this one bitch straight up told me “find another job” for no reason at all. I pretty much started getting teary eyed. Just so over it! Can’t fight the bitch. Talked to my direct lead and this bitch has problem behavior. Fabulous. Can her ass. It’s not acceptable.

    But I should have learned by now my job endorses that bullshit.

    So another check mark for tired and stressed.

    Yet I keep volunteering. And trying for a social life.

    I want and need to read and sleep and relax and clean and organize.

    Too much.

    I’m on fumes and I’m barely there.

    Getting to Know Cassie

     

    1. What is your dream vacation? Disneyland, Las Vegas, Australia, Poland, beach, Disney World
    2. What is your favorite food? Italian. Pasta. Cheese. 
    3. What is your favorite candy? Really depends. Thanks to anorexia I go through phases. Sometimes I love chocolate, other times it’s red vines, the next candy makes me want to die.
    4. What is your favorite dessert? Legit cupcakes/cake/cake pops. But I can not eat them for awhile. I love lemon bars too.
    5. What is your favorite soda flavor? I do not drink soda, but have been known to crack for A&W root beer.
    6. What is your favorite thing to do in your spare time? Dance. Read. Sleep. Make lists. Organize. Pinterest.
    7. What’s your worst fear? Not being good enough/food/abandonment/judgment/being fat
    8. If you were a Disney character, who would you be? I’m not sure. Sleeping beauty or Cinderella.
    9. How many times have you moved? A bit. But not as much as I should have.
    10. What is something spectacular you have done? Depends on people’s definition. Dated A list stars. Saved lives. Survived when the odds are against me. 
    11. What can you tell us that no one knows about you? I hate myself. I doubt I’ll ever be good enough.
    12. Indoors or outdoors? Outdoors.
    13. Soup or salad? Soup–no chewing needed.
    14. Tea or coffee? Teas.
    15. What is your favorite animal? Orca. 
    16. What is your favorite vacation? The one disconnected from the world and societal expectations.
    17. What is your favorite ice cream? Chocolate Peanut butter. Vanilla. Cookie dough. 
    18. What is your favorite sport? Dance. To watch: hockey, college football, gymnastics.
    19. What is your favorite vegetable? Lettuce. 
    20. What is your favorite fruit? Bananas and apples.

    Meet Edie

    I’ve been having the weirdest sensation lately: two Ed’s voices.

    I have my usual Ed’s voice reminding I’m fat and not to eat. That starving feels better. How great thin tastes blah blah blah.

    And right now I have a sprouted counter Ed’s voice. Bear with me on this one.

    I’d like to introduce you.

    This voice, Edie’s voice, still has the same ulterior motive: lose weight. The same intensity and obsession. The food thoughts.

    Unlike Ed’s voice, Edie’s voice recognizes that I have been losing weight and it is because I have been eating. So Edie pushes me to keep eating strictly to lose weight no other purpose. The obsession still lies on fat fears.

    So there is 

    • Me. My rationale of eat and eat healthy. I need to eat to lose weight appropriately because my body needs nutrition. That weight gain indicates that I’ve been starving. I need to be wise minded and fight anorexia.
    • Ed’s voice. Fear of being fat. Fear of food. Severely irrational. Compulsions to rid body of fat even through means of cutting/scratching/grabbing. Need to escape. Feelings of worthlessness and not deserving of food and pleasure. Starving is comfortable and the only way.
    • Edie’s voice. Fear of being fat. Compulsion to lose weight. Not satisfied. Uncomfortable eating but desire to be thin and knowledge that eating leads to weight loss wins over and overpowers. Middle irrational–eating but for all the wrong reasons. Still thought obsessed with weight and appearances. Still feeling unworthy.

    This is now my head: a three way pull. Sometimes I feel like I’m battling schizophrenia inside my head. Sometimes I’m losing the way.

    Ok I’ve lost the way let’s be honest.

    I still get ecstatic when PC is gone because I perceive that I am thinner and lose more weight when he is away. So irrational.

    I know, rationally, I have lost weight. But there is so much to go. And I have Ed and Edie fighting for control.

    Because that is not stressing.

    And Thanksgiving is on Thursday. And there is that pull again.

    It stresses me out so much it makes me physically exhausted!

    I just want Cherry.

    Pause

    There have been some ongoing events lately that should be joyous.

    I had been looking forward to sharing them with yall.

    Unfortunately, the bullying and harassment at work by my boss, underboss, and coworkers has just gotten to be too much. I have literally given up because I cannot handle it anymore.

    I know that I am a very strong individual, but the fact that my boss wants to ride me till I die and his actions to prove it yesterday is too much for me.

    I had horrible thoughts and self harm came up. I have been vomiting from the stress again. PC spent 2 hours on the phone last night making me promise him not to do anything self harming.

    I could never commit suicide–it is against ny religion and beliefs.

    But the anxiety and tension are so out of control Ativan is doing nothing. Self harm seems like the only outlet.

    I do not want to lose followers for that. This is not my proudest moment. It is my weakest moment.

    Today I have been on the phone all day with my therapy team and doctor. We decided that it is best that I am pulled from work this weekend. It is best for my health.

    I have to get through till Monday and then we go from there again.

    I can seriously see how these teens kill themselves over bullying–it is horrible! Can’t hurt people back, lose energy, lose yourself.

    I am a fighter so I die everytime I have to take it from my boss.

    Thankfully I am not being admitted to psych so yes. Just PC obs on me with frequent calls from the team and our plan.

    For that reason, I am pausing all my blogging and challenges–I want to be in the right frame of mind as well as everything is too much right now.

    I am so sorry.

    To be continued hopefully Monday.