Tag Archive | toxic

A Pocket Full of Fails

Well it’s just how it feels.

And will keep feeling as long as I’m in my invalidating and toxic work environment.

Funny how I flit from one toxicity to the next.

I tried to leave for the better to only end up worse. Ya, it was possible. At least here I’m not throwing up and crying before shifts. Maybe because I’m so numb?

Well, needless to say, by chance of miracles or what, I landed an interview recently.

I feel like it was due in part to a favor to my mother but I’m grateful nonetheless! For it was an interview in a position I’m trained for.

I nailed the phone interview. Felt rock solid. And I usually rock interviews. Never have had an issue.

I always get the offer in the end….it’s just the whole wait for a contract that was promised and it never come.

Well, the timing of this couldn’t be better. Everything is spiraling at work and no amount of DBT skills can salvage.

Yet when I had the interview, face to face, I just feel like I failed. Like I was throwing fails around by fistfuls out of my pockets.

My answers were not as solid as I usually have them. I couldn’t focus it.

I couldn’t sell myself.

Especially when:

“Your resume is very impressive, seriously, but I see here you were licensed in xx so how come you have not held a job [using said license]”

OK too complex to get into it on here without giving away a lot of identifiers… But just know this… No it is not me. Basically society fucking sucks and so does the economy. My resume would make you vomit because it’s so impressive.

But I sacrificed everything and couldn’t get the job because I wclearly as the wrong place wrong time. And in some cases, had some employers tell me I was too fat [while they had 100lbs on me] yes it’s illegal but California gets away with a looooot of shit mang.

I also had to keep working to pay, you know, bills? I have never had anyone to take care of me like that. But California apparently expected that.  It’s ridiculous. It’s ludicrous.

Thus my job intimidated others because they thought I’d be bored….

Why doesn’t anyone ask me?!

Wellllll here I sit. I had to delicately and politely answer the question. With couth. Head held high as I was yet again reminded of allll the times I was never good enough.

I walked out just knowing that when I needed something the most, again, I failed. I can’t have it.

And all because someone does not believe in me.

Again.

Stay tuned I have not been officially rejected it’s just how I’m feeling. Don’t want to get my hopes up because I would be beyond devastated to lose it again.

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Not Pretty: Moving

Not really sure how I feel.

Glad PC saw how my dad was a total asshole.

Sad that PC saw it.

Embarrassed that PC saw me weak.

Saw how my father and parents have refused to help me at all with my move process and then outright refuse to come with me the day of my move.

I don’t understand why I’m not good enough. I can’t figure it out at all. Like wtf goes through their heads as parents?

They said they would pay for my moving truck.

Nope.

Both times my delinquent sister moved, my parents: paid, emotionally helped, and physically helped. They were all over it. They bought her things for the move; for her new place.

Same as my other sister. Paid for her stuff too.

But me? The oldest who strives for everything and perfection and has pretty much damn achieved it compared to her siblings?!

Nothing.

No offers to do laundry. No help packing boxes. Not even interested in seeing the new place.

My mother faked sick and stayed home one day to watch. Nothing else. Stresses me out more.

The negative commentary and critiquing.

I cried in front of PC. I lost it. I cracked.

I need out.

I can’t be in this toxic environment anymore. Where I’m told I look fat or pregnant. Where I’m yelled at and belittled. Where I have to cower and am a victim so that I don’t start shit or step on toes. Not buying food because my mother says it’s a waste of my money I need to save it. Too old for that shit.

So I’m lying here, in my bare bones childhood bedroom, and I don’t know how I feel. All my safety items are packed. So glad to leave these toxic people behind. So scared of the unknown. Where all the food places are. Where all my safe places are. All the backstreets.

So ready to start over; start my life. It’s like college all over again. Except this time I’m not letting the guilt of this toxic family bring me back to save them. They’ve ruined and destroyed enough of my life. They don’t support me. Positive vibes only.

Probably why I’m feeling so anxious right now even with the Ativan on board.

Tomorrow’s  the day. Tomorrow is officially the start to my real recovery. I’ve lost one of my major excuses.

Lying here looking at all the old memories, I’m ready to let go but so sad for it to go. A lot of comfort in the past because we know what happened. But living in the past is Depression.

I just want to be loved. For who I am and what I offer.

It’s That Time–Attempting a Comeback [Pictures]

Here is the scrubs drawer. With the last pair of scrub butts [that’s what I call them but they are scrub bottoms] in it before I pull them out.

And here is the drawer: all happy, positive, radiant, vibing good energy!! On the left side are my gym/dance tops and the right side my running tops. This just makes me so damn happy you have NO idea.

I feel like an Old Navy spokesperson and advertisement because uh yeah all my tops are Old Navy active… And so are my gym shorts and running shorts and pants. I love their active line! Cute, comfy, supportive, durable, and most importantly affordable!! And it comes in plus sizes up to 3x maybe even 4x. Yes ladies that is real life.

 

 

 

No, I was not endorsed or given anything by Old Navy to say what I just said, but I would gladly accept something considering how much I buy from them 😀

 

So there is my comeback. And yes please call it that! I love to be filling my life back up with the things that I love and seeing my Old Navy Active workout clothes gives me my happy vibes and excitement of times to come!

I feel my PLUR! 💖

It’s That Time–Attempting a Comeback [Explanation]

Guess what my amazing and loyal readers?!?! I am attempting a comeback to my photo challenge!! I hate that I had to stop.

For those of you just tuning in, I have been dealing with workplace violence–harassment and bullying from my boss[es], peers, coworkers, well all levels. I just took it because I needed the money and health insurance.

In a nutshell: I finally saw freedom–was/am making a lateral move to another department which impacts my ego but it is out of the toxic environment I am in [so bad that about 20 people have left in the past year….yuuuup] –my boss who is resigning still had to make his mark and refused my two weeks notice–then stated that he would be renegotiating my transfer date–I saw my freedom slip away–I lost it–I nearly self harmed–PC my amazing boyfriend in addition to my amazing therapy team kept me safe and out of the hospital for the weekend–my therapy team and Doctor pulled me off work for the weekend–I was so stressed which why I wanted to self harm but I had not slept in a week–I was so anxious and overwhelmed [no not depressed] I could not shower or do anything but panic and cry– I got prescription for Ambien–I spent last weekend with PC–I have been slowly getting sleep back–which in turn is decreasing my anxiety–which in turn is helping me manage my anorexia and keep me from involuntarily stress vomit–and I still have no idea when I am transferring and I work tomorrow.

Ya that was a lot. So anyways with the Ambien and a day of just sleeping all. Day. I have finally started to calm done, cope, and gain energy.

Which meant slowly returning to normalcy.

I am binge shopping though which is not good.

Like bargain shopping on designer purses. Ugh. The Jew in me cannot resist a good deal!! Dammit!!!

I have however been cleaning.  

A lot.

I had to make room for my new work clothes.

I have worn gym clothes, jeans, and scrubs for 8 years. Actually much longer. This is the first time in my life that I have to wear business casual. So I needed to make room for that.  

At the same time, I wanted to make a drawer for my running clothes, gym clothes, and dance clothes. All require different clothes. Especially when you are fat.

I ended up getting rid of some gym shorts to make room for ones that made me feel confident.

I also decided to have my two drawers be bottoms and tops: gym on the left, running on the right. I already have my dance drawer so I tidied that up.

What does this all mean?

After years of having a scrubs drawer filled with awkward underwear dedicated for scrubs and sports bras because you get to be comfy in scrubs, I am ending this chapter of my life.

This is huge.

This job was my favorite place to be. I used to countdown going to work. I still love my patients and some of my doctors. And I will miss the trauma excitement–ohhh that rush!

But I will not miss what it has become in the past 4 years. The toxicity. Friends turning on friends. Isolation. People spreading false rumors and gossip. Throwing you under the bus to protect themselves. The lies and manipulation. The laziness. My positivity being a negative thing.

No one should leave each shift and cry.

No one should constantly fear for the safety of their patients.

I’ve lost my fight. I’ve lost my energy. This job literally killed me.

So I was ecstatic to clean out that scrubs drawer and put in my gym and running tops! I felt the biggest weight lift. I feel like a bitch because I am so happy and want to brag that I am putting in my new positive life in that drawer instead. My 5k training and *hopefully* healthy gym exercising.

Total catharsis.

Now for the pictures. See the next post. :]

Thanks for baring with me through the past few weeks. It has been rough is truly an understatement.

xOxOx Cassïe

Cheese Factor: Nacho

Okay this is super cheesy, but I am really ecstatic to say I have 100 followers!!

Thank you to all of you who find what I write and post interesting enough to subscribe!

And a bigger thanks to those of you who interact with comments, likes, and reblogs!! ❤

You have no idea how much all of this means to me!!

Literally, it has been a huge goal of mine for the past 2 years! Thanks for making this happen!

I set out to blog to share my voice on eating disorders so people could hear the struggle.

I still aim to do that and I hope that it has proven educational, helpful, and a close human element. That human face to the silent and lonely struggle that kills.

I am an open book.

I do not EVER promote proana or promia material.

I do apologize if my struggles have ever been triggering to anyone. But this is me: Cassie.

This is Cassie and Ed’s voice.

As I continue to blog, I hope to add a few things to my experiences with anorexia.

I will stick with my weekly list challenge and try to keep up with my daily photo challenge. I still encourage others to join!! I would like to incorporate in some research that is healthcare based as well as topics as suggested by you, my readers.

Anything y’all want to hear? Please comment! Or shoot me an email or kik.

I still want to promote community and am here as myself; flaws and all.

Contact me:

•Email: soundofedsvoice@gmail.com

•Kik: CassiexEdsxVoice

To another 100 followers, whenever it might happen! I am grateful for all of you! love you ❤

in it together

Cässïë

Shutting Down

I am.

I am having the cravings to get drunk again. I am house sitting this weekend so maybe I will. Just…escape.

No one notices me losing myself. Getting lost in it all.

Suck it up, Cassie. Don’t let them see you falter. That’s what they have been telling me.

Tonight PC told me he is tired of how all our phone conversations lately [literally the past week] have ended up negative.

He kept saying he felt like I was hiding things and wanted me to open up more. So I did.

My life is fucked up. It’s everything but sunshine and daisies.

I choose to be positive because if I focused on reality and its negativity well I’d have fucking really killed myself back in high school.

So I’m in the middle of a horrific situation with work; very toxic. Very invalidating, very bullying. I have been puking and crying every day for two weeks now.

Then I’m at home with my usual invalidation of family.

Just can’t escape it. There on all fronts.

So excuuuuse me for not wanting to be fake and hide everything from my boyfriend who complains that I do.

Man I am such a bitch.

Not really sure what to do.

Two fucks aren’t given towards me right now.

“Everyone has their problems” and while I sacrificed myself for everyone else and their problems, no one seems to care to ask if I’m ok with my crisis. They all disappeared.

Cockroaches when the lights come on.

Should have known better.

So ya. I am shutting down. And maybe I will drown my problems in alcohol.

I deserve an escape from my life. It’s beyond fucked up. Can’t make my life up or the shit I see and experience.

A toast: to what is probably the beginning of the end of my relationship with PC, to escaping me for a little bit, to being able to shut down, to being selfish and focusing on me.

I can’t win anyways.

I Survived…I Think?

I am so grateful to be in bed right now.

I survived the work week.  

I did not go off on people.

I utilized some of my skills I learned in DBT group to keep myself in some state of balance.

The biggest one would have to be not listening to rap, R&B, or hip hop music. I love those styles. It boosts my confidence. It also reminds me to tell people to fuck off. Literally. It brings out my hood side. Not necessarily in a good way when I am already emotionally volatile.

So I practiced awareness and avoided it. As well as sad music so I would not cry anymore.

Even though I craved it. Hard.

*     *      *      *      * 

Tomorrow I am supposed to see Cherry.

She has absolutely no clue what happened this past week.

I debated emailing her a heads up. But then again she did pawn me off on to Pati. Coaching Calls. But I hate doing that and imposing. Against my nature.

Thus, the assignment Cherry gave me is not done.

‘Twas barely a thought.

Ok well I thought about it. How I was supposed to do it. How it stressed me out that I had not done it. How it stressed me out to do it; that it might reflect me as a fat ass.

Yes. She has reinstated the dreaded Food Log with Emotion/Feelings. I despise it. A reminder of how I binge.

Sure it probably is all subjective bingeing. Except today’s… Over the course of the entire day I had 2 donuts, 2 shakes, grilled cheese, protein bar with soy [my version of a laxative], some garlic fries, chocolate milk shake. Fucking horribly unhealthy. And truly not bad in terms of food eaten in a 16hour period. But it feels like I ate it all in one sitting. Because it was at work. Regret.

That is why I have to do the damn log again.

But I know Pati can justify why I didn’t recreate the journal and fill it out. It’s a legit excuse. I’ve been in crisis survival mode for months now but it’s just plain survival mode while drowning now. Barely staying afloat.

Never thought this would be my life again.

Now how to tell Pati my anxiety is too high and while she talked me into our meeting I have to skip it: same exact time as reigstration for my first ever 5k. And of course it is one of the most popular and hugh demanded races. It goes fast. Yiu have to be on the computer and prepared to wait there in case you miss by a millisec and must wait for ofhers to finish before you.

Yet Pati convinced me a few days ago to come in; to do it in her computer. But I just cannot take any chances with timing and my shitty luck. Oops.

To anxiety! And it pulling me from professional help to run a race!