I still hurt. And have arm weakness. Pretty sure I fractured my ankle. Am allergic to the med for the pain. Was a rough week because it all just crumbled around me.
And I’m feeling extremely fat. Pretty sure I’m gaining weight. Find myself easily restricting and not noticing again.
hating my life in all of those senses.
This past week I started my new job which meant a whole new group of people.
besides wearing real clothes that show my body instead of scrubs which can hide it. Yuck. Ed’s voice has been having a field day with that obe. So stressful. Anyways.
There is no little lounge to eat at–most eat at their desks; around each other. It’s that or eat right outside in the hallway where passerbyers see you.
Well Ed’s voice has me freaking out about what I eat and eating in front of new people. So I opt for the latter option and eat in the hallway. It is nice to have the sunshine. It sucks that I do not get privacy or quiet time. I miss that about my old job.
And everyone is uber healthy in my new job. So I’m feeling paranoid and fat with my snacks. I do not want them to see what I eat. If I eat.
I ordered snacks today off of Amazon so that I will have some alternatives. And it is subscribed so it is consistently delivered–no excuses for lack of food. A helpful way to fight Ed’s voice. If Amazon only knew….
Ed’s voice has been pestering me that I’m a fat ass and I can’t eat anything right. That I eat crap. That I am showing how fat I am when I eat. That all are judging me by my food choices. That I do not deserve to eat…at all.
I thought about what I ate last week and fought Ed’s voice. My snacks were actually decent. All I consumed were shakes, protein style granola bars, and chewy bars. Sometimes but packs. Sometimes fruit snacks. Pretty damn good.
But it was food.
Fuck I really need Cherry.
And I need to do the food diary until I get a therapist. This struggle blows. I didn’t even recognize Ed’s voice.
So now I have more buts, granola bars, pop chips, Annie’s snack packs, and protein bars coming. Oh and shakes. Building up to more meals and better meals.
It’s so fucking hard.
And to do this on my own.
Ed’s voice is really hard to battle.
I need Cherry.