Archive | September 2014

Ed’s Voice is SO Twisted

SO twisted!!

As established in my self description, I am a different kind of anorexic. The honest to goodness fat kind. And not just because I perceive it that way–like medically am. I’m 5″6′ and my best guess is I am still around 200lbs but more like 215lbs.

Anyways, quick recap. If you follow my blog, skip this paragraph.

I have relapsed several times but only twice so hard I’ve nearly died. The second time was caught in May of 2013. I never had real recovery to deal with my issues from my initial diagnosis when I was 18. From that, my bad habits of starving myself stuck. My body was smart and caught on–storing all food I did consume as fat because I had no consistency and my metabolism was all jacked up. My body was like that of those starving children you see. So basically at this point, for me to be able to actually lose weight, I have to eat.

So the anorexic in me haaaates food. I cannot emphasize it enough. I hate food. I force myself to eat. I have accepted that I will die from anorexia and I never thought I’d live past 35 years of age. Yaaa Cherry doesn’t like that. Working on it.

Well as with all anorexics, the rule of thumb is you never comment on their weight loss as it encourages them to not eat.

But I am different.

I am backwards.

Telling me I look like I’m losing weight encourages me to keep eating.

I hate it so much and it is sooo draining. Tiring. Exhausting. I want to vomit all the time.

But hearing those words now: your legs look great; your thighs are slimming down; those scrubs don’t do your legs justice… They encourage me to keep eating.

My mom said just that to me tonight. And I heard Ed’s voice being like, Awwww ya stroke this ego!! I was like looking at my legs and calves. Pinching my fat. Reveling in this moment of positive words from my mother–so few and far between [she doesn’t think I have any eating disorders or issues]. I hate that this is what I get from her. My lack of validation in my life makes Cherry tear up and angry. But I try and take it where I get it. But back to the weight loss point.

Cherry and I had a blunt honest talk about it. If I want to lose weight I actually have to eat. It all makes sense. My medical side can tell you exactly why she’s accurate.

It is Ed’s Voice that changes the game. That even against all I know [shit I am down to a size XL] I can still feel the pull and hear Ed’s voice replaying over and over again.

Eating is gross. Eating makes you fat. Just dance it all off. Imagine doing dance and not eating all day–you’d be anorexic looking! Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

Well the last one unfortunately holds true for me. I really don’t like the taste of food. Most of the time I don’t even notice if it has a taste. I notice the consistency and that is what can make me vomit or pass out.

So how do I convince my little support team that I need to hear I’m losing weight to encourage me to keep eating, when all the literature [especially the stuff I have given them] says not to say anything about my weight or looks? To not place value in it?

I understand that we are trying to break the norm and value of weight equalling my life successes and my personal value based on how I look. I do get it.

But right now, I need to hear that me forcing myself to eat, forcing discomfort on myself on a bidaily [at this point] basis, has results and is worth it.

Because if it’s not, I’m going back to the comfort.

And Ed’s Voice is hard to battle as it is.

Be Like A Duck

My head is all jumbly tonight. Just a lot going on.

And for once I think the whole DBT and CBT is stating to work because when I was at work today I just didn’t give a fluff about the bull and drama. Not in a hopeless way, but in a “I’m a duck and I’m letting the water roll off my back” kind of way.

Ps ducks have been my strong animal throughout all my struggles. I heard it in school and it really stuck.

Be like a duck: let the water roll off your back.

Be like a duck: look calm on the surface and kick like hell under the water.

Maybe it’s also because they love bread like I do. And their favorite snack is cheese and quackers… Haaaaa.

Adventures in food and guilt *self-harm trigger warning*


Earlier, I tried to eat an apple.

I failed.

I can’t eat apples whole. When I was a teen, I had braces and if I tried biting off of the whole apple, my brackets popped off, so I started cutting my apples into slices. I had braces for a couple years, so this was years of having to cut my apples.

My disordered brain latched on to this, and I haven’t been able to eat an un-cut apple since.

Well, earlier, I went out to get the one piece of food in the house that belongs to me: one apple. However, my youngest brother was sleeping on the sofa (a story for another post) and has to be up early for work so I was trying very hard not to make noise. Our cupboards have latches on them and will NOT open or close quietly, so I wasn’t able to…

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Fell Off the Bandwagon…

…Thanks Ed.

I fell off the bandwagon yet again.

Visiting family was an epiphany. I realized where my fear of judgement comes from. After deep discussions and an extended session with Cherry, it has been established I need to avoid my family. They make me feel worthless, hopeless, ashamed. All things I naturally feel and can contribute back to them.

So this week is trying to jump back up and on with my life.

As if that’s easy…

To be continued…