Because Some People Are Just

fucked.

No matter what I do. No matter how optimistic. No matter how paranoid or superstitious  I am [wearing a perceived lucky belly button ring]. No matter how genuinely kind, considerate, compassionate I am. No matter how much good I have put into the world because I think it is the right thing to do not because I do it as a trade off. No matter that I suffer from anorexia and 5738194 issues.

I still cannot win at life.

No. I did not get the job.

I did not get the call while I was on my Disney trip. On the day she swore by. As the hours ticked by, my heart cracked. I had gotten my heart set on it. It felt different. I was convinced this was it. 2015 is my year: things will happen for ME!!

FUCK it is happening for everyone else who has suffered less atrocities in life in my life. Why can I not have this ONE?!??!

So we head back to the hotel for a nap and I check my email…because I have learned human nature dictates they call with good news, email bad news. And there it was. The director wants someone with a little more experience.

I could not even drink because the damn plane trip triggered the positional vertigo in my head. Fabulous. I couldn’t cry because my family is there.

And one does not simply cry at the happiest place on Earth.

PC was amazing and supportive.

I developed a huge rash all over my body because I forgot how allergic I am to pretty much all sunscreens. Then the heat made it worse. Sexy. 

Cindy doesn’t want to talk to me unless it is positive like Disney was this amazing positive experience–not what I had: my grown adult sister throwing child temper tantrums because she does not get her way several times a day. Then my mom following suit.

I have anorexia. I have limited safe foods and places to eat. Fuck Cassie. I finally got the courage to basically tell them to fuck off and do the parks on my own. So scary for me. So proud of me for doing it on my own for the first time ever. So sad it happened this way. My dad realized how ridic they were and would join me about an hour later. Just so juvenille. Clearly not what Cindy wanted to hear.

Sorry my life is not picture perfect like everyone thinks it should be? Or like how I glossed it over for 28 years?

Yay for an upcoming birthday?

My light is gone. My purpose is gone. It was my last hope. I am running out of money thanks to my boss switching my hours and making it impossible for me to leave.

And all the while things keep getting worse.

I kept trying to stay positive before being like, “this is G-d giving me the last bits of negative before this amazing nursing job positive where I can finally have money and afford food and healthcare, leave my family behind, rely on no one ever, and leave the toxicity of my job and family!!”

Sick joke.

Some people are just fucked. No matter who they are and what they do.

I can see why depressed people end their lives. What’s the point of living if you know your life is on repeat–destined to watch cruel cheaters get what you deserve? No matter your interventions.

Too bad I am Jewish and I could never do it knowing how the Holocast took the lives from those who wanted it so bad. I just could not dishonor them nor dishonor all those who die so early.

In Sickness

I have quite a bit to say.

I had my interview. I wanted to discuss how that went. How they told me they want to hire me but next week they will call officially. How I was ecstatic because I felt like for the first time in years people saw me for me and appreciated me for me.

Discuss how PC came to take me out to dinner to celebrate the accomplishment of getting an interview–and brought flowers!! A total keeper!!

That as PC and I were leaving we ran into my mom where she told me a story that is so fucked up I am still so agitated by it. This story is about my current institution seriously using and abusing me to the point of fradulently taking credit for me. It is quite a story.

To discuss how my mom told me that while this job might really want me, the institution they fall under might not allow them to hire me because I am a new grad RN who falls out of the one year mark and thus does not meet their criteria–no matter how amazing I am. Or how bad this department wants me. So I cannot get my hopes up too high because even though they want me politics could once again come and fuck me. Nothing is real until the contract is signed.

But I am sick.

AGAIN

I am convinced I had a sinus infection previously  that caused the “positional vertigo” a few weeks back. And now thanks to the stress of everything, it has all caught up to me.

I caught myself having had nothing but a forced shaked the day of the interview. Sick and tired. And anxious obvi.

Then last night it hit hard. Pounding headache. Congested sinuses. Blocked ears.

I am so damn tired of being sick!!! I want to be healthy so I have energy to blog about the aforementioned things in detail!! To have energy!

Today I drank 5 liters of water and peed probably 6 times.

I cannot be sick before my big Disney trip!!!!!!!!

But in sickness I must keep going. Nothing ever stops.

Because when we have an eating disorder, we are always sick, aren’t we?

Sick to our stomach–or so we tell people so we will not eat.

Sick to our stomach because we are refeeding.

Sick from malnutrition.

Sick from the voices in our heads telling us we are not good enough and never will be.

Sick of how we are treated but never allowed to have an opinion.

Just plain sick.

But we always carry on. Because we are always in sickness.

Always in sickness but never in health.

Left Field

That is where this came from. Left field.

Thanks to my positional vertigo, I haven’t had much time to wallow in the misery that is my life. It hasn’t afforded me that chance.  Specifically, it hasn’t allowed me to get really depressed over the loss of the nursing job prospect and being screwed yet again by this institution and being stuck in my toxic wasteland. I’ve been too busy fighting the nausea, headaches, and dizziness. Oh and apparently picking a huge fight with PC which thankfully he realizes I’m just stressed out of my mind….literally…. And I’m combusting.

So when I received a phone call today askIng me to interview for a nursing position, I basically peed my pants.

Back it up.

My mom is a nurse. Our relationship is well huh. Hmm. Anyways I was surprised to hear her admit last night that she is concerned about my food intake especially my protein to which I replied oh now you are. I’ve been in treatment for two years now.

She originally refused to help me get a nursing job. I was stubborn wanting no ones help because I want to owe her nothing. But as the economy sucks and the state of nursing sucks even more for nurses in this state, after 2 years of multiple promises of jobs with no contractual follow through, I turned to her for help and she refused. Enter anorexia.

Well now she has decided to help. She saw a colleague of hers who works in a different department and I guess was venting about how she was upset how the institution keeps screwing me. Side note, they have yet to tell me my program is cancelled but my mom who inquired using sob story and connections found out it is. The lady was really pissed off and asked for my resume after hearing of my accolades, achievements, and credentials [trust me when I say my resume would make you vomit]. She wanted to talk to the clinic’s nurse manager about taking me on and training me. 

Well my mom told me about this and I’m appreciative of her efforts. I did not think much of it because it’s still within my institution and it all sounds amazing but nothing ever seems to come of it. 

But today was different. Today I got the call. The call for an interview. And a “please apply for the position as well” so it can be official. They know my status. It is a procedure clinic and they want to train me. They are looking forward to meeting me! 

I haven’t felt like a real human being in the interview process in well never!!! I have always been treated like a worthless being. That is nursing and its state right now because they can. Minimal new grad jobs and hundreds of thousands of applicants. They can be so picky: I’ve been told I’m too fat, too blonde, too pretty. I actually dyed my hair brown because I was tired of the blonde remarks. Is this legal? Hell no. Can they get away with it? Yup they have options. 

See where my anorexia and the fuel for Ed’s voice came from? People are so cruel. 

All it takes is one person believing in me. That’s it. 

This interview means the world to me. It has quadrupled my confidence already. I’m still skeptical because it’s too good to be true. I’m a realist. I’ve been hurt too much and can’t afford devastating heartbreak again.

PC said he was carrying the excitement on this one. It is out of left field so why can’t we act as such?

Fingers crossed. Juju going!!! The interview is later this week!!!!!

Shoutout to Grainne xOxOx  

I’m Ready to Talk

It has been one hellacious week. 

Because suffering from anorexia isn’t bad enough. Along with all the other behavioral and mental health struggles [see my pages].

I started the week pretty well I guess. Tried to get everything off my chest about what to do since Cherry is leaving for a month-she is getting married. I’m so excited for her!! Granted I’m left in a lurch but this will give me a good idea how dependent on her I really am. Maybe I don’t need her and can break away. 

We parted on: if you get the interviews it means you get the job yay! If not, we pull you and put you on medical leave of absence. Cool. No more toxic work where I want to kill and hurt myself at work. Where they tell me I’m worthless there. Sounds good. So I’m thinking I’ll go back to intensives with her where we do food exposures. Keep up with 3 days, maybe add another.

Her plan? Oh she casually mentions sending me to an eating disorder treatment program. Ya know, where they eat meals together in the evenings. 5 days a week. 

Hold the fucking phone. 

I just completed my one year of group, as agreed upon, so I wouldn’t have to go to an eating disorder treatment facility. 

We argued extensively over it originally and it ended with it would only get worse because I’m the fat anorexic and I will trigger patients. Just what they need. Just what my rejected barely understood ego needs.

My current food struggles are stress related and anxiety driven. And throwing me in those programs will make me so self conscious I will ultimately relapse there and not eat. Seems ass backwards but I know myself and they would be detrimental to me. I will not fit in to their eating programs. I already don’t fit into the mold of an anorexic so I won’t fit into the mold for treatment plans. I’d be happy with the shakes.

But shipping me halfway across the state?! 

Away from my small minuscule support?! Pull the trigger you’ve got the loaded gun pointing at my head already!!!

So now I’m struggling with picking the lesser of two evils.

Fuck my life.

Then Wednesday morning.

I’m at PC’s place. He has already left for work and I’m just in his bed happy as a clam. I’m lying on my left side watching Daria on Netflix [ugh I LOVE it!!] and have been in the same position for like 20 minutes not moving, when the room violently spins to the right in a full circle. I can’t stop it. I realize I’m conscious, can move my extremities, my eyes were open the whole time, and my heart rate is up because I’m scared shitless. It lasted about 5 seconds. I wait a few seconds, calm down and roll over to grab my phone. I am painfully aware how I’m alone and naked in PC’s bed. It happens again but not as strong and for 2 seconds. I reassess myself and call my dad. Thank g-d he is retired. I establish its not a stroke but it could be a TIA. I’m also thinking maybe a seizure. I’m on sooo many meds right now [literally 2 years ago no meds, now 5] that have potential for serotonin syndrome/stroke/seizure I’m like aw crap. I’m also thinking great my sodium is so low I seized it’s a sign. 

My dad surprisingly questions me on my eating and drinking. It had been fairly decent so that’s not the issue. I still grabbed a banana nut muffin and ate that, sat up for like 30 minutes, and drove home. I just wanted to be near someone in case it happened again. 

I got home and did not have any more spins, I was really dizzy, had a crushing headache in the frontal and occipital regions [front and back of my head] and severe nausea unlike the eating disorder kind that made me puke after being in the car. I don’t do the vomit thing very well. And being on Topamax for the facial pain which I think is related to the sinus issues of allergies, I’m not supposed to feel any facial pain or headaches. This breakthrough pain is bad…way very bad.

I was frightened to say the least. I packed my bags expecting to be hospitalized and decided between ER and doctor office.

I called my doctor’s office and they got me in in their express care clinic. I saw a nurse practitioner. I was pumped because I’m team NP. He was clearly second career for cash NP and fresh out of school NP. He was so damn dumb. I ended up telling him he was wrong. He was like asking me if I should go to the ER. I was like I’m here to ask YOU if I should be there. He didn’t even look in my ears and claimed to give me a full physical. Then pronounced my diagnosis as positional vertigo. He gave me Meclizine for the nausea. No origin. NO way to resolve issue at hand. Just another med. No tests or bloodwork.

Total moron.

I have been way off all week. 

Feeling sick. Eating is gross. I feel and look fat. I was supposed to be running but that’s gone. So angry. PC has been great support.
Then I find out via my mom who dug that the job I applied for and have been waiting to hear one? Well they canceled it. It was a training program and there were 4 applicants total so they felt it was not enough to warrant fiscally to keep it so they cancelled it. 

But they still haven’t told me.

I found out on Friday. 30 minutes before PC was coming over for family dinner to meet my mom for the first time. I cried. Now I’m stuck with this MLOA possibility–that hell where Cherry just gets rid of me. I feel like utter shit. I’m so trapped. 

What a crappy week.

My dad was kind enough to drive me because I did not want to take any chances. So I was lucky to have him and relax and mentally prep to and from work. 

I got into a fight with PC today. Our first fight. He tried to fix something because it’s his nature. I, like some people I follow on here [K], self sabotage. And feeling like shit while in a hostile toxic environment? Well my guard was down and I couldn’t fight the urges to self sabotage and end it. I just feel like I’m not good enough.

My life is such shit. Trapped in a dead end job. Can’t even get my trained for healthcare job.

Overqualified for everything else.

Making no money and can’t do anything. Living with my parents and caring for them. I want to live my life worth living. And I feel like that will never ever happen. I feel like PC is ashamed of me and deems me lazy because he doesn’t understand how difficult it is in this state to get a nursing job no matter how smart and qualified you are. I am tired of explaining it to people. That was our fight.

We are fine. I’m on edge. My plate is still way too full. I need to get the hell out of my job. And it seems my one resource out is no longer there.

Countdown to my Disney trip. That eating experience stresses me out enough as is. I’ll blog on that too. But what if the vertigo is still here and I can’t do anything?

Because my life fucking sucks.

As if struggling with anorexia isn’t enough. And anxiety.

Visuals

    

  

O2SFoodHlth: Eating Disorders

December @ University

There are a number of eating disorders which affect people.

• anorexia nervosa
• bulimia nervosa
• binge eating disorder (BED)
• other eating disorders (ENDOS)
• food fadism

Eating disorders

• involve abnormal eating habits
• eat too much or too little
• causes mental and physical problems

Nervosa is only added to the term to indicate psychological factors are involved.

1 Million Australians have an eating disorder costing Australia $70 billion a year. 1 male dies to every 3 females. In 2012, 1828 people died from an eating disorder which is higher than the national road toll for the same period.

Anorexia Nervosa affects people who

• have a serious problem with body image
• think they are overweight even though they are often underweight and emaciated.

Bulimia Nervosa is a related disorder to Anorexia Nervosa and sufferers

• eat large meals then compensate with self induce vomiting, laxatives or enemas.
• will alternate with fasting and/or excessive exercise.
• can…

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