Archive | March 2014

Who is Ed?

Ed’s Voice. Over and over again it fills my head. It is raw. It is harsh. It is degrading. It is something that is so abusive it is unbelievable how people allow Ed to speak. It is something that no one can understand, unless they hear it too.

Ed is one of a few names given to the thoughts that people with eating disorders suffer from. These people do not necessarily hear voices, but the thoughts are very real. It became common practice to name the thoughts so as to distinguish them from the sufferer’s own thoughts. Ed consumes these people’s lives.

There are many blogs, books, journals, etc. on anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. How do I know? I am obsessed with them. I am consumed with understanding what others feel and think… Trying to find where I fit in myself.

I have Ed talking to me. 

Through all of my research, though, I have found that it is all on anorexia and bulimia in the stereotyped-by-media format. I had not found any voice for what I have suffered. 

Why am I different? Well, my course of eating disorders has not been touched on in media. I struggle with how to disclose for fear of judgment. It is hard enough telling someone that I have an eating disorder. But trying to explain that I suffer from relapse after relapse, until a year ago with a major relapse, of anorexia, that I am obese and not skin and bones? That’s where people give me looks or think I am making it up. Additionally, I, myself, am a healthcare provider. So I constantly struggle with the pull of Ed’s Voice and what I know I tell my patients–what is medically correct.

This knowledge tears me apart. 

And now I have been in recovery for almost a year. With a long way to go. Still. 

My struggles are real. My struggles happen to many who do not have the voice to express it.

Ed’s Voice, this blog, it is to help support people who struggle, their loved ones, and people who just want to understand.

I do disclose, now, this isn’t pretty. It is morbid. It can be dark. But it can also be rainbows and glitter. It is real life as I experience it.

I tried writing an exercise blog once. It failed. I could not be upfront and honest with my struggles. I never mentioned how I did not eat for 3 days while crushing it at the gym. That is why, here, Ed’s Voice will be straight honesty and truth.

It is in no way intended to be a proana or promia blog. I do not support it. But it can be triggering. Hopefully it is motivational.

I am at a place now where there is clarity in past actions. My therapist recommended finding an outlet that helps me cope. I am also very close to the major relapse that nearly killed me. I survived because of 2 friends and 1 doctor who noticed something was wrong. I am honestly alive because of them.

But that, dear readers, is the next post.