Archive | December 2014

Volunteer Hell

“I want a boy on my team”
“Saul, I’m not a boy!! Why can’t I be on your team?!”
“Because you’re fat.”
“That’s not nice Saul”
“That’s why I said it.”

Saul* is between 6 and 8 years old. Last week he wanted me to walk him to his room. While he still only responds to me and calms down because of me, he is a kid. I’m not supposed to be mad at a kid.

And his words cut so harshly.

I thought I’d been losing weight. Apparently I’m still fat.

Because struggling with food and this illness isn’t enough. Volunteering, my safe place where I help children with critical illnesses, is now off the list.

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Life Just Sucks for Some of Us. Period.

I have been struggling still with the battle with Athena and group.

I went back to group for the first time last week. Granted it was nothing but panic attacks, my compulsion to finish something I started won out over all my fears. I hate it.

Well I told Cherry how I was going to do this and surprise Athena. So Cherry decided to tell Athena. When I addressed Cherry on this asking her whose team she is on, she got upset.

We addressed it in our meeting and I told her I was mad and upset with her. Well apparently I’m not allowed to feel that way.

So yesterday she told me she has been thinking about this and I need to see someone else who has the skills to help me. Because apparently she doesn’t. She only has the skills for food.

I have been dealing with a lot lately. On top of trying to process the group ordeal, I have been dealing with this sickness. I have a head CT this week. The doctor thinks it’s a tumor.

While that is it’s own thing, I also found out my long term ex boyfriend got married 2 weekends ago and it was to the girl he cheated on me with. But wait there’s more. I thought it was the last 4 months of our relationship and it was the last year. Feels good doesn’t it? This stirred up a lot of feelings.

A lot of worthless feelings. I am worthless. I don’t care about the ex aspect. But I deserve happiness not him. He is supposed to not be able to live without me.

People are supposed to be miserable without me and they are all doing well. I gave up so much for some people, sacrificed myself even, and it means nothing.

I just am in the background. No one notices my feelings or notices me; I’m basically invisible. People think that I will be fine and I don’t need to be recognized or appreciated or even acknowledged. I’m human too!!!

So here I sit, telling Cherry last week how I feel utterly worthless. Worthless because my fears and issues did not even register with Athena. Worthless because my cheating ex is not even phased by my sacrifices and found happiness with the other woman. Worthless because people who were my friends, best friends, that screwed me over and I left are not even phased by my disappearance.

So then I got to thinking about my current situation. People seem to easily move on. I’m beyond replaceable. After always striving to not be, I am.

Therefore, if I died today, people would move on. I don’t have a boyfriend or husband who would be destroyed. My “best friends” I seem to be bffls at their convenience. They, too, have their own support system that they would temporarily miss me but fill in the whole.

My job always stresses that I’m replaceable because they are a business not a hospital anymore. I feel sorry for our patients who receive abysmal care. They deserve better. I know I’m not because they struggle and fall apart without me. But they never say it. Never say thank you. Never appreciate me or acknowledge what I bring.

All this? It just validates my worthlessness.

And I tell this to Cherry who then decides I need to see someone else? Another star next to the worthless/helpless category, please.

She wants me to set these goals for us. Food based. I’m struggling to stay alive and survive right now. Her focus: waaaaaay off from mine.

I told her this and she just kept focusing back on how she needs goals. After shutting down, I told her every time I try to get back on my feet lately I get thrown down by shit you can’t predict. No one else gets hit with as much shit as I do. That’s fine I accepted that years ago. For every 1 positive I have 3 seriously negatives. It’s my life.

So I haven’t had the chance to cope with the shit I’ve been dealt. They think I have a tumor. My ex gets married. Still sick. Back to back 3 days straight of overbooked times. I have literally not had a moment to breathe, process, cope.

But I need to plan!!!

Too much. Just. Too much.

Don’t worry. I’m not going to kill myself. I’m still too fat to die.

Because Being a Woman is AWESOME

I have found that when I am PMSing and menstruating, Ed kicks into high gear. There are times I do not even realize it. I just find myself feeling really fat, triggered easily, and hypersensitive to feelings of fatness and food.

I think it relates to hormonal changes because I do bloat and actually gain 1 size; about 15-20lbs. I remember it being horrible in high school. I would physically slow down, have horrid cramping and back pains. Yay womanhood?

So when I was 19 I went on Depo Provera. It was perfect at controlling g those aforementioned symptoms. I did not get a period for 7 years. So no bloating, increased battles with Ed, peaks and troughs…all gone. But the Depo made me gain weight.

I switched in 2011 to an IUD. It was the closest thing to Depo and not menstruating. I abhor having a period. I abhor everything that goes with it.

While I basically spot now, I still get the horrendous side effects–debilitating back pain, cramps, bloating, salt and chocolate cravings… Ugh. But worst of all I still get triggered hormonally. Ya, Ed’s voice does not just come from external triggers–Ed thrives off my month hormonal shift.

It blows.

Sometimes when I’m feeling really fat and the need to starve I look at the calendar. Ah yes. I’m PMSing. And try to just tough it out.

Because I don’t have enough shit to battle and struggle with.

Here It Comes Again

My head is just swimming.

So much has happened in two weeks.

So much validation that I am worthless.

All I want is to be able to walk away and people realize they need me.

Nopes.

Either they cope and cover it up well or I really have made no impact.

Ed’s voice is running rampant.

There are so many things I want to blog. As I start typing up one situation or scenario, another crazier more fucked up one occurs. Then I get off track and start the next one to just be stopped by another scenario. That has been the past few weeks.

Where do I begin?

When does it end if it ends?

But one thing rings true: I refuse to die fat. Because then it would cost more for cleanup. I couldn’t leave that on others.