Been saving some up so I had a nice little grouping. Just so people might understand the thoughts that slowly kill us.
Ok let me start off with I’ve been channeling my OCD behaviors into Bullet Journal ing. I love it and it’s helpful for me. It’s cathartic. It gets crap out of my head. It shuts out Ed and Edie’s voices for a bit.
Naturally, I’m on Pinterest looking for things to “bujo” as us lazy I mean cool kids say.
I stumbled on these. They are so going in. An excellent reminder [for me minus the prayer part but insert mindfulness].
I’m guilty of a lot of these. Helps me identify. Are you?
Okay this is super cheesy, but I am really ecstatic to say I have 100 followers!!
Thank you to all of you who find what I write and post interesting enough to subscribe!
And a bigger thanks to those of you who interact with comments, likes, and reblogs!! ❤
You have no idea how much all of this means to me!!
Literally, it has been a huge goal of mine for the past 2 years! Thanks for making this happen!
I set out to blog to share my voice on eating disorders so people could hear the struggle.
I still aim to do that and I hope that it has proven educational, helpful, and a close human element. That human face to the silent and lonely struggle that kills.
I am an open book.
I do not EVER promote proana or promia material.
I do apologize if my struggles have ever been triggering to anyone. But this is me: Cassie.
This is Cassie and Ed’s voice.
As I continue to blog, I hope to add a few things to my experiences with anorexia.
I will stick with my weekly list challenge and try to keep up with my daily photo challenge. I still encourage others to join!! I would like to incorporate in some research that is healthcare based as well as topics as suggested by you, my readers.
Anything y’all want to hear? Please comment! Or shoot me an email or kik.
I still want to promote community and am here as myself; flaws and all.
To another 100 followers, whenever it might happen! I am grateful for all of you! love you ❤
in it together
Disclaimer: I am not a therapist. I am not trying to pass myself off as a therapist. I am not saying that this should be in place of real medical help. I think these workbooks are great additional support and I recommend them based on my own personal experiences alone. Nothing works for everyone.
When I first started seeing Cherry, she immediately recommended two books for me with sections to read, specific to my needs and understanding. She also gave me sections to pass on to my friends and family to better understand what I was going through.
I read through the two books and frankly cried a lot. It was my first step of acceptance of a real problem. These two books are aimed at family members of teens with eating disorders, but let me tell you…I found it much easier to read something aimed and directed at someone else and their perspective of me. It made me really realize I had a problem and made it easier for me to accept treatment.
The first two pictures are those books.
Cherry actually trained and worked with Dr. Lock and it was a fresh perspective to be a part of his program and understand the treatment approach I was about to undergo. It’s common in the UK but newer here in the U.S.
I highly recommend these two books. Given to me by my CBT Eating Disorder trained therapist who does family approached therapy with the goal of keeping patients out of inpatient as much as possible; keeping them in the real world and facing those stimuli instead.
Now the nurse in me needed a hands on keep it going approach. I wanted more supplemental work to go with Cherry and her assignments. I did extensive research and found this workbook as seen below. I love love loooove it! I personally wrote all the answers in a notebook and would go back and do it again in the notebook to track progress.
I needed to see actual progress and results for myself and this was the best way that did not involve food diaries. Again, it says self help and I say hell no. Never with anorexia. Excellent addition to therapy and guide during relapse.
It actually carried me far and on the right track. Again my personal issues are cyclical and unchanging until I can leave my invalidating and toxic environment. This books really helped me more than I can express!!
This next book came as a recommendation from someone in my DBT group. Her therapist recommended it so she tried it. She loved it and swore by it. She would tell me about the activities she worked on and how it helped her. I heard and saw her practice and decided to give it a shot.
Totally worth it!! For those who are doing DBT, this is fab!!
If you are new to it, this book is amazing!! It explains everything out to you: concepts and all aspects of DBT approach to therapy.
I need both CBT and DBT so this book reinforces my DBT skills.
The mindfulness is great for everyone. Shit this book is great no matter what you are struggling with: depression, anxiety, eating disorder of any kind, anxiety disorder any kind, mood disorder any kind… You get my point.
It is a workbook that teaches you skills but even evaluates you so you can see where you need to strengthen yourself.
Same style as the previous workbook but focused on bulimia. Pretty awesome to have one on your specific eating disorder if I do say so myself. I am envious!!
I showed Cherry the previous workbook and she was impressed with it. I then told her about this one since she does eating disorders. She researched it, bought it, fell in love with it, and now uses it for her patients who struggle with bulimia. She photocopies the pages and hands them out.
I feel pretty cool that I found a book that my therapist now utilizes as part of her therapy routine. I love that I am able to help others. 😀
So if you struggle with bulimia or even BED, check this workbook out. Maybe you might find one pearl that is helpful.
The sibling to the other two. I have been struggling with anxiety a LOT lately [really Cassie?!?! Hahahaha] so I saw this tonight and thought it was worth a shot and bought it. I’ll let y’all know how it is. But I have a great feeling!
I saw the Bipolar sibling book and decided to include it because some people I follow struggle with BPD. If it is like its sibling the green one, it could be quite helpful. Again, I always say check with your therapist. But anything that can support your work in a positive way should be considered.
Okay ladies and gentlemen!
I hope this was helpful!
These books provide me comfort, support, and strength when I need it most. Skills.
If any of y’all end up investing in any of these and using them, please drop me a line and tell me what you think: good bad otherwise!! I appreciate all criticism and love hearing how they work for others.
I will post about the anxiety one.
If you do not want to reply publicly on here, feel free to hit me up privately:
We are a community of support here and I appreciate y’all so I just want to give back the best I can.
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Because guess who is sick and tired…. AGAIN?!
YES! I have apparently large tonsils now. Did not have them when I saw the doctors two weeks ago. FABULOUS! And I now get collections on my tonsils. Which HURT! And make me really tired. And have a sore throat. On top of the ongoing horrid allergies. Which drip onto said tonsils.
And on top of all this, I have another damn virus. I spiked a fever. And we just hit a heat streak and there is no a/c where I live. yay!
There truly seems to be no solution at this point in time.
Ride it out. Keep drinking fluids. Keep being sick. Keep on keeping on.
* * *
I saw Cherry for the first time in a month or more. I caught her up on everything. It was a lot. She was shocked herself. I survived. I really did. But all I kept saying to her which is what I keep thinking: I really do not know why PC is still with me.
She reminded me: it is not my choice–it is his. I have wanted to end it a couple times but she is right. I am damn happy. It is his choice to leave me; not mine. I just want to end it because it is what I do best–premature ending of relationships.
Why does he want to be with me? Ever since he has been with me I have been a fucked up mess. Dealing with the anorexia. Sicker than sick thanks to the allergic reaction to the flu shot. Family chaos. Job stress.
And he keeps on loving me. More and more. He makes me happy. And I love spending time with him. But I just feel like how does he not look at me and my current situation and not want to bail?
I mean this really is a low point in my life. I will not sugar coat this shit. The past few years have been. But it really just got worse with all this sickness and the MRIs and CT scans and stuff since before he and I started dating.
He has been ever so supportive. I do not want to lose him. But I also do not want to rely on him or be attached to someone who is just going to leave. Every time I convince myself to back away from him he does something to just pull me in more. I kind of hate him for that. I hate being so susceptible. So reliant. So weak.
Like holy shitake mushrooms! We have been dating since December: almost 6 months! That gives me a panic attack! Freaks me out!!! Our 5 month anniversary is at the end of the month! RIDIC!
My birthday is this week. No one seems to give two cares or remember: not unusual. I am taking a trip with two of my bffls so that is great! It is always a horrid low point in my life and a lot of bad stuff happens on my birthday. So this year I am escaping it and going with two best friends who never do me wrong. It will be good.
And here is PC already planning a picnic celebration just the two of us for my birthday. So cheesy. So romantic. So what I need. He is atypical of my dating type. He is not the usual look either. But I have not had the healthiest relationships [one was emotionally abusive]. PC has just been wonderful. He is what I realized I really do need. I need that softness and that sweetness.
I need him to be my Iron Man Triathalon in training man who romances me and still cuddles me and is not afraid to play along with my crazy games and stories. Like how I should have a pet fluffy chicken to eat spiders. Have you seen fluffy chickens? Google it. You will not be disappointed. Or swings on the swings with me at the park. He meets all levels of my mental needs: child, intellectual, stubborn, anorexic, anxiety, PTSD with cars, traumatized by family, etc.
I always worry that I need to say what I want but that I want to play a game and make him guess and if he does not know I should dump him. But he ends up knowing what I need and giving me that instead. Like this picnic lunch for my birthday. And who knows what he will actually do. But I do have to keep emphasizing the family thing. Or so I thought. Because apparently he told his grandma about me on Valentine’s Day who told his family and he answered basic questions. But now for my birthday present he is going to really tell them about me because he understands how important it is to me even though he never tells his family anything except shallow things.
* * *
Anyways, with all this sickness and stress my exercising gets waylay-ed and off. I feel so fat and out of shape. Today I worked in a different department and they said I look amazing and like I have lost a lot of weight. I tried really hard to see myself through their eyes. Of course I felt huge in my scrubs as the bottoms felt tight. But it could be bloating from this heat surge. Doubt it. I wanted to be a whole scrub pant size smaller by now. Like the size I was when I started this job 7 years ago.
All I know is, when your throat hurts, and it hurts to swallow, it makes it extremely difficult to push forward with food.
So much going on all at once. So much drama that I cannot get out of because I am trapped at my job. And trapped with my family. PC tries to rescue me and he does such a great job of helping me escape until I have to go back to it.
But in the end, I am still sick. And I am still tired. And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I have quite a bit to say.
I had my interview. I wanted to discuss how that went. How they told me they want to hire me but next week they will call officially. How I was ecstatic because I felt like for the first time in years people saw me for me and appreciated me for me.
Discuss how PC came to take me out to dinner to celebrate the accomplishment of getting an interview–and brought flowers!! A total keeper!!
That as PC and I were leaving we ran into my mom where she told me a story that is so fucked up I am still so agitated by it. This story is about my current institution seriously using and abusing me to the point of fradulently taking credit for me. It is quite a story.
To discuss how my mom told me that while this job might really want me, the institution they fall under might not allow them to hire me because I am a new grad RN who falls out of the one year mark and thus does not meet their criteria–no matter how amazing I am. Or how bad this department wants me. So I cannot get my hopes up too high because even though they want me politics could once again come and fuck me. Nothing is real until the contract is signed.
But I am sick.
I am convinced I had a sinus infection previously that caused the “positional vertigo” a few weeks back. And now thanks to the stress of everything, it has all caught up to me.
I caught myself having had nothing but a forced shaked the day of the interview. Sick and tired. And anxious obvi.
Then last night it hit hard. Pounding headache. Congested sinuses. Blocked ears.
I am so damn tired of being sick!!! I want to be healthy so I have energy to blog about the aforementioned things in detail!! To have energy!
Today I drank 5 liters of water and peed probably 6 times.
I cannot be sick before my big Disney trip!!!!!!!!
But in sickness I must keep going. Nothing ever stops.
Because when we have an eating disorder, we are always sick, aren’t we?
Sick to our stomach–or so we tell people so we will not eat.
Sick to our stomach because we are refeeding.
Sick from malnutrition.
Sick from the voices in our heads telling us we are not good enough and never will be.
Sick of how we are treated but never allowed to have an opinion.
Just plain sick.
But we always carry on. Because we are always in sickness.
Always in sickness but never in health.