Tag Archive | bulimia nervosa

Let’s Call It A Comeback

While I’ve been crafting my multiple tales behind the scenes to release unto you [ooo so fancy sounding] life clearly keeps happening. Anorexia and anxiety don’t just disappear. Those who are cured I am disgustingly envious of.

Again, I am a lifer.

I may have learned to cope with it and how to “interact” with anorexia and anxiety, but I will never be cured. Alas, my only cure is death. And while I have begged for it at times and needed it as well, I could never do it.

I digress.

I have been struggling a lot lately with stress and eating. I’m doing decently in the sense I’m eating at least one meal a day. This is major for me. It’s not like I’m actively trying to avoid it; I have no hunger instinct so I can go a whole day without even noticing I have not consumed anything. It’s bad.

My job is unnecessarily stressful. A post to come. But I also have a new stress trigger that is really driving Ed’s voice into overdrive. It will come out in another post, but let’s just say there is an extreme amount of pressure on how I will look and eyes will be on me.

OH heyyy Ed! Edie, you’re here, too?! Omg it’s a party!!

Let’s throw in all that PTSD training trying to counteract all that. Mmmm joy.

A few months ago I was cleared to return to the gym. After 2 years of physical injury. And 1.5 years before that of restriction for therapy.

Just a reminder, I have hypergymnasia: I have spent excessive amounts of time at the gym in an attempt to lose weight. It was my purge. And when I go to the gym, I lose myself and all sense of time. It’s a total mindfuck to be honest.

The last time I was in a gym, ugh I was so unhealthy!!! I had just broken my ankle and shoulder. And I was at the gym running on the treadmill while in pain. That was 2 years ago OH SHIT TO THIS WEEK!!!

Well, I made plans with one of my besties to return to the gym. Part of my recovery contingencies [for life] is I’m not allowed to workout alone. We were supposed to go last week and again Monday.

I got so anxious I panicked and canceled.

Between the stress of work and this pressure to be thin, I did the healthy thing and did not go.

I know if I went, I would be starting under the wrong intentions and it would be downhill from there. My bestie knows everything that’s going on and has been so supportive.

So today we went. And I was so anxious. And scared.

I was worried I was too fat in the gym outfit I had. I was honestly fearful of the judgment by people at the gym. I was scared I would lose control. I was afraid I would spiral; that Ed would slide into control.

What I was most fearful of? My injuries being so bad that they would incapacitate me from doing the exercises I know and love. And I would have lost my identity.

Good news: the broken shoulder has healed enough through physical therapy that I was able to do the exercises I have done in the past!! I actually cried at the gym. The ankle has as well.

Bad news: I can’t turn off the hypergymnasia. My beastie turned to me and was like we have been here an hour time to go. I honestly thought it had been 10 minutes.

Absolutely no concept of time. It’s scary. I could end up hurting myself again. Breaking something. Or, as Eddie points out, getting fatter because I am working out too much without enough caloric intake.

I gain weight when I stop eating. I am am atypical anorexic due to years of anorexia and no formal treatment till my late twenties.

I feel disgusted by myself for feeling pleasure in the muscle burn and stamina I have. It’s not because I’m healthier than I thought but for the idea I can keep pushing myself harder.

But dammit, this is a massive comeback!! Literally years in the making.

Cassie is back at the gym. My happy place. Under supervision of a bestie. Without therapy support. Trying to do this the right way.

Here’s a big challenge!!

Advertisements

Where to Start?!

This is my return.

I’m overwhelmed with what to say. Like where to start.

There has been so many changes in my life over the past 7 months. I wanted to write as they happened. It helps me process and feel. Experience the moment as they say in DBT.

Thanks to fear and trying to protect my anonymity, I had to give time in-between some significant events so that I cannot be identified.

I have followed of you and am so proud of you. Your accomplishments and strides you are making. These struggles are so. Real.

I guess the first biggest struggle, which will be my first focus, is I completed, and graduated from the Trauma Therapy.

As in I had no choice they basically told me, in one month we are cutting you free because that’s the end goal. After 4 years of intensive therapy. To nothing.

Oooo plot twist?!

Ed’s Voice in Pictures

Been saving some up so I had a nice little grouping. Just so people might understand the thoughts that slowly kill us.

DBT Skills: Coping Bullet Journal

Ok let me start off with I’ve been channeling my OCD behaviors into Bullet Journal ing. I love it and it’s helpful for me. It’s cathartic. It gets crap out of my head. It shuts out Ed and Edie’s voices for a bit. 

Naturally, I’m on Pinterest looking for things to “bujo” as us lazy I mean cool kids say. 

I stumbled on these. They are so going in. An excellent reminder [for me minus the prayer part but insert mindfulness].

I’m guilty of a lot of these. Helps me identify. Are you?

Cheese Factor: Nacho

Okay this is super cheesy, but I am really ecstatic to say I have 100 followers!!

Thank you to all of you who find what I write and post interesting enough to subscribe!

And a bigger thanks to those of you who interact with comments, likes, and reblogs!! ❤

You have no idea how much all of this means to me!!

Literally, it has been a huge goal of mine for the past 2 years! Thanks for making this happen!

I set out to blog to share my voice on eating disorders so people could hear the struggle.

I still aim to do that and I hope that it has proven educational, helpful, and a close human element. That human face to the silent and lonely struggle that kills.

I am an open book.

I do not EVER promote proana or promia material.

I do apologize if my struggles have ever been triggering to anyone. But this is me: Cassie.

This is Cassie and Ed’s voice.

As I continue to blog, I hope to add a few things to my experiences with anorexia.

I will stick with my weekly list challenge and try to keep up with my daily photo challenge. I still encourage others to join!! I would like to incorporate in some research that is healthcare based as well as topics as suggested by you, my readers.

Anything y’all want to hear? Please comment! Or shoot me an email or kik.

I still want to promote community and am here as myself; flaws and all.

Contact me:

•Email: soundofedsvoice@gmail.com

•Kik: CassiexEdsxVoice

To another 100 followers, whenever it might happen! I am grateful for all of you! love you ❤

in it together

Cässïë

Workbook Recommendations

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist. I am not trying to pass myself off as a therapist. I am not saying that this should be in place of real medical help. I think these workbooks are great additional support and I recommend them based on my own personal experiences alone. Nothing works for everyone. 


When I first started seeing Cherry, she immediately recommended two books for me with sections to read, specific to my needs and understanding. She also gave me sections to pass on to my friends and family to better understand what I was going through. 

I read through the two books and frankly cried a lot. It was my first step of acceptance of a real problem. These two books are aimed at family members of teens with eating disorders, but let me tell you…I found it much easier to read something aimed and directed at someone else and their perspective of me. It made me really realize I had a problem and made it easier for me to accept treatment.

The first two pictures are those books.

Cherry actually trained and worked with Dr. Lock and it was a fresh perspective to be a part of his program and understand the treatment approach I was about to undergo. It’s common in the UK but newer here in the U.S.

I highly recommend these two books. Given to me by my CBT Eating Disorder trained therapist who does family approached therapy with the goal of keeping patients out of inpatient  as much as possible; keeping them in the real world and facing those stimuli instead.

   
  

Now the nurse in me needed a hands on keep it going approach. I wanted more supplemental work to go with Cherry and her assignments. I did extensive research and found this workbook as seen below. I love love loooove it! I personally wrote all the answers in a notebook and would go back and do it again in the notebook to track progress.

I needed to see actual progress and results for myself and this was the best way that did not involve food diaries. Again, it says self help and I say hell no. Never with anorexia. Excellent addition to therapy and guide during relapse.

It actually carried me far and on the right track. Again my personal issues are cyclical and unchanging until I can leave my invalidating and toxic environment. This books really helped me more than I can express!!

  

This next book came as a recommendation from someone in my DBT group. Her therapist recommended it so she tried it. She loved it and swore by it. She would tell me about the activities she worked on and how it helped her. I heard and saw her practice and decided to give it a shot. 

Totally worth it!! For those who are doing DBT, this is fab!!

If you are new to it, this book is amazing!! It explains everything out to you: concepts and all aspects of DBT approach to therapy.

I need both CBT and DBT so this book reinforces my DBT skills. 

The mindfulness is great for everyone. Shit this book is great no matter what you are struggling with: depression, anxiety, eating disorder of any kind, anxiety disorder any kind, mood disorder any kind… You get my point.

It is a workbook that teaches you skills but even evaluates you so you can see where you need to strengthen yourself.

  

Same style as the previous workbook but focused on bulimia. Pretty awesome to have one on your specific eating disorder if I do say so myself. I am envious!! 

I showed Cherry the previous workbook and she was impressed with it. I then told her about this one since she does eating disorders. She researched it, bought it, fell in love with it, and now uses it for her patients who struggle with bulimia. She photocopies the pages and hands them out. 

I feel pretty cool that I found a book that my therapist now utilizes as part of her therapy routine. I love that I am able to help others. 😀

So if you struggle with bulimia or even BED, check this workbook out. Maybe you might find one pearl that is helpful.

  
The sibling to the other two. I have been struggling with anxiety a LOT lately [really Cassie?!?! Hahahaha] so I saw this tonight and thought it was worth a shot and bought it. I’ll let y’all  know how it is. But I have a great feeling!

  

I saw the Bipolar sibling book and decided to include it because some people I follow struggle with BPD. If it is like its sibling the green one, it could be quite helpful. Again, I always say check with your therapist. But anything that can support your work in a positive way should be considered.

 

Okay ladies and gentlemen!

I hope this was helpful!

These books provide me comfort, support, and strength when I need it most. Skills.

If any of y’all end up investing in any of these and using them, please drop me a line and tell me what you think: good bad otherwise!! I appreciate all criticism and love hearing how they work for others.

I will post about the anxiety one.

If you do not want to reply publicly on here, feel free to hit me up privately:

Email: soundofedsvoice@gmail.com
kik:SoundxEdsxVoice

We are a community of support here and I appreciate y’all so I just want to give back the best I can.

❤️Cassïe