Tag Archive | ana

For One Night…

… Let’s pretend to be normal.

Anything but what we are.

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Where to Start?!

This is my return.

I’m overwhelmed with what to say. Like where to start.

There has been so many changes in my life over the past 7 months. I wanted to write as they happened. It helps me process and feel. Experience the moment as they say in DBT.

Thanks to fear and trying to protect my anonymity, I had to give time in-between some significant events so that I cannot be identified.

I have followed of you and am so proud of you. Your accomplishments and strides you are making. These struggles are so. Real.

I guess the first biggest struggle, which will be my first focus, is I completed, and graduated from the Trauma Therapy.

As in I had no choice they basically told me, in one month we are cutting you free because that’s the end goal. After 4 years of intensive therapy. To nothing.

Oooo plot twist?!

Ed’s Voice in Pictures

Been saving some up so I had a nice little grouping. Just so people might understand the thoughts that slowly kill us.

Hiding for Fear

I have so much to say. Multiple topics. Lyrics to post. Images to relate to. 

But I feel like whatever I am to post will not be good enough. 

Ya. It’s that phase. 

The not worthy. Not good enough. Why can’t I be accepted. Phase.

Leads to:

I am feeling fat. I am fat. 

Why am I not good enough. 

Smile. They will never know.

Seasonal Anxiety

Shoutout to my fellow eating disorder sufferers. Our season is approaching.

The Call Came

I am being transitioned to another doctor.

Ironically, while my therapist filled my spot and cut her hours, she basically needs closure with our relationship.

…..

The fuck?!?!

I needed her. She wasn’t there for me.

I AM THE ONE WITH ABANDONMENT ISSUES!!

I wanted to die.

She left me there.

For months.

Then she turfs me to someone else.

Yea must be hard for her.

Well the sick bitch in me is like –ya I’m SO anorexic I’ve broken two  therapists now!!

Yet I’m still getting fatter.

And earlier this week when I saw my psychiatrist I had to briefly relieve all my trauma of the past few months with no ability for treatment–just a tell her why I was so stressed and wanted to die thing. She had no clue. My therapist didn’t tell her shit.

Good communication team!!

So I’ve gained weight. Because I’m not eating.

I had to talk about that.

I resume treatment immediately because the insurance bullshit is dealt with.

I’ve been deemed acute/critical.

Because I am barely eating. Self harming. OCD high. Anxiety high. And treatment was abruptly cut three months ago when I was at a critical stage.

But the debate is on if I should be just outpatient.

Ha. We will see.

Goodbye old therapist later this week.

Just like waiting for your crush to call after a date, that long awaited call came.

And thankfully I’m still alive to take it. Ed didn’t kill me yet.