Tag Archive | ana

Never In My Life Thought I Would

**eating disorder trigger warning**

Well. We all have those things that we would never ever do. Like maybe never ever eat escargot because it is a snail. Or go skydiving. Whatever your jam us.

Mine is I will never purge via any method except exercise.

I know the medical ramifications of laxatives. And I hate the intestinal cramps and diarrhea. Same with vomiting. I also hate hate hate throwing up. Flu season and I yuck.

Well. So I thought.

Maybe it was the combination of factors. Maybe Ed’s voice is so loud that I can’t distinguish anymore. Maybe stress has gotten to me.

Between starting my new job [which is awesome and super easy and chill], the 24/7 medical care of PC after his surgery a few weeks ago [that has beyond gotten to me], and today’s family drama related to wedding prep added to I am tired…I guess I cracked.

I took my wedding dress in for alterations earlier this week. I was scared to death. Like extremely fearful. I was convinced it would not fit because I was too fat.

I put it on…and it was loose!! I lost weight!! I was utterly shocked!! It goes to show you that my anorexia recovery of actually eating helps me to lose weight. I mean I lost so much weight the dress was a size too big I was startled.

But then she fit it tight on me. And there is Ed popping up telling me to freak out because in a few months I will not fit into it! And Edie is like girl just keep eating and we will lose soooo much weight!

Today I come home from work and I have a ton of To Dos on my list it’s overwhelming. But I always manage to get it done. Not too worried I guess.

PC and I had a fight because well his family is rude and presumptuous. And they yelled at him and he tried to roll over. Uh no.

I ate. Food. It’s probably a normal portion to people. But to me and my stomach it was maaaaassive! It was technically the largest meal I’ve had in a few weeks.

I tried all my CBT and DBT skills. But the stomach pains were too severe. I was nauseated and my heart was besting extremely fast.

There I found myself. Over my bathroom sink.

You can do it, Cassie. A finger down the throat. You know where to go anatomically. You get the urge all the time…that feeling. Maybe PC will hear you and realize you really are not OK. That your eating disorder is bad. But after you evacuate like 20oz [the milkshake and something else].

The milkshake will make it smooth. It won’t burn. You won’t feel it. The acid is neutralized.

All Ed. This was all Ed’s voice I realize now.

I sat there for a few minutes looking down at my porcelain sink while my multicolored night light flashed between colors. Battling.

Then I did what I thought I would never ever do in my life. My right index finger made contact with my throat.

What’s disturbing, to me, is the relief it did bring. It didn’t hurt. Because you literally open the valve it all comes up and your chest muscles are not crunching like in the flu. It was disturbingly a smooth action. Granted I bit myself and the I know the signs are on my hand now.

It relelieved that awful pain I felt in my stomach.

This was not a calorie fear. Or a I’m going to be a fat fear. At least not that I could identify. I truly physically hurt in my stomach.

And that relief from evacuation!

I get it now.

Then after a few more times, I realized the not so pretty side effects. No one tells you that when this happens you pee yourself a little. Thanks for that heads up!!

It was so surreal. Pure derealization. Did not feel real at all. That’s why I had to blog right away. Because I would never believe it if someone told me I did it. I needed proof.

I think I’m still there. I’m watching myself because it’s not me who did it but me. Derealization.

OH fuck I think I just puked up my meds.

I didn’t see them….

Moral here is never say never ever.

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For One Night…

… Let’s pretend to be normal.

Anything but what we are.

Where to Start?!

This is my return.

I’m overwhelmed with what to say. Like where to start.

There has been so many changes in my life over the past 7 months. I wanted to write as they happened. It helps me process and feel. Experience the moment as they say in DBT.

Thanks to fear and trying to protect my anonymity, I had to give time in-between some significant events so that I cannot be identified.

I have followed of you and am so proud of you. Your accomplishments and strides you are making. These struggles are so. Real.

I guess the first biggest struggle, which will be my first focus, is I completed, and graduated from the Trauma Therapy.

As in I had no choice they basically told me, in one month we are cutting you free because that’s the end goal. After 4 years of intensive therapy. To nothing.

Oooo plot twist?!

Ed’s Voice in Pictures

Been saving some up so I had a nice little grouping. Just so people might understand the thoughts that slowly kill us.

Hiding for Fear

I have so much to say. Multiple topics. Lyrics to post. Images to relate to. 

But I feel like whatever I am to post will not be good enough. 

Ya. It’s that phase. 

The not worthy. Not good enough. Why can’t I be accepted. Phase.

Leads to:

I am feeling fat. I am fat. 

Why am I not good enough. 

Smile. They will never know.

Seasonal Anxiety

Shoutout to my fellow eating disorder sufferers. Our season is approaching.

The Call Came

I am being transitioned to another doctor.

Ironically, while my therapist filled my spot and cut her hours, she basically needs closure with our relationship.

…..

The fuck?!?!

I needed her. She wasn’t there for me.

I AM THE ONE WITH ABANDONMENT ISSUES!!

I wanted to die.

She left me there.

For months.

Then she turfs me to someone else.

Yea must be hard for her.

Well the sick bitch in me is like –ya I’m SO anorexic I’ve broken two  therapists now!!

Yet I’m still getting fatter.

And earlier this week when I saw my psychiatrist I had to briefly relieve all my trauma of the past few months with no ability for treatment–just a tell her why I was so stressed and wanted to die thing. She had no clue. My therapist didn’t tell her shit.

Good communication team!!

So I’ve gained weight. Because I’m not eating.

I had to talk about that.

I resume treatment immediately because the insurance bullshit is dealt with.

I’ve been deemed acute/critical.

Because I am barely eating. Self harming. OCD high. Anxiety high. And treatment was abruptly cut three months ago when I was at a critical stage.

But the debate is on if I should be just outpatient.

Ha. We will see.

Goodbye old therapist later this week.

Just like waiting for your crush to call after a date, that long awaited call came.

And thankfully I’m still alive to take it. Ed didn’t kill me yet.