Where to Start?!

This is my return.

I’m overwhelmed with what to say. Like where to start.

There has been so many changes in my life over the past 7 months. I wanted to write as they happened. It helps me process and feel. Experience the moment as they say in DBT.

Thanks to fear and trying to protect my anonymity, I had to give time in-between some significant events so that I cannot be identified.

I have followed of you and am so proud of you. Your accomplishments and strides you are making. These struggles are so. Real.

I guess the first biggest struggle, which will be my first focus, is I completed, and graduated from the Trauma Therapy.

As in I had no choice they basically told me, in one month we are cutting you free because that’s the end goal. After 4 years of intensive therapy. To nothing.

Oooo plot twist?!

Ramblings

I wish I had something wonderful and wise to share.

But all I keep coming back to is how fat I am and how fat I feel.

I am still injured and exercise feels like a drug that I am desperately craving: I need to be going like 6 hours a day.

The olympics make it worse. Seeing the gymnasts reminds me of all old potentials and my wasted careers. My wasted flexibly and stiffness I harbor now.

It doesn’t help that I’ve been sick with a cold and unable to breathe –shoutout to asthma– sporting severe dizziness and some nausea.

People are so spoiled to overrate normalcy. 

No Real Answers

My lip being cyanotic has happened twice since but nothing as severe as before.

I saw the Doctor the next day. When I woke up, my lip was swelt. Like Angelina Jolie would be jealous.

I know people pay for what my lip swell level was, but for me it needed to go because I had no clue how it got there or why it was there.

It was then accompanied by severe nausea, serious chest pain, and GERD.

Overall diagnosis?

Two unrelated events.

I’m too stressed out [welcome to my world] and they believe I had a serious allergic reaction to something. They don’t know what though.

That scares me the most.

Oh goodie a new allergen that causes serious issues but we don’t know what!!

Because now my OCD tendencies just became full blown.

So back to my inhaler and Zantac [because it’s an antihistamine style medication for “heartburn” until that’s under control].

Once my lip died down, which was a full day later and waaaay wrinkly, I put myself back on Prilosec because it just plain works better for me! But antihistamine wise at least I didn’t pass out!!

But here I am, still exhausted and my throat feels swollen still. No cyanosis in a few days. My breathing is well short. I feel fat as all get out and my drive to lose weight is high aaaagain.

Pretty sure I have a cold too. But I can’t focus much because I’m so tired and out of it.

On the plus side, PC was such a stud during the whole thing. He went out on his own initiative and bought a state of the art HEPA filter that now sits by the head of my bed. He also did something else I can’t say on here because it’s a long story–just know it really touched my heart!! He really went all mama bear and I loved it!

It’s so nice that for once I’m not having to fight for myself by myself. Bizarre feeling but much appreciated.

With all this going on I was a shit and missed the dates! We had our half anniversary milestone [we celebrate on the halves so every 6 months].

And he got me flowers. Love this stud muffin!

So I’m still alive another day pondering why I have to be fat with now bad lungs and another allergen.

Because anorexia wasn’t enough to start with.

Coping Level: Avoidance

No I am not avoiding you.

This is cathartic. It helps me process my feelings and thoughts. It lets me vent. And sometimes I’m validated by a reader.

I’ve been avoiding myself.

Ok we all ready know my feelings on the word crazy–I prefer either mentally hilarious or personality instead. But I agree that that aforementioned statement just sounds whack.

I am the master of avoidance. It is my go to technique.

Harmfully so.

In DBT group last year, I was the one who lead that lesson. Because I am pro.

But avoidance truly is a coping skill.

And damnit it got me through these past few weeks.

My therapist, you remember the newbie who is still fresh on the scene to the Cassie story, tried at one point to “bring me to reality” that everyone everywhere suffers and that I am not the only one who does.

First off, never said that. Secondly, I validate that, but I said that in my life I have recognized that my life is filled with nothing but horrors and is randomly speckled with positives which I’m constantly fighting to find; sometimes it’s too much.

She didn’t believe it.

Until she finally listened.

Like when I had RSV, that I got from coworkers [who got it from a patient], then had to take my car in for repairs and they lied about it and it was out for 4 days more than they said it would be, then was fighting for my physical therapy appointment because they cancelled for no reason, then told I had to go in for urgent eye surgery [again!!], all while fighting an elated Ed’s voice. There was more but I don’t remember because my memory is shot.

That’s just my life.

I have radically accepted it.

But sometimes I come back around and I’ll get sad by things.

Because it straight up sucks.

Anyways.

SO HERE IS CASSIE EN BREF:

• I had eye surgery, again, same shit different eye. Molluscum contagiosum.
• Turns out I have molluscum contagiosum all over my body. I had a full on OCD panic attack and clawed at my face. Hashtag fail.
• This has led to even more body image issues because I feel dirty and it looks like I am a teenager with serious acne all over my chest, torso, neck, shoulders, and face. 
• And I haven’t worn makeup in almost a year. Not good for the anorexic trying to cover up and feel pretty. To not be seen as me all flawed.
• Huge melt down by Dramama. Somehow my fault.
• Other coworkers smelled my blood in the water and came after me. Trying to say I’m incompetent and can’t do my job. Didn’t matter that I had escalated asking for help and they all refused. They all played victim. 
• I’m so sick of nonvictims playing victims in the situation. Because somehow it always ends up my fault.
• Then turns out my boss straight up had told my coworkers to not talk to me because they “distract” me and I need to do my job. So they feared for their jobs. I was isolated.
• I went to work angry and bitter. Couldn’t win. Well still can’t. Not sure how me wanting there to be a positive and happy work environment is such a bad thing. I throw parties and organize out of office events. I’m such a bitch. Quick ignore her!
• I fell in the shower, again.
• My breathing isn’t getting much better

In summary, toxic work environment. Cannot breathe and still injured from falls so unable to exercise. This leaves me feeling extremely fat and the door open for Ed’s voice. I have molluscum contagiosum [from someone else’s house towels or the massage place I go to] so I can’t wear makeup until it’s all gone. I can’t cover up my insecurities or make myself up with false confidence. Feeling really ugly. My trust is just so fucked up as if it wasnt to start with because of all the stuff at work.

So what did I do with all this in my plate?

A-V-O-I-D-A-N-C-E

😀

I lived minute to minute because it was all I could process; all I could do from losing it.

Thus, I apologize for not being as bloggy and transparent through this whole process as some may have liked.

But this is how I do when I’m drowning.

Quick post unfocused

A lot has been going on. Too much it’s actually beyond overwhelming.

It’s crazy. I’m in a hypomanic phase right now. And yet with the inhaled steroids I’m on and the stress at work with Dramama/ office reorganization my anxiety is off the charts so that is outweighing the hypomania at times.

So my thoughts are all over the place.

Here is my notes I had for my appointment this past week for my therapist. Just a clue of what I’m dealing with…. Besides still healing from RSV and last week’s eye surgery.

Refeeding sx: gerd. Don’t want to eat and it also reminds me how I’m eating so I’m at that point of eating healing process 

Hypomania since yesterday 

Lose my ish over Dramama. My life has issues too! Tired of her belittling 

Boss email –backbone and defended self 

Trip in June — but not sure can have it bc Dramama has whole month off

Work Healthy champion lunch–didn’t eat, felt fraudulent, felt fat

Cleaning and a lot; obsessed 

Shower issue and mom today: carpool that didn’t happen and the melt down fight

Sickness and lack of memory freaks me out

DBT cards project

Stressful work week

Feeling so fat

Thoughts in Pictures

Just been a rough week as those of you who have been following are aware. And just not sure I’m emotionally ready to deal with people tomorrow while I’m still fighting one battle at a time. 

Current battle: focus on breathing.

Then focus on eating. Then focus on not verbal cutting people even if she I mean they deserve it for their verbally assault ice commentary [I know it’s coming]. 

Yay anxiety!!

Then. One step at a time. Just a lot going on I haven’t even mentioned on here. If I did, I’d lose it. It’s too much to handle at once. 

   
 

Still Breathing!!

Ladies and gentlemen I am still alive!! And better yet, am so from my own bed–not a hospital one!!

This virus I got has wiped me out. It has confirmed my lungs are not as perfect as I thought they once were. It makes me feel weak and pathetic–things I do not do well.

But while I’ve been struggling to breathe, I am still breathing!!

I have avoided hospitalization [major phobia]!!

I am on tons of fluids, several inhalers, peak flow monitoring, and bed rest. For over a week.

Mentally I am sooo done! Physically I can’t do anything.

I have watched tv and movies. I have finished two books and bounced between 5 others [sooo bored]. I have organized, mentally, my room so when I have energy I can attack it. I have spent hours on Pinterest. I have also spent hours just lying in bed because of sheer exhaustion.

I’m physically exhausted walking the corner to the bathroom. Talking a full sentence is interrupted so I can breathe. I sound like I ran a marathon with how I pant. PC and I mainly communicate by text right now. My parents have learned my current forms of sign language because grunting is a lot. When PC wants to even hear my grunts he still calls and just basically chats my ear off.

Thankfulky, I have seen improvement! We upped one of my steroids [helloooo Ahnold lungs] and I was able to talk today and walk some with minor dizziness. Yay improvement! Nice to know I’m not dying!!

I know this ish is really serious and I should be scared… But I have to be the calm one because no one else is. And panic will not help with breathing issues!!

Anyways, I guess I pushed myself too hard today because I ended up napping for 5hours. Hard. Like 8 missed texts and 2 missed calls. And I sleep texted someone. No recollection.

While my oxygen checks out fine, I’m retaining a lot of carbon dioxide. I still think I’m lacking the O2. And my breathing hurts–supraclavicular breathing in a stomach deep breather = extremely shallow/rapid and sore.

But I’m getting slightly better!!

And I am not in the hospital!!

Cause if I was I’d probably end up in the eating disorder unit. Thanks but no thanks. I’m using avoidance to not have a major breakdown right now as it is!

Still breathing.

Focus on the breathing.

Cheese Factor: Nacho

Okay this is super cheesy, but I am really ecstatic to say I have 100 followers!!

Thank you to all of you who find what I write and post interesting enough to subscribe!

And a bigger thanks to those of you who interact with comments, likes, and reblogs!! ❤

You have no idea how much all of this means to me!!

Literally, it has been a huge goal of mine for the past 2 years! Thanks for making this happen!

I set out to blog to share my voice on eating disorders so people could hear the struggle.

I still aim to do that and I hope that it has proven educational, helpful, and a close human element. That human face to the silent and lonely struggle that kills.

I am an open book.

I do not EVER promote proana or promia material.

I do apologize if my struggles have ever been triggering to anyone. But this is me: Cassie.

This is Cassie and Ed’s voice.

As I continue to blog, I hope to add a few things to my experiences with anorexia.

I will stick with my weekly list challenge and try to keep up with my daily photo challenge. I still encourage others to join!! I would like to incorporate in some research that is healthcare based as well as topics as suggested by you, my readers.

Anything y’all want to hear? Please comment! Or shoot me an email or kik.

I still want to promote community and am here as myself; flaws and all.

Contact me:

•Email: soundofedsvoice@gmail.com

•Kik: CassiexEdsxVoice

To another 100 followers, whenever it might happen! I am grateful for all of you! love you ❤

in it together

Cässïë

It’s That Time

  
Been home sick all day. Finished season 2 and started season 3. 

A few perks to twisted stomach and burning face.

In Sickness

I have quite a bit to say.

I had my interview. I wanted to discuss how that went. How they told me they want to hire me but next week they will call officially. How I was ecstatic because I felt like for the first time in years people saw me for me and appreciated me for me.

Discuss how PC came to take me out to dinner to celebrate the accomplishment of getting an interview–and brought flowers!! A total keeper!!

That as PC and I were leaving we ran into my mom where she told me a story that is so fucked up I am still so agitated by it. This story is about my current institution seriously using and abusing me to the point of fradulently taking credit for me. It is quite a story.

To discuss how my mom told me that while this job might really want me, the institution they fall under might not allow them to hire me because I am a new grad RN who falls out of the one year mark and thus does not meet their criteria–no matter how amazing I am. Or how bad this department wants me. So I cannot get my hopes up too high because even though they want me politics could once again come and fuck me. Nothing is real until the contract is signed.

But I am sick.

AGAIN

I am convinced I had a sinus infection previously  that caused the “positional vertigo” a few weeks back. And now thanks to the stress of everything, it has all caught up to me.

I caught myself having had nothing but a forced shaked the day of the interview. Sick and tired. And anxious obvi.

Then last night it hit hard. Pounding headache. Congested sinuses. Blocked ears.

I am so damn tired of being sick!!! I want to be healthy so I have energy to blog about the aforementioned things in detail!! To have energy!

Today I drank 5 liters of water and peed probably 6 times.

I cannot be sick before my big Disney trip!!!!!!!!

But in sickness I must keep going. Nothing ever stops.

Because when we have an eating disorder, we are always sick, aren’t we?

Sick to our stomach–or so we tell people so we will not eat.

Sick to our stomach because we are refeeding.

Sick from malnutrition.

Sick from the voices in our heads telling us we are not good enough and never will be.

Sick of how we are treated but never allowed to have an opinion.

Just plain sick.

But we always carry on. Because we are always in sickness.

Always in sickness but never in health.