Here I Am!

I keep seeing the icon. And I keep thinking to myself, do I even have anything worthy to post related to my anorexia struggle?

Well. Today I do.

I really thought that maybe I was finally at an ok place. I had accepted that I am a lifer with anorexia. My struggle will be constant and never ending. I haven’t been in therapy since it ended several years ago. I have my tool bag of tricks for the hard moments. My relapses were farther apart and if they happened I could catch it soon enough.

So what has happened? How did I get here?

Well. First. I got married. It was not the way I wanted. I FINALLY left the toxic job. It was with a lot of tears and stress induced vomiting and health complications. And with my parents, friends, and fiancé (at that time) begging me to quit. Yea, that bad. I was being bullied and harassed. But I was scared to leave because I was used to those kind of toxic relationships.

Nonetheless, I finally did it. And no joke, within 3 days all my health issues resolved. It showed me how bad that place was for me. I had a secret wedding with just parents because, well, clearly I need health insurance. And PC was so fantastic through the whole thing supporting me.

Then I finally got a job in what I had been trained in. Things were up and up!!

Until they weren’t.

Oh wait, what else is new?

Well that job? I thought I found my fit. Until I realized why my position was open. I was the only licensed personnel and one of my underlings was practicing on my level, illegally. She was threatened by me. Why? Because I wouldn’t let her do illegal shit. I’m clearly a bitch. And she started withholding important information and lying.

So I was out. Again. I finally put to use all those therapy sessions about me having self worth and boundaries.

On to the next job. Where I excelled. And yet another lazy person, in my role on my level, he couldn’t stand it. He comes from a cultural where men dominate women. Women never challenge men. He was uneducated and dangerous to lives. And I refused to play his death game. At one point he was even accused of child abuse. As a licensed professional. No thankssss.

Thankfully I switched to this amazing team. We became a family. I learned. I grew. I thrived.

So obviously it couldn’t last.

As a public service, they lost funding (hint the male coworker was a huge part of it). And my hours were cut. Drastically. I couldn’t survive. Sooo on to the next one.

The new job. It is (was?) an oasis. The staff are cordial and get along. So supportive. Educated (streets and books). Have pride in their jobs. Willing to change for the better. A real dream come true.

And oh what’s that?

COVID19 happened. I was furloughed after a month. Still furloughed.

But earlier this year I also did something that scared me and I’m so proud of. I ran a Disney World 5k.

It was scary as hell.

I trained out here. With a few set backs in training (pretty sure I had COVID in January), I had to battle my obsession.

I was obsessed with having to finish the 5k in 30-45minutes. Like unhealthily so.

And we get to Florida race day and it’s terrential down pour and 40 degrees. SO far out of my comfort zone. I never trained in rain. So I didn’t even run as much as I wanted considering the course was coated in puddles. They had to extend the course due to rerouting for our safety. Needless to say, I ran it and finished it. I ended up running 3.4miles.

And by myself. A total fear. But ✔️ completed.

And during that time I relapsed. Because I was running 2-3 times a week and not losing weight at all. Like seriously?!

Well, more things happened and flash forward to now. The anxiety of not working. The anxiety and agoraphobia. The relapses because of cut off food access.

Yes thank you hoarders. You literally starved me. Be proud of yourselves.

So here I am. Not able to do much exercise except for stretching and indoor free weights. Locked inside due to immunocompromisation from anorexia and asthma. Freaking out often with limited food (and struggling to eat what I need so that I don’t gain weight).

I was hanging in there.

The husband and I talked about planning for pregnancy. Because I have to start at least 6months to a year beforehand. With anorexia, I have to go back into intensive therapy and more frequent doctor appointments before, during, and after pregnancy. Still don’t know how I am choosing to get fat intentionally.

Well I go to my physical for the year. Happy chatters (LOVE my doctor).

“Do you want to do labs? You don’t really need to but insurance covers it.”

Sure why not? I’m concerned about my electrolytes anyways.

Well shit glad I did!

My labs were HORRIBLE!! I know I’m fat (legit like over 250lbs). And I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t lose weight.

Failed my cholesterol panel. Have anemia. And fail my thyroid tests.

What. The. Actual.

For years we kept thinking I had hypothyroidism but tests were fine and chalked it up to the anorexia. Reminder: mine is I stop eating my body stores it all as fat and I gain weight.

I officially have hypothyroidism. Like off the charts so. But it’s bizarre because I don’t have the other symptoms. Just the horrid cholesterol panel, thyroid levels, and the fat.

So naturally I cry. Because just a break, please?!?!

But then a lot more makes sense. Taking the medications will resolve my cholesterol, decrease stress on pancreas, and I will lose weight.

Now there’s my big focus. I will actually lose weight. It turns out I’ve been doing it all right but my body fought me.

Oh and then there’s the because I’m young it could be a tumor on my thyroid or now I’m infertile whole thing.

YAY.

Maybe my original thoughts were right from years ago: I don’t see a life after age 35. Never thought I’d live that long.

I Just Want To

Be young again.

Where it’s OK to drink by yourself and get to that happy place.

Or maybe it’s be at that point in the eating disorder where you’re forgiven for using alcohol to cope: to lower inhibitions to eat but also to feel again. Because anorexia makes you numb.

Finish everything I’ve started because then I havent judged myself out of it.

Be allowed to be sexually carefree again. Because single and anorexic is an excuse to go buck wild.

Be able to drunk text people and have people who appreciated it. Because people don’t appreciate shit anymore anyways.

Not be self conscious.

To not hate myself and my body and how fat I am.

Have people realize I used to be fucking hot and have a rocking bod….even if I thought I was fat then.

Get what I want because my body.

Live in this free and happy state that being tipsy//drunk has. That feeling.

Not be me.

I’ve Lost Everything…So I Thought

Last night, or I should say very early this morning, I woke up to some chick screaming and cussing outside my window. Then the fire alarm in the apartment complex across from mine went off.

PC woke up and questioned the sound.

“OH probably some bitter university girl because I heard her scream profanity especially before it went off. She probably pulled it because she’s a brat.” -me

Yes. My complex is filled with entitled Millennials. They’ve done stupid shit before. This nice expensive area has recently gone down hill thanks to these entitled children. Their parents pay for them to have a 4 bedroom apartment to themselves. Must be nice! I’ve never had the option. Ever.

Aren’t able to follow the rules either.

Then the police show up. My curiosity gets me and I want to see the brat getting arrested. I stick my head through the blinds and see him yelling at everyone to get out of the building.

Wait. What? Why?

I look over and there is smoke billowing out of the building.

OH. This is real. That’s a legit fire. Not even 25 yards away. With trees in between our buildings it could leap and we would be next.

And yet with all that smoke, some people refused to evacuate. And others kept harassing the emergency workers.

Insert mind blown wtf faces here. I wanted to go down and backhand them. As a Healthcare provider who has dealt with traumatic situations, I have never EVER understood why people refuse to help when it is needed but love to make emergencies and traumas more difficult.

Please let the emergency crews do their jobs!!!

Get out of the way and stay back. They will come to you! And if they do–do as they ask!

Here of late I have felt that I have lost everything these last few months. And I mean everything. Like all I have is PC. No money. No real job. Nothing.

But in that moment. That moment where you see smoke billowing out and 10 firefighters running in–I realized how much I could lose:

• All my pictures
• All my picture books
• My nice jewelry that I have worked hard on my own to buy
• My nice purses, same thing, which I can replace, but still something to lose
• My clothes
• My brand new items from my bridal shower
• My kitchenaid mixer
• All my documents
• All my books
• All my therapy work
• Everything for my wedding

And I had to think like I’ve done as a kid [I used to live in a high prone fire area growing up], what can you grab and where is it so you can evacuate immediately for your safety. The things that can’t be replaced but are needed.

That’s when I realized I did have things to lose.

Another reminder, I don’t want to die….I’m not ready to die.

Anorexia Isn’t Pretty: Long Term Effects

People make it seem so glamorous. Eating disorders are so marvelous. You lose weight and get attention. That’s how it works right? That’s what the media shows.

I am still that lifer. I still actively fight every. Damn. Day.

But here is what they never tell you.

Anorexia destroys your teeth.

You always here about how bulimia destroys teeth. How the purging and that acid decays the teeth. No one mentions the anorexia.

I’ll tell you. Settle in.

Six years.

That’s how long since I’ve been to the dentist. Because I was so agitated that they kept finding cavities. I stopped.

Well that and because I had full blown lost it and was drowning in a massive anorexia battle in 2013.

If I brush my teeth, that means I ate something. If I ate something, I will gain weight. I am fearful of fat. Therefore, I don’t eat and don’t have to brush my teeth.

And since I’m not eating, I can’t get cavities so I don’t need to go to the dentist. [Ed’s voice: or she will see it and bust you]. Done.

Six years pass. Time flies when you are anorexic.

But guess what? I still have cavities. Why?

Well my enamel is weak. Because of malnutrition. And because of malnutrition, my gums and teeth are not so hot. I’m on a medication for treatment that has a side effect of dry mouth [and it’s baaaad]. This leaves my mouth cracked and susceptible to infection and more decay.

I have horrible reflux from all the time I starve and restrict. That acid goes somewhere folks!!! Yup bulimia may have more acknowledged vomiting destruction but GERD and reflux has it too.

And the anxiety and stress from anorexia [as well as my toxic job] causes even more reflux and periods of vomiting sooo there’s that.

Add in my lack of brushing thanks to the lovely Ed’s voice and here are my consequences.

I was brutally honest with my dentist because I have been seeing her since I was a kid. I told her how I was in care for anorexia for the past 6 years and my string of toxic jobs.

She was amazing and supportive. She was just as surprised as I was that my mouth and teeth didn’t sustain more damage. Only 6 cavities?! I mean that’s actually great!

She’s creating a treatment plan for me. I’m coming back every other week for some more hygiene and the fillings. I hate it but maybe I can get back into good health again.

No one talks about eating disorders and oral care. Or anxiety!

I had severe anxiety while there but thanks to alllllll my therapy I was able to get there, stay there, and go through the 1.5 hour cleaning. Yesssss that long.

I hate not being perfect. I hate not being in control.

I hate even more that my teeth now hurt and I am on a liquid diet because the pain is bad. I hear Ed’s voice creeping in telling me to not eat. I remember the days where I didn’t eat for 2 days after the dentist because I loved that clean feeling.

Battling this is so tiring. Fighting my own thoughts. People don’t get it. They don’t get the stress. How easy it is to slip back into not eating again. Into counting calories and restriction. Any excuse to segway back in.

It’s scary. It’s frightening.

For now I stick with my sea salt rinses and liquid diet praying I can overcome this. Not slip. I’m already slipping. It’s been a long long few months.

And to think, anorexia is supposedly without any issues and is soooo wonderful! At least, that’s what the movies say.

Too Much for One Title

I have kept myself alive.

This has been huge considering the events of the past few weeks.

I have not sabotaged. I have not succumbed to Ed’s voice let alone what I feel like the universe keeps trying to tell me.

I am struggling with the whole eating thing but I am doing some of it. There are days when I feel I have no purpose in life but I find purpose in the day.

I always thought I was at the lowest point in a career. I thought that it could not get worse because I never thought people could behave any worse than what I experienced.

My previous job was horrid. When I left it I thought, phew it could never be this bad anywhere else.

Universe was like: challenge accepted!

So the past few years, this lady, one who has never let anyone/anyplace/anything change who she is; changed by a department.

It literally ate at my soul.

Yes. They do exist.

Outside of this blog world, I am a very happy and positive person. I never want people to experience anything I ever had nor do I think that people deserve my “wrath” unless they truly do something morally injust or ethically wrong to get it. This place is the inside of my head.

My workplace? They thrived on trying to bring me down. For several years, I was bullied and harassed on a daily basis. Sometimes by staff who came and went, but always by these 2 people old enough to be my mothers. I always tried to understand what could drive someone to be so cruel; to do what they do. A psychopathic person has more rationale than these two. At least it’s in their head.

They thrived on making my life miserable from stealing my things to actually deleting my work [in Healthcare that’s baaaaad] and falsifying claims saying I did not do it. Mainly because I made them look bad.

I ignored it. But it got to a head.

We got a new manager. Because yes our entire department in the few years I’ve been there has gone through several FULL staff turnovers and 6 managers. Say something?

I stupidly stuck through it. I tried to leave multiple times but the patients begged me to stay. And there was something more complicated but my concern had me stay a bit longer at one point.

Well this new manager decided they hated me for who knows what. They made no effort to actually know me. Considering I kept their department afloat, started two committees, and was head of several massive board projects you think I’d be one to know.

They publicly threatened several times over my job.

For several months I cried every day.

Why was I not good enough? I work my ass off. I sacrifice myself. I follow all the rules. I am opening a new sub department for them.

I. Am. A. Good. Person.

But that doesn’t mean good things will happen to you. That is not reality.

This manager threatened to terminate me on falsified information by one of the older ladies who bullied me. While this manager was part of the constant bullying and harassing, they kept making me look like a fool even to our patients whom in return despised this new manager.

I quit.

It was the hardest decision, by far, I have ever made in my life.

I walked away.

I left patients in harms way. But I, too, was being threatened and harmed.

In trauma, we are taught to do what’s best for the greater good. If I can’t even take care of myself…how am I to take care of the greater good?!

My constant self sacrifice was taken advantage of and abused to the max.

No more.

My family and friends begged me to quit. One cried on the phone with me to quit. And so I did.

A week later, and more trauma from the event later, I realized why it’s been so hard.

I have been in abusive relationships: dating, family, friends. I have also grown up in a world of invalidation. This job was just that. It was an extremely abusive relationship. Until I was out, I could not see it. I tried to leave but it did not work. The cold cut quit is what did it.

Given my history of PTSD, this has been a rough few weeks. A TON of nightmares and terrors. I am barely sleeping.

The trauma exposure only recently ended 3 days ago…. And frankly it’s probably not over yet. I couldn’t even get a clean fucking cut.

But I am still alive. I am keeping myself alive. Fuck am I a survivor.

It would be nice to have some control over my life at some point in time, for once. I’m tired of having to be hopeless and let whatever happen to me happen.

For now, baby steps.

Don’t Sabotage Yourself

You know that moment when you’re blindsided and everything falls apart?

Literally everything. You think you have a shaky grasp on certain aspects of your life. The things you should be able to control.

Poof it’s gone.

How did it happen? How did you get here?

No. Really. It’s about what will you do.

Now.

Sabotage.

Sabotage.

Sabotage. My natural instinct. Well fuck everything else has shattered. It’s only time till those last shards fall. Why not just sweep them away on my terms.

I should be able to control something.

Sabotage and its seductive voice. Calling to me.

They say good things come to those who wait. The tortoise beats the hare. The good always prosper. Good trumps evil. Every other cliche.

Well what the fyzk. I’m here waiting.

Because having anorexia wasn’t horrible enough. And anxiety. Several kinds. OCD behaviors. Oh PTSD. Invalidating environments throughout life [including now]. Chronic pain.

Suffering from those alone is enough to make some people kill themselves.

So why, why does life or G-d or insert deity of choice keep throwing shit my way?

The one thing I have left is PC and our wedding. The wedding [date] I had planned was just taken away from me today by today’s events.

Because working in my hostile environment with a bullying and harassing boss wasn’t enough I’m being forced to quit. I need insurance so marriage is not going to be when I wanted it. Loss. This equals me questioning my life and existence.

How could someone be allowed to exist like that? And why targeting me?

Clearly I’m not worthy. Of life or existence. Because I keep getting up and the shot trying to knock me down keeps getting worse.

I can’t have control over even one aspect of my life like my own. fucking. Wedding.

Let’s sabotage what’s left: PC.

Don’t. Sabotage.

They have won with everything else. They got your wedding. Job. Money. Soul. Health.

But they can’t have PC and your love.

For One Night…

… Let’s pretend to be normal.

Anything but what we are.

Let’s Call It A Comeback

While I’ve been crafting my multiple tales behind the scenes to release unto you [ooo so fancy sounding] life clearly keeps happening. Anorexia and anxiety don’t just disappear. Those who are cured I am disgustingly envious of.

Again, I am a lifer.

I may have learned to cope with it and how to “interact” with anorexia and anxiety, but I will never be cured. Alas, my only cure is death. And while I have begged for it at times and needed it as well, I could never do it.

I digress.

I have been struggling a lot lately with stress and eating. I’m doing decently in the sense I’m eating at least one meal a day. This is major for me. It’s not like I’m actively trying to avoid it; I have no hunger instinct so I can go a whole day without even noticing I have not consumed anything. It’s bad.

My job is unnecessarily stressful. A post to come. But I also have a new stress trigger that is really driving Ed’s voice into overdrive. It will come out in another post, but let’s just say there is an extreme amount of pressure on how I will look and eyes will be on me.

OH heyyy Ed! Edie, you’re here, too?! Omg it’s a party!!

Let’s throw in all that PTSD training trying to counteract all that. Mmmm joy.

A few months ago I was cleared to return to the gym. After 2 years of physical injury. And 1.5 years before that of restriction for therapy.

Just a reminder, I have hypergymnasia: I have spent excessive amounts of time at the gym in an attempt to lose weight. It was my purge. And when I go to the gym, I lose myself and all sense of time. It’s a total mindfuck to be honest.

The last time I was in a gym, ugh I was so unhealthy!!! I had just broken my ankle and shoulder. And I was at the gym running on the treadmill while in pain. That was 2 years ago OH SHIT TO THIS WEEK!!!

Well, I made plans with one of my besties to return to the gym. Part of my recovery contingencies [for life] is I’m not allowed to workout alone. We were supposed to go last week and again Monday.

I got so anxious I panicked and canceled.

Between the stress of work and this pressure to be thin, I did the healthy thing and did not go.

I know if I went, I would be starting under the wrong intentions and it would be downhill from there. My bestie knows everything that’s going on and has been so supportive.

So today we went. And I was so anxious. And scared.

I was worried I was too fat in the gym outfit I had. I was honestly fearful of the judgment by people at the gym. I was scared I would lose control. I was afraid I would spiral; that Ed would slide into control.

What I was most fearful of? My injuries being so bad that they would incapacitate me from doing the exercises I know and love. And I would have lost my identity.

Good news: the broken shoulder has healed enough through physical therapy that I was able to do the exercises I have done in the past!! I actually cried at the gym. The ankle has as well.

Bad news: I can’t turn off the hypergymnasia. My beastie turned to me and was like we have been here an hour time to go. I honestly thought it had been 10 minutes.

Absolutely no concept of time. It’s scary. I could end up hurting myself again. Breaking something. Or, as Eddie points out, getting fatter because I am working out too much without enough caloric intake.

I gain weight when I stop eating. I am am atypical anorexic due to years of anorexia and no formal treatment till my late twenties.

I feel disgusted by myself for feeling pleasure in the muscle burn and stamina I have. It’s not because I’m healthier than I thought but for the idea I can keep pushing myself harder.

But dammit, this is a massive comeback!! Literally years in the making.

Cassie is back at the gym. My happy place. Under supervision of a bestie. Without therapy support. Trying to do this the right way.

Here’s a big challenge!!

Where to Start?!

This is my return.

I’m overwhelmed with what to say. Like where to start.

There has been so many changes in my life over the past 7 months. I wanted to write as they happened. It helps me process and feel. Experience the moment as they say in DBT.

Thanks to fear and trying to protect my anonymity, I had to give time in-between some significant events so that I cannot be identified.

I have followed of you and am so proud of you. Your accomplishments and strides you are making. These struggles are so. Real.

I guess the first biggest struggle, which will be my first focus, is I completed, and graduated from the Trauma Therapy.

As in I had no choice they basically told me, in one month we are cutting you free because that’s the end goal. After 4 years of intensive therapy. To nothing.

Oooo plot twist?!

A Pocket Full of Fails

Well it’s just how it feels.

And will keep feeling as long as I’m in my invalidating and toxic work environment.

Funny how I flit from one toxicity to the next.

I tried to leave for the better to only end up worse. Ya, it was possible. At least here I’m not throwing up and crying before shifts. Maybe because I’m so numb?

Well, needless to say, by chance of miracles or what, I landed an interview recently.

I feel like it was due in part to a favor to my mother but I’m grateful nonetheless! For it was an interview in a position I’m trained for.

I nailed the phone interview. Felt rock solid. And I usually rock interviews. Never have had an issue.

I always get the offer in the end….it’s just the whole wait for a contract that was promised and it never come.

Well, the timing of this couldn’t be better. Everything is spiraling at work and no amount of DBT skills can salvage.

Yet when I had the interview, face to face, I just feel like I failed. Like I was throwing fails around by fistfuls out of my pockets.

My answers were not as solid as I usually have them. I couldn’t focus it.

I couldn’t sell myself.

Especially when:

“Your resume is very impressive, seriously, but I see here you were licensed in xx so how come you have not held a job [using said license]”

OK too complex to get into it on here without giving away a lot of identifiers… But just know this… No it is not me. Basically society fucking sucks and so does the economy. My resume would make you vomit because it’s so impressive.

But I sacrificed everything and couldn’t get the job because I wclearly as the wrong place wrong time. And in some cases, had some employers tell me I was too fat [while they had 100lbs on me] yes it’s illegal but California gets away with a looooot of shit mang.

I also had to keep working to pay, you know, bills? I have never had anyone to take care of me like that. But California apparently expected that.  It’s ridiculous. It’s ludicrous.

Thus my job intimidated others because they thought I’d be bored….

Why doesn’t anyone ask me?!

Wellllll here I sit. I had to delicately and politely answer the question. With couth. Head held high as I was yet again reminded of allll the times I was never good enough.

I walked out just knowing that when I needed something the most, again, I failed. I can’t have it.

And all because someone does not believe in me.

Again.

Stay tuned I have not been officially rejected it’s just how I’m feeling. Don’t want to get my hopes up because I would be beyond devastated to lose it again.